Southampton- Chapter 37

Dear You,

I just realised I no longer feel safe writing here.

Love,

Evey

Southampton - Chapter 36

Dear You,

I know I haven't written anything here in a while but that's because I've been really happy so it basically defeated the purpose of this blog. Which is for me to talk about the things that scare me, anger me or make me unhappy.

I haven't had a seizure in over a month now. Jack is the only one who knows. Which brings me to another major issue. I've started applying for jobs. I applied for a job here in Southampton, one in Bournemouth and one in Exeter. I'm not sure what I want to do. Moving is a pain but I have to remind myself that soon people will be leaving. Plus I miss Jack. Despite Skyping and texting I miss having him around. I'm better when he's close. He makes me happier. I don't know how else to describe this. 

I'm gonna dye my hair tomorrow so wish me luck. The box says the colour is cooper auburn but I'm not sure how it's gonna look on my dumb hair.

I wish I could say I'm sorry about your break up with that bitch but I'm not. I'm gonna stand by you, I ll be your friend and in time you ll see it was for the best.

All my love, 

Evey

Greece (Athens) - Chapter 2

Dear You,

Bad things happened. Jack read some of the things I write here. He says he doesn't remember what he read but I don't believe him. I'm picking him up tomorrow. I did what I always do, I chose to retreat rather than let him face the full extent of my anger, which is never a good option. However, a combination of hayfever, insomnia and anxiety convinced him that I hated him and never wanted to see him or speak to him ever again. I had to Skype with him to clear the situation out and make him see what an idiot he was. This whole charade made me forget I was angry at him in the first place. I hate that because I shouldn't be this forgiving with something this serious but on the other hand I've missed him so much!

It's not the things I write here that bug me. It's how I come off through the lines. I might be wrong about this but I see myself as weak, sad, confused to borderline retarded and seriously nasty at times. I don't want people to see me like this, I want to be strong.

 It was 35 degrees today. Tomorrow will supposedly be the hottest day in June. Can't wait. We went to the gynaecologist today, Lina and I. She was nervous, she kept eating candy till they called us in. Everything looked fine. I'll get my results next week. He perscribed some progesteron so that I can delay my period.

Jack's coming tomorrow around 8. I'll go pick him up from the airport.

xx
Evey

Greece (Agrinio) - Chapter 1

Dear You,

I can say with absolute certainty that I am glad you weren't the asshole I expected you to be. You hugged me and told me how much you missed me, how much you love me, how much you wish we skyped more often so that you could talk to me because I'm the only one who understands. And then we got drunk which was really nice. I said some of the things I've been writing here. The truth is I miss you too and I wish I could take you with me, to England because right now I'm sort on the allies department.

Gramma died. Lina took it very badly. It's just that it happened at a time when she had boy and uni trouble and it was quite a blow. I'm not sure exactly how i should feel about it. I'm not sure I'm feeling anything. I don't know if thats just me feeling numb or if that nothingness is returning and soon everything will go away. But like I said Lina's not doing too good and I have to be strong for her. I'm in a hurry now I have to meet Kat and go at Mikel's and get some mindblowing coffee but I ll write again soon.

Kisses,
Evey

Southampton - Chapter 35

Dear You,

I guess this is my last chapter before Greece. I just wanted to say that to some extent I've come to understand how you felt before you told me the truth all those years ago. It shouldn't have been easy. But then again you were drunk. I'm sorry if I was cruel to you. I can't really remember what I said to you. Not that it matters anymore. It's just that I'll see you in a few days and that has sort of sparked weird memories. I sort of started packing today. I made a list so that I won't forget stuff.

We went out yesterday. I'd gotten tickets for Abbie, Isa and Jack for Constellations at the Nuffield theatre. I was working at the same night so i thought it'd be fun. I was doing the shop which is always cool and more interesting than just checking tickets. The performance was really good. Afterwards we went at the Alex for drinks and Stephen joined us so it was really cool. It was a shame Abbie had to leave early to catch a train for Bournemouth. Next time I hope she stays more I like her a lot and we haven't had the chance to hang out a lot because of where she lives. Anyway, in the end we said good-bye and parted. I'll see everyone after we come back from Greece. I walked with Jack near uni and then we had to go to oposite directions. I'm going to see him in ten days. And that was the moment when I panicked.

Do you remembered when I told you about my fab plan to sever all connections with him? Yeah, I don't think that's gonna work. Seriously, the thought that I'd never ever talk to him again scared the shit out of me. I'm telling you I just can't do that. He's become too important and I've got so few friends right now, I can't bear the thought of never seeing him again! So much for being fucking sensible. Fuck's sake! And I'm leaving tomorrow and I'm gonna have to deal with a pile of shit I've left behind. This is the moment I prove that I'm truly brave. Running is easy; i never understood why people admired me for going away with such ease. It's sticking around and facing your problems that shows what kind of person one is. No back-up, no crutches, just me. Boy, this is gonna be fun! I'll have to be mean and nasty again, I'll have to be who I was three years ago. So, I guess I'll see you, the real you, the proper you, on Monday. Please don't be a jerk. Right now, I need a friend not a punching bag.

Cya,
Evey

Southampton - Chapter 34

Dear You,

I had a baby seizure today (i.e. partial) so from the get go it was pretty clear that the whole day was fucked. Still, I thought what the hell, it could have been worse, i didn't have a headache or synesthesia so I got up, got dressed and went for coffee at the nice place we usually go at Above Bar street. They had no cake. I wanted to slap the waitress. I ordered a lame blueberry muffin and sat with Sharon and Jack to have my coffee. This is probably our last time having coffee together and they were talking about sharks. I was not in a very talkative mood so I just finished that pathetic muffin and watched them until we left. Sharon's going back to Spain tomorrow. We said goodbye and I walked back home. Jim fixed my bed so by the time I climbed into the attic it was all set up.

I don't know what happened. I wanted to cry but I couldn't, It was like there was this wall behind my eyes and it blocked the water. I gave up and used my vibrator instead. Jack asked if I'm ok before we part and I said yes, of course. He's got other things in his mind and I didn't feel like talking. I prefer listening to him, there's something in his voice that always makes me feel better. I thought he looked quite handsome today but I didn't tell him. I don't know why.

I'm really tired. I think I'll sleep early tonight. It's the nightmares. I get them on a daily basis now, it's official. It's Greece and the fact that I'll see my parents again. I don't know why I started this whole idea that I might tell them what happened to me. There's absolutely no fucking reason to burst their bubble. I've told you before, it would kill them to know how unhappy I've been.

A year and a half ago I hated everyone and everything, I wished the entire human species was dead, I wished my sister was dead because they all had something I didn't. I wished people would leave me the fuck alone and stopped asking me stupid questions about stupid things that didn't matter at all because nothing matters if you can't tie a feeling to it. Now, I wish no one ever left this place, that they all stayed here with me. It's only natural to feel like that I guess. I met these people at a time when I was alone and now I have to say good-bye to them. And that's exactly how I feel: I want to cry but I can't. Instead I try to distract myself with a million stupid things so that I don't have to face the fact that come September I'm going to be alone. Perhaps my parents are right. Perhaps I should come back. But then I think that I'm better than this, that Athens has been very unkind to me and that I hate that place. So I'll go back but it will be just a holiday. Like it or not, this is my reality now. I'm going to miss them so fucking much but I guess this is the natural order: we all have to move on at some point.

xx
Evey

Southampton - Chapter 33

Dear You,

I'll try to keep this short and sweet (relatively). We're done with the submissions, everything's cool, we just have to worry about the stupid dissertation thingy and our year's collection. I got the fun job of bossing the printers around which sounds totally awesome cause I love telling people what to do. Okay, I'm done with the serious stuff (yeah that was meant to be serious) and I can move on to whining about not knowing what I want. Did I tell you my parents want me to go work in Dublin because the Irish make good beer? WTF? Anyway, I'm procrastinating with no reason. Here's what's I've been really thinking about: the orange jacket theory. What's that you say? Well, prepare to be amazed with my infinite wisdom!

A while back, Thana and I came up with a theory that explained why my relationships never lasted. We named it the Orange Jacket Theory and yes there's a story behind it. This is told from my mum's perspective because I was five when it happened. We went into a store to shop for someone that wasn't me. Somehow I found the ugliest neon-orange jacket in the store (because I had no sense of fashion back then) and asked mum to buy it for me. She said no. I put the jacket on, laid on the floor and refused to leave until she bought the damn thing. Mum gave in. The next day she took it out and asked me to wear it so that she could take me to the kindergarden. I looked at it and said i didn't like it. Here's where the relationship factor comes in: everything is a quest. Once I get something/ someone somehow it/he is no longer shiny, not as before anyway.

What's the point in all this? It's just this one question: say I found out what I want from him (because my brain is seriously jumbled up and I have no idea) and he gave it to me, would I get bored in a month? I know this is a really mean thing to say but I have to say it. What makes him different, what separates him from all the others, why is he special? Answer: He's a friend and I've never done this with a friend. It may prove to be a massive mistake but at least i ll know for any future reference.

This fucking sucks, I'd never had this sort of issues before my emotions go away! Fucking depression! I thought I was gonna keep this short but fuck it! Here's a sensible, relatively intelligent plan that i will stick to if I'm smart enough and aware of my well-being: Once he's gone, cut all ties. That includes: facebook, messenger, twitter, texting, skype, whatsup, viber, tumblr and whatever social media bullshit man has come up with. If I am unable to separate romantic from friendly feelings because they have merged into this non-descript, disgusting creature (that slightly resembles Bagul - scary as fuck when you just catch a glimpse of it but ridiculous when you take a proper look) then I can's have either. Fuck that and move on. It will probably feel like shit initially. I give the feeling-shit-period a month. And then everything will be ok.  I need to start thinking on finding a fucking job. Not in Dublin, no. I like the South. I think I'll stick to places near the sea. Blue or gray I kinda need it.

Kisses,
Evey  

Southampton - Chapter 32

Dear You,

I decided to focus on the positive aspect of what I'm feeling. It is quite obvious that my recovery has come full circle and I can now say that for the time being I am fine. I booked my tickets for Greece and I'm going back on the 8th of June. I'm just trying not to think of anything beyong the 20th of June and then I can have as much fun as I want to, it's just the end of the second semester. I'm not sure I'll do as well as I did on the first but I can certainly try. I need a good grade, I need to stay here, I can't go back! I have to do everything in my power to find something here, I don't care how important it is, I just need a job to keep me in this place. I just can't bare the thought of going back, it turns my stomach.

I know the best thing to do is just forget about it, ignore the fact that I have feelings for him and follow the family instructions: don't talk about your emotions with other people. Keep them to yourself, protect yourself, this is the only way to always be on the winning side. Lina never cared much for that rule, she always leaves herself exposed and every couple of months I have to console her for the loss of yet another boyfriend. I wish there was someone who could tell me, this is what you ought to do, this is how you will get what you want but there is no one and I don't know what I want in the first place.

Here's the deal: I made a promise to you once that I'd never lie to my friends and originally he was my friend before he becomes something more. Now, technically I'm not lying to him (except for the times when he asks Is there something wrong and I say No). I am 90% certain I will never see him again after September (except in the graduation of course) and I can't help but wonder how will that feel. I know it will probably hurt in the beginning but beginnings are always hard. I can only hope that after the first month it will go away. It did last time so why not now. So, if my assumption is correct then it makes no difference whether I tell him or not. In fact I have theorised that it will be a cathartic experience, unburdening myself and moving on. So, maybe I should tell him. Maybe I should wait till the last time I see him and tell him then, sorta like a letting go ritual. That sounds about right. We went out yesterday and talked about whales, suicide and how writers are such cynics when it comes to love. I always found emotions difficult and complicated but if fear and anger exist I know love exists too. And if hate can last forever, then I don't see why love can't either. All that's just theoretical of course, I've never met people who managed to stay as much in love with each other as when they started. My parents have been together for twenty five years. They always fought, it's their way of communicating. I've never actually talked to them about it but I guess to some extent they must still love each other, otherwise why stay together?

I miss my sister. I can't wait for when she finally comes here. Then we will be just a bus ride or a train away from each other. We can be together every weekend. It's just a year. Besides, I will see her in June. This is gonna be awesome! I told her about the tickets yesterday and she was ecstatic. I ll spend a few days with my parents because when he comes over I won't have much time to see them and I know they'll be a tad upset. They haven't seen me since January, it is a pretty long time. Anyway, I need to get back to my assignments. I realise I don't write as often anymore but this is because I understand my problem can't be fixed by writing letters to a fictionalised version of you. I'm reading Necrophilia Variations. That will definitely keep my spirits up.

xx
Evey

Southampton - Chapter 31

Dear You,

I'm supposed to be writing my Tenessee Williams presentation right now and instead I'm listening to St. Vincent while writing to you because fuck it! Do you realise it's just a month and a half before I step on Greek soil? The thought alone feels so strange. I'm going to see you. I hope you won't be an asshole. I'm doing much better, I actual went to All Saints today at the West Quay and tried something. I'm not going to lie I'm so fucking tired, I want the course to end and for me to get a good grade but on the other hand the end of the course will mean the end of many things. I'm going to lose so much and we all know I don't deal with loss very well. It doesn't happen very often because, well, it's me and when I want something I get it and I keep it. I wish my parents had spoiled me less so that I'd become accustomed to this feeling but there's no point in asking to change the past. I don't know what the rest of us are planning, I don't think they quite know either. Jack told me he's going back to his parents, Isa will fly back to Brazil and Sharon will be off to Spain. I don't know. This is so frustrating but also surprising. Half the times I want to cry, half of them I want to burst into laughter and I have no idea why. I think I'm turning into a schizophrenic.

I tell myself it's gonna be alright. I knew this was happening from the start. What I didn't know though was that I would actually grow to care for these people. It's awful. Great because I feel things but awful because I'm losing. I guess that's what happens, with people, you find them and then you lose them and move on. I'm more resistant to the idea of letting people go because I'm like a child but I can't help it. I told my mom about it and she said it's the same with me and my parents; it's not easy for them either having me in a different country but I'm happy and they're happy for me.

You remember when I told you that distance would do me good? It didn't. The only thing that was actually triumphantly confirmed was that I have feelings for him. Which basically means I'm fucked. Did you hear that? F-U-C-K-E-D!! This is a disaster! This never happens!! I mean what the fuck?? I have no idea how to deal with these feelings, they don't feel like a part of me, it's like I'm watching a version of myself being controled by this alien, agressive life form and I'm tied to a chair, I can't speak, I can't move, there's nothing I can say or do to prevent the inevitable end: pain. So much pain. And for what? I don't know. I don't know. I have to go. I wish I could edit part of myselfs. I wish I was the Evey I used to be. I was a bitch but at least I was happy.

Thank you for listening to the things I'll never speak to them.

Evey

P.S Gramma is getting worse. She understands what's happening around her but she can't speak. She has lost a lot of weight. They're expecting it to happen soon.

P.S. 2 I accidentally cut myself yesterday. I watched the blood run down my leg. It was a darker shade than I remembered. I put a plaster on later.

Southampton - Chapter 30

Dear You,

I feel I must write something important to mark the passing of thirty freaking chapters of me blabbing about my issues but I fear there's not much to tell. It's the Easter break and I'm bored out of my mind. Everyone's pretty much gone and I'm trying to figure out whether this is what my life's gonna be next year. Cause if it is I might as well kill myself now and get it over with. But I'm not going to start thinking about September from now, there's still so much time in between. It's just that I know myself pretty well. I never had to be alone before. But like I said, lots of time. Plus, I still don't know where I'm gonna end up. Next year I might be in France for all I know.

I even went to the pool a few times. I was there today. My hands still smell of chlorine. I think I'll keep going, I need the exercise. Besides, it's not like I've got much else to do. Zoe is lost in her own drama, Isa is busy with work and the rest of them have vanished to family houses and foreign countries. Oh, yeah I've got my writing but that's going swell so I'm not worried. I tried to write today but I mostly did corrections. I also wrote a list of the stupidest things I've ever done and why I did them. Don't ask why, I do stupid shit when I'm bored. Anyway Thana is coming soon i'll be fine. I do miss them though. I don't know when they'll be back but I guess not everyone is like me, they actually feel comfortable around their families.

I'm too bored to write anything else.

Evey

Southampton - Chapter 29

Dear You,

I know it's been a while since I wrote to you but since you're not actually reading this I highly doubt you're upset. The past two weeks have been pretty horrible so bear with me because my life is such a mess and I'm such a mess I feel like a character in a Margaret Atwood novel.

I was late. Two weeks. Two fucking weeks! Do you know when that happened last? Of course you don't because I never told you. Two years ago. Just before my emotions disappeared. I freaked out. Seriously, I completely freaked out and there was no reason now that I look at it logically. There are some technicalities that make it extremelly hard to practically impossible for me to get pregnant but still there I was panicking. I guess it brought everything back so I'm willing to forgive myself for what I think was a massive judgment error. Still, what I can't forgive is telling him about it. Why, why do I have to open my bloody mouth and say EVERYTHING that pops in my mind??? He doesn't know what happened last time. I lied and said I didn't know how or why I couldn't feel anything anymore because the truth is way too horrible and I knew he wouldn't look at me the same way if he knew it. This is one of those cases I was telling you about. You lie to the people you love to protect them. I told Sharon the truth about what happened because I needed to tell someone the truth and if that someone wasn't my mom then it was going to be the next best thing. The way she looked at me, like she pitied me made me so angry but I also felt relieved because I understood that this is it, this is the way everyone is going to look at me and I knew I had to keep that story to myself.

It's funny how when you tell a story you try to make it as vivid as possible for your friends to understand and picture everything exactly like you did. This story was over in 5 sentences and though it was plain facts, no emotions, no descriptions, it still sounded disgusting and filthy in my head. Isabel said that it was the society, that nothing made sense anymore because I felt I had commited some crime but I'm not so sure. One day it was there, the next it wasn't and that wasn't a conscious choice. I didn't have an abortion. It was just gone and I didn't know that it was there in the first place. I come off as such an idiot in this story I'm trying to forget it myself. I hate that I have to lie about certain parts of my life but it's necessary.

There are times I wish I could buy someone else's life. I know that's horrible but that's the purpose of this blog, write all my horrible thoughts and not give a shit. So, yeah. I mean I'm buying all sorts of pointless shit, why not invest in something that can actually make me feel better? I've made great strives since September but I'm not nearly as stable as I'd like to and I fear change so fucking much. I look at the end of the course and it scares the shit out of me! I have no idea what I'm gonna do afterwards.

Anyway, it's Jack's party tonight so I want to have some fun and celebrate and try not to think about some other shit I have on my plate now. I tell myself gramma will be fine and I know it's a selfish wish because mama is in pain seeing her like this and I can only think about the last thing I said to her and I hate myself so fucking much! It's fine. Jack keeps asking if I'm ok and I wish he stopped because he looks at me and makes me feel like I'm broken and I hate it. But it's his party tonight so I'll close my eyes and think of Lefkada and the sea and how it felt the first time I stood on the beach and I listened to the waves and marked the place the water reached on the sand with my fingers. I dream of summer. I'll see you in June but it will be different.

Evey

Southampton - Chapter 28

Dear You,

It's official. The pain is real. This feels so weird. I'm happy because I feel something new but on the other hand there are those rare moments when I wish my emotions disappeared again. I talked about it with Lina. She'd lived through everything so she knows both sides of the coin. She was so mad! She said I barely looked human back then, that this is the way people are supposed to be, this is life. The good things you feel are worth a few of the bad stuff. The side effects. I think it was equally awful for her to watch as it was for me to experience. And yet she kept her mouth shut. I have to admit I was kind of impressed.

I broke my promise. I haven't told her yet and I'm not going to, not unless some fit of honesty hits me anytime soon, which I seriously doubt. I also realised something: those two years I pretended I was okay turned me into an expert liar. Fearing that my parents would actually realise the difference between now and then is one of the stupidest things I have ever heard myself saying. So, that's what I'm going to do. I'm gonna pretend everything is fine, I'm fine, I'm not freaking out, I'm not in pain, I'm perfectly calm. I blame Lina. I blame myself for listening to Lina's psychobubble about life experiences. What the fuck does she know? Why the fuck did I think that she knows better than I do? But I can't let myself fall into familiar patterns again, it's childish and stupid and I've made such progress here. So fuck that! I'm saying suck it up and grow a pair! I cut my nails really, really short. Thana is coming soon at least I get to have her for a few days.

I'm not gonna say that everything is going to be alright because I know that's simply not true. I wish I could turn time back, change my b-day wish, ask for something bigger and better. I know it will come true but maybe I should have asked for something more difficult and challenging. Now that I think about it, no, the wish is fine. Let's start small. Like mom said, one step at a time.

I'm meeting Zoe tomorrow, that's always fun. Don't ask me to define fun. I won't.

You've still not answered my text. You've turned into a massive asshole so I guess that's to be expected. Just remember these things go both ways. If you think I won't retaliate you're fucking dreaming! So this is me, admitting that certain elements I introduced in my life suck and it's a good thing we're not on regular speaking terms because I no longer feel I can talk to you about things like that. Tragic as that may be, I officially feel more comfortable talking to this virtual construction that I have created in order to say the things I can't say to my friends here. And yes, I know exactly how sad and pathetic that makes me.

Evey

Southampton - Chapter 27

Dear You,

I travel a lot. That basically means two things: a. I get to meet a lot of people and b. I get to have a limited amount of time with them.

It's been such a shitty day. It started pretty awesome; there was the sun (pretty rare here) and then Thana messaged me saying she'll come visit on April. And then the workshop came and by the time it was over i felt like someone had thrown a bucket of icy water and ice cubes on me. I won't bore you with the details, you won't understand anyway. Suffice to say I came home and all I wanted was to book a plane and go back home. I just needed to see a friendly face, that's all. You understand now why I'm so excited about Thana coming. It'll be just for a few days but still it's better than nothing. Anyway, back to my flight syndrome, I'm really proud of myself! I didn't do it this time! I stayed and fought against! I guess I've always been too impulsive and running is my get-go response. Horrible, sure thing but comforting nonetheless.

I wish I had made a full recovery. Today hurt but I still can't tell whether I was angry, disappointed, frustrated, sad. Jack was talking to me all the way back and all I could hear was white noise. I knew he was saying nice things but I was trying really hard to put a finger on what I felt and the answer kept slipping away and I wanted to scream and start hitting all the trees with my umbrella until it broke in half. I have no idea what I should do now.

Maybe I should make a list of the emotions I know I've felt. Ok, here we go! The first thing I clearly remember was last April, when I was accepted at universities. It was disgust. I run with that for some time. Then around July there was fear. In August fear mutated into panic. September there was anger. And then I came here. Month after month things got better. Fear was and is quite present though. Embarassment also. Here are some of the things I've managed to name and I'm pretty sure I've felt: Excitement, joy, disappointment, jealousy. Pain. The last one is new so I'm not quite sure of it yet, it will take some time. I was just writing this story the other day; it's about Greece and I suddenly realised how different we are from the English. They are polite and we are rude but at least when I speak to Greek people I know that they are saying what they think. I don't have the same luxury here.

I did something bad. I did something really bad and I didn't even realise it. I came home and I was so sad and I just wanted to feel better. I changed and I lay down and without realising it I was scratching my leg, just underneath the knee. I did that for some time but when I looked down there was blood on the sheets. I'm kinda freaking out now because I broke my promise to Lina and I always keep my promises. That's my ONE rule: if you make me promise about something I will stick to it. So what now? You know what the worst, most awful, ugliest, unspeakable thing was? It felt so fucking good!!

Evey

Southampton - Chapter 26

Dear You,

I can't believe I've written twenty-five of these things! I went back and checked what I'd written on the first one. It feels such a long time ago and so many things have happened since November! I was out with Paola today, we met after I finished my shift at the Nuffield. Last time we were with Isa and Sharon they were saying they were going to write a book about everything that happened to me. I have to say that would make an interesting story. A funny one too.

It's pretty easy to track my progress if you know me. The answer is simple: clothes. If I'm taking care of the way I look that means I'm okay. And I've discovered that I can find gorgeous things to wear in a size 10 as well so screw my weight obsession. But that's not what I want to talk about today.

You know me better than anyone. Okay maybe not as well as Lina, but you get what I mean. I used to be horrible to people yet you never said anything. I can see everything now. All that confidence, the idea that I was better than everyone else, that I was the queen of the world, vanished down the black hole I fell into during the two years I spent feeling nothing. Being Greek you can say that was punishment, the tisis, for my hubris. But now I'm okay. And the confidence is back. That charm, the smiles, the way I tease people, it's all a pattern. Am I returning to the person I used to be or is this a completely new version of myself, the me I'm supposed to be?

That was issue number one. Moving on to issue number two.

The chase is over. I got what I wanted. He finally made his move, it was well-received, we've been having sex, so basically I have what I asked for. So, now what? He's my friend. He's a great friend. I can't emphasize that enough. He's a great guy and I really don't want to do anything to mess what we have up. Somehow I feel I really need him. I don't know why but there are certain people here I have tied to my recovery and he's one of them. I know I can be a jerk occassionaly, I say the wrong things all the time and my emotions are still jumbled up so right now all I know is that the things I'm experiencing are good. I can't be more specific at the moment but I really don't want to lose what I have. But, like I said, I'm a fuck-up. So what do I do, oh wise one? You've been lying to me about your relationship for months now. Was it a mistake to start something like that with a friend? I don't know I've never done this before, I don't know the rules! The guys I usually have sex with are like Kleenex wipes: use once, then dispose of. He is not like that.

I have to sign off. Just on a completely unrelated issue and with great frustration I have to say one thing: Tampons SUCK!! Okay, now I feel better. I'll write again when I've come up with some answers.

B.B.
Evey

Southampton - Chapter 25

Dear You,

I'm not sure I can write here the way I used to anymore. I don't feel as confident as I used to. Somehow I'm scared people I know will read the things I write and everything will change. Right now, I'm trying to figure out whether I should write the occasional mean things that come when I'm alone or if I should push them in the back of my mind and forget everything about them. All i know is that I'm not as focused as I'd like to be right now. Especially since our grades came out. Not sure why. My writing feels different. Maybe my parents are right. Maybe I should go back for Easter. I just feel so fucking tired right now.

I also have Zoe now. She's so funny, she's nothing like I remembered from high school. I'm pretty sure she can tell how much I've changed too. I feel so bad for her, we've been out a couple of times she sounds like she's been having a rough time here with the uni and her social life. She's been quite unlucky in the boyfriend department too. She blames it on the different mentality of the British. She told me we're the children of the sun (which I found pretty cool as far as nicknames go) and the people here are cold as ice. Well, it's true they are sort of reserved but I don't think Jack or James are cold, I think they're pretty funny. Then again I have no idea what kind of people she's met. All i know is that I consider myself pretty lucky when it comes to friendships.

Our scriptwriting lecturer asked us to write something that terrifies us the other day. I've said that before but it's only because it's constantly present no matter what I do. What's gonna happen if my emotions go away again? I'm feeling things I haven't felt for years and I'm terrified of losing them. I don't know who to talk to, my mom's out of question, she still doesn't know, Lina can't understand and neither can Thana or Kat or you. In fact no one who hasn't gone through something similar can help me. I'm changing and I'm not sure I like who I'm becoming. I slept with someone, like literally slept with a guy, on a bed that wasn't mine. I broke one of my rules, why did i do that? I have no idea, everything is so messed up in my head, like emotions upon emotions, layers upon layers of undefined, nameless feelings. I can't remember the last time I cried. Why am I like this? I'm happy and I know it and I see it in the photos, in the mirror, in the eyes of my friends and yet I know something's wrong with everything I'm experiencing.

I gotta sign off, I have to write a scene for my scriptwriting class. I guess I'll write again when I feel like it.

B-B,
Evey

Southampton - Chapter 24

Dear You,

Tomorrow is Valentine's day and I was just wondering at what point you stopped being in love with me. Was it when I rejected you? Was it when you spent years watching that parade of beautiful idiots standing by my side? Was it three weeks back when you saw me in my less than perfect appearance? And how did you know you were in love with me in the first place? How do you know when you are in love with someone? It's been such a long time since I even used this word I can't remember how I felt anymore. I'm different now. After the two-year-feeling-nothing experience I have no idea if all the feelings have actually returned.

So, Valentine's day. I hate Valentine's day! Do they have a single's day? Nope! So, what the fuck are the single people supposed to do? Feel like crap because the rest of the world is compelling them to conform and pair up? Fuck that! We are in our 20s! We are supposed to be searching for what we want not confining ourselves when we don't know what's out there!

Anyway I have to wrap this up because I need to dig into a Lydia Davis book I'm supposed to read for Monday and continue writing my book. My assignment scores came back and they were great, I got a first in everything so I'm really happy but I need to focus because right now I'm not as focused as I'd like to be. I think it's the sex. It's really, really good. The weather is awful, it practically compels you to stay in! We'll probably go to see the Fifty Shades of Grey movie tomorrow and laugh about how ridiculous and stupid it is. I'm sick of reading your lies on viber i wish for once in your life you had the balls to admit the truth but I'm probably asking too much.

Bye,
Evey

Southampton - Chapter 23

Dear You,

I know I haven't written to you for quiet a while but that's because I realised that none of the things that happened the past few days are any of your goddamn business. I'm so fucking tired of explaining myself to people and the events of the last three weeks showed me that I don't have to. I stopped the meetings. I'm still debating if I need to keep this blog. It served its purpose. I'm okay and I have friends who can listen to the terrible things that hover in my head without judging. And if it's something so terrible that I absolutely can't tell then I can always write it here.

I'm not going to talk about what a jerk you were or how it hurt when you opened your mouth and let one of the meanest things I've heard in my life slip out. I don't care about that anymore. There are so many things I adore here. That trip did me good; it helped me realise what I needed to keep from that place and what I needed to let go.

I had my birthday and it was absolutely brilliant. The whole concept of b-day week might not have worked as it should but we had an amazing cake day and a brilliant night out. Oh, and presents, loads and loads of presents! Still the most amazing presents I got did not cost much. Sharon baked me a cake, Isa made some special Brasilian chocolatey things called Brigaderos (I think), Asgeir danced with me, Jack sang the California song from the OC (yep, he's that cool!!). He also bought me a book and so did Paola. Oh, and I also got my birthday kiss. Which was awesome.

So, I'm gonna cut it here because I'm really tired and let you digest all you just read. I'll write more tomorrow or later this week I don't know, depends on my mood.

See ya (or not),
Evey

Southampton - Chapter 22

I thought it was about time I wrote a chapter just for me, no You, no nothing. I also thought it was about time I listed my fears, especially with the return luming over me this week. I've been told that if you actually name what you fear and why you fear it that can help you win your battle. My problem is that I quite favor denial which pretty much means ignoring the problem until you can't. Anyway, here goes, the list of my monsters.

i. Country. I'm scared that the moment I set foot on familiar ground everything bad I've left behind will return. This scares the shit out of me, mostly because I've come this far and I'm doing so well. I think it's mostly psychological: lots of bad stuff happened to me there, it's only natural.

ii. The seizures. Now, this is an oldie but a goodie. I know I say it's okay, that I've accepted and incorporated them to my lifestyle but that doesn't mean they don't hurt.

iii. You. Yes, you, you fucking asshole. You're my friend and I will see you but you have no idea how I am now and you always put me on a pedestal. I'm so tired of this game of hide and seek. I just want this to be over. I'm sorry, I just don't give a crap anymore.

iv. Parents. Or, let's generalise it: Family. Why? Do I even have to spell it out? Okay, then, I will. Some are good (mama), some are bad (you know who you are), some are scary as fuck (dad) and some are plain creepy (I really can't talk about them). I know they love me and in my own way I love them too but I just can't deal with them right now.

v. Emotions. Now, this is a tricky one. I know that during those two years of depression I couldn't feel anything and I went to really extreme lenghts to feel something but now, I'm basically being bombarded with emotions, things I haven't felt for a long, long, long time and I'm not sure whether that's a good or a bad thing. Which pretty much leads us to the next one.

vi. Pain. Not talking about physical pain here, I'm just fine, I'm talking about emotional pain. Which is exactly what will happen if I'm not careful. What is wrong with me? I used to rule in that game. Now, I think I suck! If that's not a tragedy I don't know what is.

vii. The second coming. Oh, yes, it was about time I came to that. One of the most important, if not the capital one, and the one I really, really didn't want to talk about. That sneaky feeling that this period of my life is just the intermission and the darkness will return shortly and then everything I've built will disappear and I'll be left wondering what happened and feeling nothing. And then how long till the good, old habits kick in? I don't want any more scars and I definitely don't want my emotions to disappear again. I wish I could just hit pause and let every day here last an eternity.

I can't think of anything else right now, plus, it's pretty damn late, I just want to say one thing, like a small, small wish and hope that someone out there will listen because I've lost two years of my life and I deserve this: I have my birthday in a couple of weeks and I want it to be the BEST BIRTHDAY EVER.

Thank you,
Evey

Southampton - Chapter 21

Dear You,

I know I'm going to see you in a few days but I think it's become clear by now that the things I write here are things I'll never tell you. This is so sad. I used to think you were the one friend I would never lie to. Why did you have to go and fuck up everything? Of course I blame you, isn't that what I always do, blame others and shed responsibility? But let's be serious: we both lied. The difference is that I lied to protect you. Okay, maybe I was trying to protect myself in the process but can you really blame me? I'm so glad you never saw me when things were really bad. Thank god for texts and facebook messages! So, what would you say to me if you knew the truth? You'd ask if I'm okay now. You'd tell me I'm an idiot. You'd demand to know if I still do the things I did back then. Here's my answers: Yes. I know. No. These days it's just the scars that remind me what I did. Everything else seems so far back I don't even recall the little things that mattered so much then.

Okay, enough depressing shit, I already feel like crap because I have to go back. I need to write down the good stuff. Besides, support meetings open again on the 27th and until then the blog is all I have. So, we had the Glass Canyons gig yesterday. That's the name of Jack's band; if we were speaking directly you'd probably make some kind of stupid joke about the name but this is a monologue so you don't get a voice, which is pretty awesome because you can be pretty fucking annoying! Anyway, we went to the Hobbit (that's the name of the pub); it was just James, Asgeir and I. We had a great time, I loved the songs, the sound was so much better, plus Jack had actually washed his hair for that one! I think I got a little bit drunk. I got all high and mighty about English vodka and how it's nothing compared to the vodka in eastern europe and I downed my drinks way too quickly. I don't think they agreed very much with my meds because after a while the room grew warmer and everything turned brighter and I was laughing at practically everything, even if something wasn't funny. It was pretty fucking awesome! And then Asgeir started dancing and I had a pretty good reason to laugh. I don't remember telling him that but I'm definitely saying something on Tuesday. It was disturbing and hilarious at the same time. I'm definitely making him do it on my birthday! Then the gig was over and I went out but there was no bus. Jack found me trying to make sense of the bus schedule and we walked back all the way to his house where I stayed for the night because I literally felt my hands were going to fall if I stayed a minute longer outside. I had a really good time watching him try to inflate an air mattress for me and then I slept like a log.

I woke up at like 10:30 in the morning. We went at Costa for breakfast. I know you and I know you'd probably not like him but your opinion doesn't count the way it used to. I like him. A lot. He makes me feel good about myself. He's kind and polite, and so, so talented. I don't think he even realises how good he is at what he does.

What is there to say, other than I will see you next week? I'll smile and you'll barely recognize me, you'll probably be disappointed in my less than perfect appearance and I will most certainly not give a fuck about what you think.

Evey

P.S. Lina met a guy. He's a bartender, very handsome and he's got a tattoo. I pray to whoever is out there that she finally gets laid!!

Southampton - Chapter 20

Dear You,

I'm scared. No, scratch that, I'm terrified. I wish I could talk to a version of yourself that isn't an asshole. I don't know if that happens with everyone or if it's just me but when you return home you feel like a child again. I'm not overly excited about that. There is a way I can get out of this trip but it involves telling the truth to lots of people and that means my perfect house of cards is just going to collapse. Plus, it's not just me, it's also Lina that I have to think of. So, here's what I'm gonna do: I'm gonna be cool and calm like I always am and hold it together. It's just a couple of days. I'm gonna be fine. I wish there was an actual person that I could talk to about that stuff and then I wouldn't have to talk to you but there isn't and there can't be. I wish I was seventeen again because seven years ago I wasn't damaged and I still had that romantic notion that I would find the love of my life out there and live happily ever after with him. I still can't believe I used to be like that. I'm surprised I didn't also believe in Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy. I don't know if I should laugh or cry right now.

You always told me that no one would ever be good enough for me but I know that you said that because you loved me. Maybe you lied about that too. I know how boys your age are and, let's be frank, I was your only girl friend. I wish I could have loved you like that, it would have solved all my problems. But then what? Would I have stayed in Agrinio? No, on second thought, that would have been a terrible match.

I need to talk to Lina. She's been having the time of her life teasing me but this needs to stop. I never thought it would last this long but I was thinking about the me before the black hole years (cool name huh? I thought it was about time I invented one). I sort of miss her she was pretty awesome in compartmentalisation and I'm just stumbling. And I just realised I'm talking about myself in third person. I'll just stop now. Really though, theoretically, what would I have to do to become the person I used to be? I'm not saying get everything back; there are some parts of myself I'm thankful they've changed. Maybe that no feelings aspect that worked really well until I woke up from those two damn years. Seriously, I feel like I've been sleeping and I woke up in September and came here.

I already told you I'm scared and it's not just the going home thing. Sharon said I'm way too young to give up on relationships. We used to joke with Thana and say we'd both end up old and alone in a house full of cats. I'm seriously depressed now and I shouldn't be. It's just that he looked at me today and smiled and I realised how wrong this is and how exposed I've allowed myself to become. I'm not seventeen anymore. I know better. Lina said I should be happy that I can feel again but she's wrong; I'm not happy, this situation can seriously hurt me. At least our classes started again and I can see all my friends again. I had a couple of hours before the theatre. It was really nice and funny, as always and I'd really missed everyone. Anyway, I think I've said more than enough, especially considering i'm not in the mood. I'll write again tomorrow.

Evey

Southampton - Chapter 19

Dear You,

No, now that I think about it, not so dear! You fucking liar, you fucking asshole! You were the one who taught me that whole no-lies-among-friends mentality, so how did you imagine I would feel when I found out the truth? Or did you just hope I wouldn't? How stupid do you think I am? We've known each other since we were kids did you really think that I wouldn't find out? Let's face it, you're not nearly as bright as you think you are and that's a fact, because if you were why the fuck would you do what you do? Gosh, I haven't been that mad in ages! I'll tell you what though, it feels really good getting it all out!

Of course I'm not going to say anything. Of course I'm going to play it all cool and fine because I know that yelling at you isn't gonna do me much good. So, here's what I'm gonna do: I'm coming home because I made a promise and I always keep my promises but it's for a specific reason, not for you. So, I'm not coming to see you. I'm done dealing with other people's crap I have my own crap to deal with and I hate the fact that our relationship has mutated into something I can't even define anymore. This is not us; we used to tell each other everything, what the fuck happened? Is this the grown-up us? If that's it then I don't ever, ever wanna grow up!

Like I said, you taught me we don't lie to friends, we don't manipulate friends because friends are not family, the bonds we form with them depend on mutual trust and respect. You told me that at a time when people's feelings were the least of my worries but you made me better because you forced me to understand that those who genuinely cared about me (no matter how nasty or abusive I was to them) would not stay there forever. So, what am I suppose to say to you now? I've lived by your words, I never played any of you guys. I did it with family but then again manipulation and backstabbing is daily business with them. You were right, friends are important because no one guarantees they'll be there forever. So tell me now: what am I supposed to do with you?

I lied to you once. I've convinced myself that it doesn't count because I lied to everyone about it but that's not exactly true is it? I don't regret it, I'm glad I did it because otherwise who knows where I'd be now. Parents do tend to get a bit dramatic. Besides, the whole thing fixed itself: I'm now in England and I've put that whole part of my life behind me. I would say no harm done, except that's not true either and I have the scars to prove it.

I'm not coming back to Greece. I will keep writing to you because it helps me and because they told me I should put everything I can't say here. They were right, even though I didn't expect them to be. I guess it's easier to talk about the things that matter in my life to someone I know. That might not make much sense: I still love you, I just don't like you anymore.

Evey

p.s. That goes for Asgeir: please stop reading my crap!!

Southampton - Chapter 19 prelude

Dear You,

I knew you were stupid. I didn't know you were that stupid. That's all I'm gonna say tonight because I'm way too mad and tired right now.

Bye,

Evey

Southampton - Chapter 18

Dear You,

This sense of freedom is really odd. It's not exactly freedom, no, because the results come out on the 5th of February (yes, on my birthday, very funny, haha) so I'll have to wait a whole fucking month before I can breathe. Gosh, I need to go out for a drink! Maybe on a date. That sounds nice. I'm currently stuck in my attic listening to "Let it go", singing really, really bad. Oh, well, I'm going to Sharon's tomorrow, that's always fun.

I talked with mama, she said it's actually colder in Greece than here in England. I'm thinking of going back to vote but then again there are so many things I left behind that I want to avoid. I wish I was a more decisive person but I'm afraid that's me, mercurial and changeable as hell! I know some distance would do me good but we'll see, that's all I can say.

There are times I'm glad you can't read the things I'm writing; then again there are those times when I feel so alone. It's tragic how blind I'd been before that little incident. I never wanted to name it. I guess once you name something it becomes real and I didn't want that. But I love the way people look at me here. Coming in this place was the best decision I've ever made. It's just that, I can't afford to fuck this up, not this time. I'm running out of countries I can hide.

Next month is my birthday and I'm so excited! I haven't had a proper birthday in two years now! I am though having one this year and it's going to be AMAZING! I'm sure of it because this last few months have been amazing and my xmas holidays were great and this place and these people have really helped. I understand I can't undo what I've done but that doesn't mean I can't move on.

Yesterday I was writing this critical commentary for my Art and Craft of Fiction class. It was about my story Alexithymia and I was wondering whether I should put in the commentary the real reason behind the story. I sort of kind of did and then I started thinking how long I can keep avoiding the relationship factor in my life. It's just that relationships are such a commitment and in my case there are so many things I need to explain and I really hate explanations. How can I tell someone I want to sleep alone because every time i close my eyes I know there's always the possibility of a seizure in the early morning hours? I hate the way people look at me when I say I have epilepsy. You can imagine how much I'd hate it if someone I cared about actually saw me have a seizure. Only Lina and my parents have seen that and I could tell it's not pretty. How can I explain the scars all over my body? They're still there, i check every day now. They look better but still they're there. Maybe I'll be okay enough to go swimming this summer. I certainly hope so.

Anyway, with the assignments out of the picture I'm free to go back to the things I love in this country: working at the theatre, archery and, my new revelation: gingerbread lattes!!! I told you I'm going to Sharon's tomorrow. I'll go and have a bath now and not think about him because I'm awesome and I know better. I'll talk about it with Sharon tomorrow. Kisses for now and I'll let you know if something weird comes up.

xx
Evey

p.s. A couple of facebook friends got engaged today, what is wrong with the world???

Southampton - Chapter 17

Dear You,

Tonight I wanna talk about the games. I know I promised to stop but you don't know that, just like you don't know what happened that made me swear I'd give them up. You spent years watching me play them and you never said a thing. I guess it had to be this way; it was after all a birthday wish, a rare moment of clarity when I realised I spent every waking moment playing them, and we both know my birthday wishes always come through. I asked to get better. But there's always a catch, so I had to see myself through the eyes of others and I had to almost die in order to start over. Okay, that was a tad dramatic but you know me, ever the drama queen. I wish I could tell you that story but then I think how you'd react and I stop. Anyway, back to the games.

Lina came here. You know that, I told you when you texted me one of those sad depressing messages that'd been driving me mad these days. We went out for gingerbread lattes. It was strange to speak in Greek out in the open after so much time. I love talking boys with her, she's so different from me, it's bloody brilliant. And suddenly she said it. She said I looked happy. She said I looked so much better, more polite, less angry, she said I'd grown, I'd matured, I was becoming a better person. I just stared at her and said nothing. Now the old me would have smiled and said "thank you sis" because it's such a fucking lie. It's true I rarely do it but still, manipulation used to be daily routine and I do miss it. I haven't entirely given it up. I made Lina come to Southampton on her own; she still thinks it was her idea, poor thing. Mama gave up on her plan to visit; dad has no idea how that happened and she thinks it was Lina who objected. Once you know people it's incredible the things you can make them do if you know which buttons to press. I once made a promise to you never to play my tricks on friends and family but it's so fucking tempting! Plus, you can't really blame me for searching for something familiar once in a while. I promise I haven't used my gifts on anyone else; besides, I'm just figuring them out.

Sharon figured me out pretty quickly. I did not like that but then I thought things over and I believe that's because we're so much alike. She said I'm mercurial and it's true. She said I've got a femme fatale vibe. I used to have that, I'm not sure I do anymore, not in this body.

I wasn't always like that. You know that better than anyone. I used to be a romantic but then I met Arthur and we both know how that story ended. Quite a cliche now that I think about it. Girl meets boy. Girl falls in love. It's all rainbows and unicorns and pink shit. Boy breaks girl's heart. Girl obsesses over what happened. She's a sharp one so she figures it out soon enough: Love is unpredictable and when it comes to relationships there are two people involved and one will always love the other one more. So what do you do with a game you can never win? The answer is rather simple: you don't play it. You replace it with one you know you can win. I was eighteen when I had that epiphany and that's all I've done ever since because I knew the pain was just not worth it. Even my dad could tell how much it hurt, how difficult that first month was. That was the only time he ever commented on my relationships. He told me some people are not worth it but he was wrong. It's the concept that's not worth it.

Lina is very proud. She said it was about time I started feeling things again. She said that's what's normal for people and that she's glad I'm no longer a robot but I hate it and I loved being a robot. It was my thing, feeling nothing and pointing at people who felt and laugh at them. I had a chance to have sex on New Year's and I didn't because I couldn't stop thinking of him and what he was doing and whether he was thinking of me. He probably wasn't and I feel like such an idiot.

I haven't been swimming two years now. I stood before the mirror earlier today and forced myself to look. I regret to inform you they're still there. I don't think they'll ever go away.

I will say something and it's gonna sound horrible. I think the only reason Lina says I'm better this way is because I used to look so much better than her and she wants me to stay this way forever. I think of this quite often. I don't know why. Sometimes I scare myself. I felt so much better when she was here and now that she's gone I hate her again. Sometimes I wish I was normal.

I wish I could tell you about him. Better yet, I wish you could meet him but you're trapped in your own drama and there are lots of plane tickets involved. Don't think for a second that just because I complain about you I don't love you. When you've given up on loving a boyfriend your friends are the only people left. Now I may not have as many as I once thought but I love them fiercely. We will see each other again. I will be there for the summer.

All my love,
Evey