Dear You,
I decided to focus on the positive aspect of what I'm feeling. It is quite obvious that my recovery has come full circle and I can now say that for the time being I am fine. I booked my tickets for Greece and I'm going back on the 8th of June. I'm just trying not to think of anything beyong the 20th of June and then I can have as much fun as I want to, it's just the end of the second semester. I'm not sure I'll do as well as I did on the first but I can certainly try. I need a good grade, I need to stay here, I can't go back! I have to do everything in my power to find something here, I don't care how important it is, I just need a job to keep me in this place. I just can't bare the thought of going back, it turns my stomach.
I know the best thing to do is just forget about it, ignore the fact that I have feelings for him and follow the family instructions: don't talk about your emotions with other people. Keep them to yourself, protect yourself, this is the only way to always be on the winning side. Lina never cared much for that rule, she always leaves herself exposed and every couple of months I have to console her for the loss of yet another boyfriend. I wish there was someone who could tell me, this is what you ought to do, this is how you will get what you want but there is no one and I don't know what I want in the first place.
Here's the deal: I made a promise to you once that I'd never lie to my friends and originally he was my friend before he becomes something more. Now, technically I'm not lying to him (except for the times when he asks Is there something wrong and I say No). I am 90% certain I will never see him again after September (except in the graduation of course) and I can't help but wonder how will that feel. I know it will probably hurt in the beginning but beginnings are always hard. I can only hope that after the first month it will go away. It did last time so why not now. So, if my assumption is correct then it makes no difference whether I tell him or not. In fact I have theorised that it will be a cathartic experience, unburdening myself and moving on. So, maybe I should tell him. Maybe I should wait till the last time I see him and tell him then, sorta like a letting go ritual. That sounds about right. We went out yesterday and talked about whales, suicide and how writers are such cynics when it comes to love. I always found emotions difficult and complicated but if fear and anger exist I know love exists too. And if hate can last forever, then I don't see why love can't either. All that's just theoretical of course, I've never met people who managed to stay as much in love with each other as when they started. My parents have been together for twenty five years. They always fought, it's their way of communicating. I've never actually talked to them about it but I guess to some extent they must still love each other, otherwise why stay together?
I miss my sister. I can't wait for when she finally comes here. Then we will be just a bus ride or a train away from each other. We can be together every weekend. It's just a year. Besides, I will see her in June. This is gonna be awesome! I told her about the tickets yesterday and she was ecstatic. I ll spend a few days with my parents because when he comes over I won't have much time to see them and I know they'll be a tad upset. They haven't seen me since January, it is a pretty long time. Anyway, I need to get back to my assignments. I realise I don't write as often anymore but this is because I understand my problem can't be fixed by writing letters to a fictionalised version of you. I'm reading Necrophilia Variations. That will definitely keep my spirits up.
xx
Evey
I decided to focus on the positive aspect of what I'm feeling. It is quite obvious that my recovery has come full circle and I can now say that for the time being I am fine. I booked my tickets for Greece and I'm going back on the 8th of June. I'm just trying not to think of anything beyong the 20th of June and then I can have as much fun as I want to, it's just the end of the second semester. I'm not sure I'll do as well as I did on the first but I can certainly try. I need a good grade, I need to stay here, I can't go back! I have to do everything in my power to find something here, I don't care how important it is, I just need a job to keep me in this place. I just can't bare the thought of going back, it turns my stomach.
I know the best thing to do is just forget about it, ignore the fact that I have feelings for him and follow the family instructions: don't talk about your emotions with other people. Keep them to yourself, protect yourself, this is the only way to always be on the winning side. Lina never cared much for that rule, she always leaves herself exposed and every couple of months I have to console her for the loss of yet another boyfriend. I wish there was someone who could tell me, this is what you ought to do, this is how you will get what you want but there is no one and I don't know what I want in the first place.
Here's the deal: I made a promise to you once that I'd never lie to my friends and originally he was my friend before he becomes something more. Now, technically I'm not lying to him (except for the times when he asks Is there something wrong and I say No). I am 90% certain I will never see him again after September (except in the graduation of course) and I can't help but wonder how will that feel. I know it will probably hurt in the beginning but beginnings are always hard. I can only hope that after the first month it will go away. It did last time so why not now. So, if my assumption is correct then it makes no difference whether I tell him or not. In fact I have theorised that it will be a cathartic experience, unburdening myself and moving on. So, maybe I should tell him. Maybe I should wait till the last time I see him and tell him then, sorta like a letting go ritual. That sounds about right. We went out yesterday and talked about whales, suicide and how writers are such cynics when it comes to love. I always found emotions difficult and complicated but if fear and anger exist I know love exists too. And if hate can last forever, then I don't see why love can't either. All that's just theoretical of course, I've never met people who managed to stay as much in love with each other as when they started. My parents have been together for twenty five years. They always fought, it's their way of communicating. I've never actually talked to them about it but I guess to some extent they must still love each other, otherwise why stay together?
I miss my sister. I can't wait for when she finally comes here. Then we will be just a bus ride or a train away from each other. We can be together every weekend. It's just a year. Besides, I will see her in June. This is gonna be awesome! I told her about the tickets yesterday and she was ecstatic. I ll spend a few days with my parents because when he comes over I won't have much time to see them and I know they'll be a tad upset. They haven't seen me since January, it is a pretty long time. Anyway, I need to get back to my assignments. I realise I don't write as often anymore but this is because I understand my problem can't be fixed by writing letters to a fictionalised version of you. I'm reading Necrophilia Variations. That will definitely keep my spirits up.
xx
Evey
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