Southampton - Chapter 26

Dear You,

I can't believe I've written twenty-five of these things! I went back and checked what I'd written on the first one. It feels such a long time ago and so many things have happened since November! I was out with Paola today, we met after I finished my shift at the Nuffield. Last time we were with Isa and Sharon they were saying they were going to write a book about everything that happened to me. I have to say that would make an interesting story. A funny one too.

It's pretty easy to track my progress if you know me. The answer is simple: clothes. If I'm taking care of the way I look that means I'm okay. And I've discovered that I can find gorgeous things to wear in a size 10 as well so screw my weight obsession. But that's not what I want to talk about today.

You know me better than anyone. Okay maybe not as well as Lina, but you get what I mean. I used to be horrible to people yet you never said anything. I can see everything now. All that confidence, the idea that I was better than everyone else, that I was the queen of the world, vanished down the black hole I fell into during the two years I spent feeling nothing. Being Greek you can say that was punishment, the tisis, for my hubris. But now I'm okay. And the confidence is back. That charm, the smiles, the way I tease people, it's all a pattern. Am I returning to the person I used to be or is this a completely new version of myself, the me I'm supposed to be?

That was issue number one. Moving on to issue number two.

The chase is over. I got what I wanted. He finally made his move, it was well-received, we've been having sex, so basically I have what I asked for. So, now what? He's my friend. He's a great friend. I can't emphasize that enough. He's a great guy and I really don't want to do anything to mess what we have up. Somehow I feel I really need him. I don't know why but there are certain people here I have tied to my recovery and he's one of them. I know I can be a jerk occassionaly, I say the wrong things all the time and my emotions are still jumbled up so right now all I know is that the things I'm experiencing are good. I can't be more specific at the moment but I really don't want to lose what I have. But, like I said, I'm a fuck-up. So what do I do, oh wise one? You've been lying to me about your relationship for months now. Was it a mistake to start something like that with a friend? I don't know I've never done this before, I don't know the rules! The guys I usually have sex with are like Kleenex wipes: use once, then dispose of. He is not like that.

I have to sign off. Just on a completely unrelated issue and with great frustration I have to say one thing: Tampons SUCK!! Okay, now I feel better. I'll write again when I've come up with some answers.

B.B.
Evey

Southampton - Chapter 25

Dear You,

I'm not sure I can write here the way I used to anymore. I don't feel as confident as I used to. Somehow I'm scared people I know will read the things I write and everything will change. Right now, I'm trying to figure out whether I should write the occasional mean things that come when I'm alone or if I should push them in the back of my mind and forget everything about them. All i know is that I'm not as focused as I'd like to be right now. Especially since our grades came out. Not sure why. My writing feels different. Maybe my parents are right. Maybe I should go back for Easter. I just feel so fucking tired right now.

I also have Zoe now. She's so funny, she's nothing like I remembered from high school. I'm pretty sure she can tell how much I've changed too. I feel so bad for her, we've been out a couple of times she sounds like she's been having a rough time here with the uni and her social life. She's been quite unlucky in the boyfriend department too. She blames it on the different mentality of the British. She told me we're the children of the sun (which I found pretty cool as far as nicknames go) and the people here are cold as ice. Well, it's true they are sort of reserved but I don't think Jack or James are cold, I think they're pretty funny. Then again I have no idea what kind of people she's met. All i know is that I consider myself pretty lucky when it comes to friendships.

Our scriptwriting lecturer asked us to write something that terrifies us the other day. I've said that before but it's only because it's constantly present no matter what I do. What's gonna happen if my emotions go away again? I'm feeling things I haven't felt for years and I'm terrified of losing them. I don't know who to talk to, my mom's out of question, she still doesn't know, Lina can't understand and neither can Thana or Kat or you. In fact no one who hasn't gone through something similar can help me. I'm changing and I'm not sure I like who I'm becoming. I slept with someone, like literally slept with a guy, on a bed that wasn't mine. I broke one of my rules, why did i do that? I have no idea, everything is so messed up in my head, like emotions upon emotions, layers upon layers of undefined, nameless feelings. I can't remember the last time I cried. Why am I like this? I'm happy and I know it and I see it in the photos, in the mirror, in the eyes of my friends and yet I know something's wrong with everything I'm experiencing.

I gotta sign off, I have to write a scene for my scriptwriting class. I guess I'll write again when I feel like it.

B-B,
Evey

Southampton - Chapter 24

Dear You,

Tomorrow is Valentine's day and I was just wondering at what point you stopped being in love with me. Was it when I rejected you? Was it when you spent years watching that parade of beautiful idiots standing by my side? Was it three weeks back when you saw me in my less than perfect appearance? And how did you know you were in love with me in the first place? How do you know when you are in love with someone? It's been such a long time since I even used this word I can't remember how I felt anymore. I'm different now. After the two-year-feeling-nothing experience I have no idea if all the feelings have actually returned.

So, Valentine's day. I hate Valentine's day! Do they have a single's day? Nope! So, what the fuck are the single people supposed to do? Feel like crap because the rest of the world is compelling them to conform and pair up? Fuck that! We are in our 20s! We are supposed to be searching for what we want not confining ourselves when we don't know what's out there!

Anyway I have to wrap this up because I need to dig into a Lydia Davis book I'm supposed to read for Monday and continue writing my book. My assignment scores came back and they were great, I got a first in everything so I'm really happy but I need to focus because right now I'm not as focused as I'd like to be. I think it's the sex. It's really, really good. The weather is awful, it practically compels you to stay in! We'll probably go to see the Fifty Shades of Grey movie tomorrow and laugh about how ridiculous and stupid it is. I'm sick of reading your lies on viber i wish for once in your life you had the balls to admit the truth but I'm probably asking too much.

Bye,
Evey

Southampton - Chapter 23

Dear You,

I know I haven't written to you for quiet a while but that's because I realised that none of the things that happened the past few days are any of your goddamn business. I'm so fucking tired of explaining myself to people and the events of the last three weeks showed me that I don't have to. I stopped the meetings. I'm still debating if I need to keep this blog. It served its purpose. I'm okay and I have friends who can listen to the terrible things that hover in my head without judging. And if it's something so terrible that I absolutely can't tell then I can always write it here.

I'm not going to talk about what a jerk you were or how it hurt when you opened your mouth and let one of the meanest things I've heard in my life slip out. I don't care about that anymore. There are so many things I adore here. That trip did me good; it helped me realise what I needed to keep from that place and what I needed to let go.

I had my birthday and it was absolutely brilliant. The whole concept of b-day week might not have worked as it should but we had an amazing cake day and a brilliant night out. Oh, and presents, loads and loads of presents! Still the most amazing presents I got did not cost much. Sharon baked me a cake, Isa made some special Brasilian chocolatey things called Brigaderos (I think), Asgeir danced with me, Jack sang the California song from the OC (yep, he's that cool!!). He also bought me a book and so did Paola. Oh, and I also got my birthday kiss. Which was awesome.

So, I'm gonna cut it here because I'm really tired and let you digest all you just read. I'll write more tomorrow or later this week I don't know, depends on my mood.

See ya (or not),
Evey