Southampton - Chapter 34

Dear You,

I had a baby seizure today (i.e. partial) so from the get go it was pretty clear that the whole day was fucked. Still, I thought what the hell, it could have been worse, i didn't have a headache or synesthesia so I got up, got dressed and went for coffee at the nice place we usually go at Above Bar street. They had no cake. I wanted to slap the waitress. I ordered a lame blueberry muffin and sat with Sharon and Jack to have my coffee. This is probably our last time having coffee together and they were talking about sharks. I was not in a very talkative mood so I just finished that pathetic muffin and watched them until we left. Sharon's going back to Spain tomorrow. We said goodbye and I walked back home. Jim fixed my bed so by the time I climbed into the attic it was all set up.

I don't know what happened. I wanted to cry but I couldn't, It was like there was this wall behind my eyes and it blocked the water. I gave up and used my vibrator instead. Jack asked if I'm ok before we part and I said yes, of course. He's got other things in his mind and I didn't feel like talking. I prefer listening to him, there's something in his voice that always makes me feel better. I thought he looked quite handsome today but I didn't tell him. I don't know why.

I'm really tired. I think I'll sleep early tonight. It's the nightmares. I get them on a daily basis now, it's official. It's Greece and the fact that I'll see my parents again. I don't know why I started this whole idea that I might tell them what happened to me. There's absolutely no fucking reason to burst their bubble. I've told you before, it would kill them to know how unhappy I've been.

A year and a half ago I hated everyone and everything, I wished the entire human species was dead, I wished my sister was dead because they all had something I didn't. I wished people would leave me the fuck alone and stopped asking me stupid questions about stupid things that didn't matter at all because nothing matters if you can't tie a feeling to it. Now, I wish no one ever left this place, that they all stayed here with me. It's only natural to feel like that I guess. I met these people at a time when I was alone and now I have to say good-bye to them. And that's exactly how I feel: I want to cry but I can't. Instead I try to distract myself with a million stupid things so that I don't have to face the fact that come September I'm going to be alone. Perhaps my parents are right. Perhaps I should come back. But then I think that I'm better than this, that Athens has been very unkind to me and that I hate that place. So I'll go back but it will be just a holiday. Like it or not, this is my reality now. I'm going to miss them so fucking much but I guess this is the natural order: we all have to move on at some point.

xx
Evey

Southampton - Chapter 33

Dear You,

I'll try to keep this short and sweet (relatively). We're done with the submissions, everything's cool, we just have to worry about the stupid dissertation thingy and our year's collection. I got the fun job of bossing the printers around which sounds totally awesome cause I love telling people what to do. Okay, I'm done with the serious stuff (yeah that was meant to be serious) and I can move on to whining about not knowing what I want. Did I tell you my parents want me to go work in Dublin because the Irish make good beer? WTF? Anyway, I'm procrastinating with no reason. Here's what's I've been really thinking about: the orange jacket theory. What's that you say? Well, prepare to be amazed with my infinite wisdom!

A while back, Thana and I came up with a theory that explained why my relationships never lasted. We named it the Orange Jacket Theory and yes there's a story behind it. This is told from my mum's perspective because I was five when it happened. We went into a store to shop for someone that wasn't me. Somehow I found the ugliest neon-orange jacket in the store (because I had no sense of fashion back then) and asked mum to buy it for me. She said no. I put the jacket on, laid on the floor and refused to leave until she bought the damn thing. Mum gave in. The next day she took it out and asked me to wear it so that she could take me to the kindergarden. I looked at it and said i didn't like it. Here's where the relationship factor comes in: everything is a quest. Once I get something/ someone somehow it/he is no longer shiny, not as before anyway.

What's the point in all this? It's just this one question: say I found out what I want from him (because my brain is seriously jumbled up and I have no idea) and he gave it to me, would I get bored in a month? I know this is a really mean thing to say but I have to say it. What makes him different, what separates him from all the others, why is he special? Answer: He's a friend and I've never done this with a friend. It may prove to be a massive mistake but at least i ll know for any future reference.

This fucking sucks, I'd never had this sort of issues before my emotions go away! Fucking depression! I thought I was gonna keep this short but fuck it! Here's a sensible, relatively intelligent plan that i will stick to if I'm smart enough and aware of my well-being: Once he's gone, cut all ties. That includes: facebook, messenger, twitter, texting, skype, whatsup, viber, tumblr and whatever social media bullshit man has come up with. If I am unable to separate romantic from friendly feelings because they have merged into this non-descript, disgusting creature (that slightly resembles Bagul - scary as fuck when you just catch a glimpse of it but ridiculous when you take a proper look) then I can's have either. Fuck that and move on. It will probably feel like shit initially. I give the feeling-shit-period a month. And then everything will be ok.  I need to start thinking on finding a fucking job. Not in Dublin, no. I like the South. I think I'll stick to places near the sea. Blue or gray I kinda need it.

Kisses,
Evey  

Southampton - Chapter 32

Dear You,

I decided to focus on the positive aspect of what I'm feeling. It is quite obvious that my recovery has come full circle and I can now say that for the time being I am fine. I booked my tickets for Greece and I'm going back on the 8th of June. I'm just trying not to think of anything beyong the 20th of June and then I can have as much fun as I want to, it's just the end of the second semester. I'm not sure I'll do as well as I did on the first but I can certainly try. I need a good grade, I need to stay here, I can't go back! I have to do everything in my power to find something here, I don't care how important it is, I just need a job to keep me in this place. I just can't bare the thought of going back, it turns my stomach.

I know the best thing to do is just forget about it, ignore the fact that I have feelings for him and follow the family instructions: don't talk about your emotions with other people. Keep them to yourself, protect yourself, this is the only way to always be on the winning side. Lina never cared much for that rule, she always leaves herself exposed and every couple of months I have to console her for the loss of yet another boyfriend. I wish there was someone who could tell me, this is what you ought to do, this is how you will get what you want but there is no one and I don't know what I want in the first place.

Here's the deal: I made a promise to you once that I'd never lie to my friends and originally he was my friend before he becomes something more. Now, technically I'm not lying to him (except for the times when he asks Is there something wrong and I say No). I am 90% certain I will never see him again after September (except in the graduation of course) and I can't help but wonder how will that feel. I know it will probably hurt in the beginning but beginnings are always hard. I can only hope that after the first month it will go away. It did last time so why not now. So, if my assumption is correct then it makes no difference whether I tell him or not. In fact I have theorised that it will be a cathartic experience, unburdening myself and moving on. So, maybe I should tell him. Maybe I should wait till the last time I see him and tell him then, sorta like a letting go ritual. That sounds about right. We went out yesterday and talked about whales, suicide and how writers are such cynics when it comes to love. I always found emotions difficult and complicated but if fear and anger exist I know love exists too. And if hate can last forever, then I don't see why love can't either. All that's just theoretical of course, I've never met people who managed to stay as much in love with each other as when they started. My parents have been together for twenty five years. They always fought, it's their way of communicating. I've never actually talked to them about it but I guess to some extent they must still love each other, otherwise why stay together?

I miss my sister. I can't wait for when she finally comes here. Then we will be just a bus ride or a train away from each other. We can be together every weekend. It's just a year. Besides, I will see her in June. This is gonna be awesome! I told her about the tickets yesterday and she was ecstatic. I ll spend a few days with my parents because when he comes over I won't have much time to see them and I know they'll be a tad upset. They haven't seen me since January, it is a pretty long time. Anyway, I need to get back to my assignments. I realise I don't write as often anymore but this is because I understand my problem can't be fixed by writing letters to a fictionalised version of you. I'm reading Necrophilia Variations. That will definitely keep my spirits up.

xx
Evey