Southampton - Chapter 30

Dear You,

I feel I must write something important to mark the passing of thirty freaking chapters of me blabbing about my issues but I fear there's not much to tell. It's the Easter break and I'm bored out of my mind. Everyone's pretty much gone and I'm trying to figure out whether this is what my life's gonna be next year. Cause if it is I might as well kill myself now and get it over with. But I'm not going to start thinking about September from now, there's still so much time in between. It's just that I know myself pretty well. I never had to be alone before. But like I said, lots of time. Plus, I still don't know where I'm gonna end up. Next year I might be in France for all I know.

I even went to the pool a few times. I was there today. My hands still smell of chlorine. I think I'll keep going, I need the exercise. Besides, it's not like I've got much else to do. Zoe is lost in her own drama, Isa is busy with work and the rest of them have vanished to family houses and foreign countries. Oh, yeah I've got my writing but that's going swell so I'm not worried. I tried to write today but I mostly did corrections. I also wrote a list of the stupidest things I've ever done and why I did them. Don't ask why, I do stupid shit when I'm bored. Anyway Thana is coming soon i'll be fine. I do miss them though. I don't know when they'll be back but I guess not everyone is like me, they actually feel comfortable around their families.

I'm too bored to write anything else.

Evey

Southampton - Chapter 29

Dear You,

I know it's been a while since I wrote to you but since you're not actually reading this I highly doubt you're upset. The past two weeks have been pretty horrible so bear with me because my life is such a mess and I'm such a mess I feel like a character in a Margaret Atwood novel.

I was late. Two weeks. Two fucking weeks! Do you know when that happened last? Of course you don't because I never told you. Two years ago. Just before my emotions disappeared. I freaked out. Seriously, I completely freaked out and there was no reason now that I look at it logically. There are some technicalities that make it extremelly hard to practically impossible for me to get pregnant but still there I was panicking. I guess it brought everything back so I'm willing to forgive myself for what I think was a massive judgment error. Still, what I can't forgive is telling him about it. Why, why do I have to open my bloody mouth and say EVERYTHING that pops in my mind??? He doesn't know what happened last time. I lied and said I didn't know how or why I couldn't feel anything anymore because the truth is way too horrible and I knew he wouldn't look at me the same way if he knew it. This is one of those cases I was telling you about. You lie to the people you love to protect them. I told Sharon the truth about what happened because I needed to tell someone the truth and if that someone wasn't my mom then it was going to be the next best thing. The way she looked at me, like she pitied me made me so angry but I also felt relieved because I understood that this is it, this is the way everyone is going to look at me and I knew I had to keep that story to myself.

It's funny how when you tell a story you try to make it as vivid as possible for your friends to understand and picture everything exactly like you did. This story was over in 5 sentences and though it was plain facts, no emotions, no descriptions, it still sounded disgusting and filthy in my head. Isabel said that it was the society, that nothing made sense anymore because I felt I had commited some crime but I'm not so sure. One day it was there, the next it wasn't and that wasn't a conscious choice. I didn't have an abortion. It was just gone and I didn't know that it was there in the first place. I come off as such an idiot in this story I'm trying to forget it myself. I hate that I have to lie about certain parts of my life but it's necessary.

There are times I wish I could buy someone else's life. I know that's horrible but that's the purpose of this blog, write all my horrible thoughts and not give a shit. So, yeah. I mean I'm buying all sorts of pointless shit, why not invest in something that can actually make me feel better? I've made great strives since September but I'm not nearly as stable as I'd like to and I fear change so fucking much. I look at the end of the course and it scares the shit out of me! I have no idea what I'm gonna do afterwards.

Anyway, it's Jack's party tonight so I want to have some fun and celebrate and try not to think about some other shit I have on my plate now. I tell myself gramma will be fine and I know it's a selfish wish because mama is in pain seeing her like this and I can only think about the last thing I said to her and I hate myself so fucking much! It's fine. Jack keeps asking if I'm ok and I wish he stopped because he looks at me and makes me feel like I'm broken and I hate it. But it's his party tonight so I'll close my eyes and think of Lefkada and the sea and how it felt the first time I stood on the beach and I listened to the waves and marked the place the water reached on the sand with my fingers. I dream of summer. I'll see you in June but it will be different.

Evey

Southampton - Chapter 28

Dear You,

It's official. The pain is real. This feels so weird. I'm happy because I feel something new but on the other hand there are those rare moments when I wish my emotions disappeared again. I talked about it with Lina. She'd lived through everything so she knows both sides of the coin. She was so mad! She said I barely looked human back then, that this is the way people are supposed to be, this is life. The good things you feel are worth a few of the bad stuff. The side effects. I think it was equally awful for her to watch as it was for me to experience. And yet she kept her mouth shut. I have to admit I was kind of impressed.

I broke my promise. I haven't told her yet and I'm not going to, not unless some fit of honesty hits me anytime soon, which I seriously doubt. I also realised something: those two years I pretended I was okay turned me into an expert liar. Fearing that my parents would actually realise the difference between now and then is one of the stupidest things I have ever heard myself saying. So, that's what I'm going to do. I'm gonna pretend everything is fine, I'm fine, I'm not freaking out, I'm not in pain, I'm perfectly calm. I blame Lina. I blame myself for listening to Lina's psychobubble about life experiences. What the fuck does she know? Why the fuck did I think that she knows better than I do? But I can't let myself fall into familiar patterns again, it's childish and stupid and I've made such progress here. So fuck that! I'm saying suck it up and grow a pair! I cut my nails really, really short. Thana is coming soon at least I get to have her for a few days.

I'm not gonna say that everything is going to be alright because I know that's simply not true. I wish I could turn time back, change my b-day wish, ask for something bigger and better. I know it will come true but maybe I should have asked for something more difficult and challenging. Now that I think about it, no, the wish is fine. Let's start small. Like mom said, one step at a time.

I'm meeting Zoe tomorrow, that's always fun. Don't ask me to define fun. I won't.

You've still not answered my text. You've turned into a massive asshole so I guess that's to be expected. Just remember these things go both ways. If you think I won't retaliate you're fucking dreaming! So this is me, admitting that certain elements I introduced in my life suck and it's a good thing we're not on regular speaking terms because I no longer feel I can talk to you about things like that. Tragic as that may be, I officially feel more comfortable talking to this virtual construction that I have created in order to say the things I can't say to my friends here. And yes, I know exactly how sad and pathetic that makes me.

Evey

Southampton - Chapter 27

Dear You,

I travel a lot. That basically means two things: a. I get to meet a lot of people and b. I get to have a limited amount of time with them.

It's been such a shitty day. It started pretty awesome; there was the sun (pretty rare here) and then Thana messaged me saying she'll come visit on April. And then the workshop came and by the time it was over i felt like someone had thrown a bucket of icy water and ice cubes on me. I won't bore you with the details, you won't understand anyway. Suffice to say I came home and all I wanted was to book a plane and go back home. I just needed to see a friendly face, that's all. You understand now why I'm so excited about Thana coming. It'll be just for a few days but still it's better than nothing. Anyway, back to my flight syndrome, I'm really proud of myself! I didn't do it this time! I stayed and fought against! I guess I've always been too impulsive and running is my get-go response. Horrible, sure thing but comforting nonetheless.

I wish I had made a full recovery. Today hurt but I still can't tell whether I was angry, disappointed, frustrated, sad. Jack was talking to me all the way back and all I could hear was white noise. I knew he was saying nice things but I was trying really hard to put a finger on what I felt and the answer kept slipping away and I wanted to scream and start hitting all the trees with my umbrella until it broke in half. I have no idea what I should do now.

Maybe I should make a list of the emotions I know I've felt. Ok, here we go! The first thing I clearly remember was last April, when I was accepted at universities. It was disgust. I run with that for some time. Then around July there was fear. In August fear mutated into panic. September there was anger. And then I came here. Month after month things got better. Fear was and is quite present though. Embarassment also. Here are some of the things I've managed to name and I'm pretty sure I've felt: Excitement, joy, disappointment, jealousy. Pain. The last one is new so I'm not quite sure of it yet, it will take some time. I was just writing this story the other day; it's about Greece and I suddenly realised how different we are from the English. They are polite and we are rude but at least when I speak to Greek people I know that they are saying what they think. I don't have the same luxury here.

I did something bad. I did something really bad and I didn't even realise it. I came home and I was so sad and I just wanted to feel better. I changed and I lay down and without realising it I was scratching my leg, just underneath the knee. I did that for some time but when I looked down there was blood on the sheets. I'm kinda freaking out now because I broke my promise to Lina and I always keep my promises. That's my ONE rule: if you make me promise about something I will stick to it. So what now? You know what the worst, most awful, ugliest, unspeakable thing was? It felt so fucking good!!

Evey