Dear You,
It's official. The pain is real. This feels so weird. I'm happy because I feel something new but on the other hand there are those rare moments when I wish my emotions disappeared again. I talked about it with Lina. She'd lived through everything so she knows both sides of the coin. She was so mad! She said I barely looked human back then, that this is the way people are supposed to be, this is life. The good things you feel are worth a few of the bad stuff. The side effects. I think it was equally awful for her to watch as it was for me to experience. And yet she kept her mouth shut. I have to admit I was kind of impressed.
I broke my promise. I haven't told her yet and I'm not going to, not unless some fit of honesty hits me anytime soon, which I seriously doubt. I also realised something: those two years I pretended I was okay turned me into an expert liar. Fearing that my parents would actually realise the difference between now and then is one of the stupidest things I have ever heard myself saying. So, that's what I'm going to do. I'm gonna pretend everything is fine, I'm fine, I'm not freaking out, I'm not in pain, I'm perfectly calm. I blame Lina. I blame myself for listening to Lina's psychobubble about life experiences. What the fuck does she know? Why the fuck did I think that she knows better than I do? But I can't let myself fall into familiar patterns again, it's childish and stupid and I've made such progress here. So fuck that! I'm saying suck it up and grow a pair! I cut my nails really, really short. Thana is coming soon at least I get to have her for a few days.
I'm not gonna say that everything is going to be alright because I know that's simply not true. I wish I could turn time back, change my b-day wish, ask for something bigger and better. I know it will come true but maybe I should have asked for something more difficult and challenging. Now that I think about it, no, the wish is fine. Let's start small. Like mom said, one step at a time.
I'm meeting Zoe tomorrow, that's always fun. Don't ask me to define fun. I won't.
You've still not answered my text. You've turned into a massive asshole so I guess that's to be expected. Just remember these things go both ways. If you think I won't retaliate you're fucking dreaming! So this is me, admitting that certain elements I introduced in my life suck and it's a good thing we're not on regular speaking terms because I no longer feel I can talk to you about things like that. Tragic as that may be, I officially feel more comfortable talking to this virtual construction that I have created in order to say the things I can't say to my friends here. And yes, I know exactly how sad and pathetic that makes me.
Evey
It's official. The pain is real. This feels so weird. I'm happy because I feel something new but on the other hand there are those rare moments when I wish my emotions disappeared again. I talked about it with Lina. She'd lived through everything so she knows both sides of the coin. She was so mad! She said I barely looked human back then, that this is the way people are supposed to be, this is life. The good things you feel are worth a few of the bad stuff. The side effects. I think it was equally awful for her to watch as it was for me to experience. And yet she kept her mouth shut. I have to admit I was kind of impressed.
I broke my promise. I haven't told her yet and I'm not going to, not unless some fit of honesty hits me anytime soon, which I seriously doubt. I also realised something: those two years I pretended I was okay turned me into an expert liar. Fearing that my parents would actually realise the difference between now and then is one of the stupidest things I have ever heard myself saying. So, that's what I'm going to do. I'm gonna pretend everything is fine, I'm fine, I'm not freaking out, I'm not in pain, I'm perfectly calm. I blame Lina. I blame myself for listening to Lina's psychobubble about life experiences. What the fuck does she know? Why the fuck did I think that she knows better than I do? But I can't let myself fall into familiar patterns again, it's childish and stupid and I've made such progress here. So fuck that! I'm saying suck it up and grow a pair! I cut my nails really, really short. Thana is coming soon at least I get to have her for a few days.
I'm not gonna say that everything is going to be alright because I know that's simply not true. I wish I could turn time back, change my b-day wish, ask for something bigger and better. I know it will come true but maybe I should have asked for something more difficult and challenging. Now that I think about it, no, the wish is fine. Let's start small. Like mom said, one step at a time.
I'm meeting Zoe tomorrow, that's always fun. Don't ask me to define fun. I won't.
You've still not answered my text. You've turned into a massive asshole so I guess that's to be expected. Just remember these things go both ways. If you think I won't retaliate you're fucking dreaming! So this is me, admitting that certain elements I introduced in my life suck and it's a good thing we're not on regular speaking terms because I no longer feel I can talk to you about things like that. Tragic as that may be, I officially feel more comfortable talking to this virtual construction that I have created in order to say the things I can't say to my friends here. And yes, I know exactly how sad and pathetic that makes me.
Evey
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