Southampton - Chapter 2

Dear You,

It's so bad I keep fantasizing about shooting my leg so that I can distract myself. Okay, maybe that was a bit harsh. Besides, I'm well taken care of. Sue made me some soup. I have no idea how it tasted because taste and smell were the first to go but I smiled and said thank you because she really didn't have to do that for me and she's very nice and didn't care that last night I ate two cookies and two muffins from her personal supply. I couldn't sleep because my nose was blocked so I stayed up all night watching bad Twilight movies and eating crap. I've met someone here who can sympathize with that. You would have liked him, he's a lot like you; maybe that's why I like him so much. He actually came to my archery competition even though it was at 10 in the morning. He says it's no big deal but I really appreciated it. My dad didn't even come to my university graduation ceremony, let alone any competition I ever participated in. I didn't win anything but the prize was candy so I can't say I missed much. And yes I was wearing mom's fleur-de-lis medallion, I wear it all the time, but that thing only works on others. My sister won the bronze wearing it when her handball team was competing, the Broken Glass did well in his exams carrying it and Immortality got her teaching job (even though she had absolutely no experience in the field) when I lent it to her. It doesn't matter, I'm sure I'll get many chances to compete for something real.

I'm afraid to report insomnia is still a bitch. I wish you were here. I don't know why but there are certain people whose voice helps me sleep and yes, it's as creepy as it sounds but I think we've stopped making lists of things that make me weird (or special, as my sister puts it nicely; that girl is too nice for her own good!). These days I mostly listen to the radio but it's definitely not the same.

Since I couldn't sleep last night I did the next best thing: shop! You know how excited I get over xmas and I haven't been this excited for at least two years now, so I went online and bought presents for all my friends. I bought one for you too but I don't know if I'll give it to you. You know me, mercurial as ever, I'll probably change my mind a hundred times before I actually commit to a decision. I have to buy a card for nana as well. Mama wants me to send her something because it's her nameday in a couple of weeks. I'm terrible at writing cards, I'll probably end up writing something like "Don't worry, I'm glad I'm here and not there". I just re-read this last sentence and it actually sounds pretty good. She just wants to know I'm okay and that about sums it up. I'll send the card on Monday.

I hope I get over the cold soon though. I really can't afford to prolong this and if I get a seizure then I'll probably spend a couple of days lying on my back, seeing things. Last time, I was seeing colours for two days and I had to go to uni, which only made things worse. I won't pretend it wasn't interesting, seeing everybody's colours, some of them are really lovely. It must have something to do with the pitch of their voice, I can't think of anything else. High pitched noises are usually yellow, lower ones blue, but I don't actually get to see them unless someone speaks really loud. Now that I think about it, it would be interesting to go to a concert while I can see the sounds. It feels good talking to you about that stuff. I know you'd understand because I know you have tons of issues too. I wish someone would tell me why do the most interesting people come with so much baggage? I'm really tired now so I'll just sign off. I don't know where you are right now but I hope you're having a good time. Even if you don't know it, you are helping me. Thank you for that.

Burn after reading,
Evey

Southampton - Chapter 1

Dear You,

I guess this is a letter because for reasons I'll never understand I feel I can tell you anything and you won't judge. Nobody reads this blog and you don't even know it exists, so I can write whatever I want and never fucking care so I decided to turn this into an experiment. Sure, it's going to be on the net but I don't think I mind if a person or two read it; besides it's a great way to keep track of my progress and right now I've got a massive cold and one hell of a headache so I need a distraction. Anyway enough of my ramblings, let's get to the good stuff.

I've been living in Southampton since the 17th of September. Since none of the people actually involved in my life will read this I think I can say it: I don't miss anything or anyone from home. I know I'm a soulless bitch. Okay, maybe I miss a tiny, little bit the Royal Company. I was going to use their names since one of them doesn't speak English and the other two don't know this blog exists but I think introducing them and writing about them with their nicknames is more fun, so here we go: I think the one I miss most is the Broken Glass. He's such a cynic, so blunt that if you don't know him you'd think he's an asshole. Which he is of course, but not when he comes to his friends. He's basically my brother. I don't think my real brother cares about me as much as the Broken Glass does. Next, there's Kat. Kat is weird. I don't think I can describe her in any other terms, she's a freaking enigma. She never talks about her personal life but she lets everyone else blab all they want about theirs; she's been doing that since kindergarden, which was where we met. She's an excellent listener, she was always the one I turned to with all my drama. I don't think she ever actually had a boyfriend and I don't know why, she's such an amazing person! Finally, there's Immortality. I could write for hours and hours and I still wouldn't cover this. She's crazy. She's the most volatile person I've ever met, she reads philosophy in the bathroom and every time we go out I always return home with a headache and it's not because of the booze. She talks ALL THE TIME!!!! But she's patient as a donkey and no matter how much crap I give her, she'll always ask for more. So that's the Royal Company. You've never met them and you never will. It's sort of a nickname I picked for us when we were kids but that's a long story for another time. Let's move on to NOW.

Well, right now I have a cold and it's fucking annoying. This week, people are going to talk about the first chapter of my book at my children's lit class so I'm kind of nervous. I mean, yes there are like 9, 10 of us in the course and they are all good but there are a couple of people whose writing I absolutely adore. I wonder if they know how good they are or if they are more like me. I wish I could be more like them. I have made great progress since I came here and someone told me I shouldn't make myself small because I'm good. That really made my day. I don't even have to pretend I'm happy anymore. It hit me a few days ago and I wished I could tell somebody about it but they don't even know why I was so sad in the first place. That would have been an awkward conversation. I prefer to think I was sad because at least that's an emotion and emotions are good, even the most painful ones. But I'm okay now, honest, I even went on a date a few weeks back. I don't think awkward begins to cover it. I know you'd have loved it if you were there. This is the last time I let anyone fix me up with a friend of theirs. The guy didn't even know what an MA in Creative Writing is but he's Greek so I guess stupidity should have been anticipated. It got so bad he actually complimented my socks. I was wearing a skirt with over-the-knee socks because I was very cold that day. He said he liked them and asked me where I bought them. I think he did that to justify the fact that the entire time we were there he was staring at my legs. At one point I started wondering whether he had x-ray vision and he was trying to see my panties through the skirt. I got so caught up in that thought, I couldn't even remember which underwear I was wearing and that really worried me and then he popped the sock question. I wanted to ask if he wished to buy some for himself but I was so tired I just told him where I bought them. I stayed for like five more minutes (which in bad date terms is pretty freaking long) then made the usual I-need-to-study-excuse and left. At least he paid for my coffee.

Which brings us to the next thing I need to say: Coffee in this country SUCKS! There I said it, now I feel better. But anyway I just wrote about the date thing because it actually hit me later that it's entirely possible that would be my last date with a Greek person and I felt really sad about it. My first love was from Greece and sure he treated me like crap and yes I was never particularly nice to him either and right now he's in Munich, probably with some blond skank but he remains, to this day, the longest relationship I've had. Which is pretty depressing because it was six months and we didn't have sex.

I think I should stop writing now. I'll try to do it every day but I make no promises. I feel better though so I guess it worked. I just have to say a couple of things before I close.

I wish I was a braver person. I know everyone who's ever met me thinks I'm brave because I don't hesitate I just do things no matter how scary they are but it's not true. All I've ever done in my life is run and I'm good at it and it feels great to leave your problems behind because then you can just pretend they don't exist and be fine with it. That being said, I'm glad I lied to everyone and I'm glad I lied to you. Well, technically it's lying by omission but anyway. I just know that if you show people weakness they're going to treat you as weak and I don't want anyone to see me like this. My insomnia persists by the way. I'll tell you more about it tomorrow, now I'm just gonna sign off and go make another cup of tea. It felt good talking to you, even though you weren't listening. It's been such a long time.

Burn after reading,
Evey