Dear You,
I'm not sure I can write here the way I used to anymore. I don't feel as confident as I used to. Somehow I'm scared people I know will read the things I write and everything will change. Right now, I'm trying to figure out whether I should write the occasional mean things that come when I'm alone or if I should push them in the back of my mind and forget everything about them. All i know is that I'm not as focused as I'd like to be right now. Especially since our grades came out. Not sure why. My writing feels different. Maybe my parents are right. Maybe I should go back for Easter. I just feel so fucking tired right now.
I also have Zoe now. She's so funny, she's nothing like I remembered from high school. I'm pretty sure she can tell how much I've changed too. I feel so bad for her, we've been out a couple of times she sounds like she's been having a rough time here with the uni and her social life. She's been quite unlucky in the boyfriend department too. She blames it on the different mentality of the British. She told me we're the children of the sun (which I found pretty cool as far as nicknames go) and the people here are cold as ice. Well, it's true they are sort of reserved but I don't think Jack or James are cold, I think they're pretty funny. Then again I have no idea what kind of people she's met. All i know is that I consider myself pretty lucky when it comes to friendships.
Our scriptwriting lecturer asked us to write something that terrifies us the other day. I've said that before but it's only because it's constantly present no matter what I do. What's gonna happen if my emotions go away again? I'm feeling things I haven't felt for years and I'm terrified of losing them. I don't know who to talk to, my mom's out of question, she still doesn't know, Lina can't understand and neither can Thana or Kat or you. In fact no one who hasn't gone through something similar can help me. I'm changing and I'm not sure I like who I'm becoming. I slept with someone, like literally slept with a guy, on a bed that wasn't mine. I broke one of my rules, why did i do that? I have no idea, everything is so messed up in my head, like emotions upon emotions, layers upon layers of undefined, nameless feelings. I can't remember the last time I cried. Why am I like this? I'm happy and I know it and I see it in the photos, in the mirror, in the eyes of my friends and yet I know something's wrong with everything I'm experiencing.
I gotta sign off, I have to write a scene for my scriptwriting class. I guess I'll write again when I feel like it.
B-B,
Evey
I'm not sure I can write here the way I used to anymore. I don't feel as confident as I used to. Somehow I'm scared people I know will read the things I write and everything will change. Right now, I'm trying to figure out whether I should write the occasional mean things that come when I'm alone or if I should push them in the back of my mind and forget everything about them. All i know is that I'm not as focused as I'd like to be right now. Especially since our grades came out. Not sure why. My writing feels different. Maybe my parents are right. Maybe I should go back for Easter. I just feel so fucking tired right now.
I also have Zoe now. She's so funny, she's nothing like I remembered from high school. I'm pretty sure she can tell how much I've changed too. I feel so bad for her, we've been out a couple of times she sounds like she's been having a rough time here with the uni and her social life. She's been quite unlucky in the boyfriend department too. She blames it on the different mentality of the British. She told me we're the children of the sun (which I found pretty cool as far as nicknames go) and the people here are cold as ice. Well, it's true they are sort of reserved but I don't think Jack or James are cold, I think they're pretty funny. Then again I have no idea what kind of people she's met. All i know is that I consider myself pretty lucky when it comes to friendships.
Our scriptwriting lecturer asked us to write something that terrifies us the other day. I've said that before but it's only because it's constantly present no matter what I do. What's gonna happen if my emotions go away again? I'm feeling things I haven't felt for years and I'm terrified of losing them. I don't know who to talk to, my mom's out of question, she still doesn't know, Lina can't understand and neither can Thana or Kat or you. In fact no one who hasn't gone through something similar can help me. I'm changing and I'm not sure I like who I'm becoming. I slept with someone, like literally slept with a guy, on a bed that wasn't mine. I broke one of my rules, why did i do that? I have no idea, everything is so messed up in my head, like emotions upon emotions, layers upon layers of undefined, nameless feelings. I can't remember the last time I cried. Why am I like this? I'm happy and I know it and I see it in the photos, in the mirror, in the eyes of my friends and yet I know something's wrong with everything I'm experiencing.
I gotta sign off, I have to write a scene for my scriptwriting class. I guess I'll write again when I feel like it.
B-B,
Evey
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