Dear You,
I can't believe I've written twenty-five of these things! I went back and checked what I'd written on the first one. It feels such a long time ago and so many things have happened since November! I was out with Paola today, we met after I finished my shift at the Nuffield. Last time we were with Isa and Sharon they were saying they were going to write a book about everything that happened to me. I have to say that would make an interesting story. A funny one too.
It's pretty easy to track my progress if you know me. The answer is simple: clothes. If I'm taking care of the way I look that means I'm okay. And I've discovered that I can find gorgeous things to wear in a size 10 as well so screw my weight obsession. But that's not what I want to talk about today.
You know me better than anyone. Okay maybe not as well as Lina, but you get what I mean. I used to be horrible to people yet you never said anything. I can see everything now. All that confidence, the idea that I was better than everyone else, that I was the queen of the world, vanished down the black hole I fell into during the two years I spent feeling nothing. Being Greek you can say that was punishment, the tisis, for my hubris. But now I'm okay. And the confidence is back. That charm, the smiles, the way I tease people, it's all a pattern. Am I returning to the person I used to be or is this a completely new version of myself, the me I'm supposed to be?
That was issue number one. Moving on to issue number two.
The chase is over. I got what I wanted. He finally made his move, it was well-received, we've been having sex, so basically I have what I asked for. So, now what? He's my friend. He's a great friend. I can't emphasize that enough. He's a great guy and I really don't want to do anything to mess what we have up. Somehow I feel I really need him. I don't know why but there are certain people here I have tied to my recovery and he's one of them. I know I can be a jerk occassionaly, I say the wrong things all the time and my emotions are still jumbled up so right now all I know is that the things I'm experiencing are good. I can't be more specific at the moment but I really don't want to lose what I have. But, like I said, I'm a fuck-up. So what do I do, oh wise one? You've been lying to me about your relationship for months now. Was it a mistake to start something like that with a friend? I don't know I've never done this before, I don't know the rules! The guys I usually have sex with are like Kleenex wipes: use once, then dispose of. He is not like that.
I have to sign off. Just on a completely unrelated issue and with great frustration I have to say one thing: Tampons SUCK!! Okay, now I feel better. I'll write again when I've come up with some answers.
B.B.
Evey
I can't believe I've written twenty-five of these things! I went back and checked what I'd written on the first one. It feels such a long time ago and so many things have happened since November! I was out with Paola today, we met after I finished my shift at the Nuffield. Last time we were with Isa and Sharon they were saying they were going to write a book about everything that happened to me. I have to say that would make an interesting story. A funny one too.
It's pretty easy to track my progress if you know me. The answer is simple: clothes. If I'm taking care of the way I look that means I'm okay. And I've discovered that I can find gorgeous things to wear in a size 10 as well so screw my weight obsession. But that's not what I want to talk about today.
You know me better than anyone. Okay maybe not as well as Lina, but you get what I mean. I used to be horrible to people yet you never said anything. I can see everything now. All that confidence, the idea that I was better than everyone else, that I was the queen of the world, vanished down the black hole I fell into during the two years I spent feeling nothing. Being Greek you can say that was punishment, the tisis, for my hubris. But now I'm okay. And the confidence is back. That charm, the smiles, the way I tease people, it's all a pattern. Am I returning to the person I used to be or is this a completely new version of myself, the me I'm supposed to be?
That was issue number one. Moving on to issue number two.
The chase is over. I got what I wanted. He finally made his move, it was well-received, we've been having sex, so basically I have what I asked for. So, now what? He's my friend. He's a great friend. I can't emphasize that enough. He's a great guy and I really don't want to do anything to mess what we have up. Somehow I feel I really need him. I don't know why but there are certain people here I have tied to my recovery and he's one of them. I know I can be a jerk occassionaly, I say the wrong things all the time and my emotions are still jumbled up so right now all I know is that the things I'm experiencing are good. I can't be more specific at the moment but I really don't want to lose what I have. But, like I said, I'm a fuck-up. So what do I do, oh wise one? You've been lying to me about your relationship for months now. Was it a mistake to start something like that with a friend? I don't know I've never done this before, I don't know the rules! The guys I usually have sex with are like Kleenex wipes: use once, then dispose of. He is not like that.
I have to sign off. Just on a completely unrelated issue and with great frustration I have to say one thing: Tampons SUCK!! Okay, now I feel better. I'll write again when I've come up with some answers.
B.B.
Evey
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