Dear You,
I travel a lot. That basically means two things: a. I get to meet a lot of people and b. I get to have a limited amount of time with them.
It's been such a shitty day. It started pretty awesome; there was the sun (pretty rare here) and then Thana messaged me saying she'll come visit on April. And then the workshop came and by the time it was over i felt like someone had thrown a bucket of icy water and ice cubes on me. I won't bore you with the details, you won't understand anyway. Suffice to say I came home and all I wanted was to book a plane and go back home. I just needed to see a friendly face, that's all. You understand now why I'm so excited about Thana coming. It'll be just for a few days but still it's better than nothing. Anyway, back to my flight syndrome, I'm really proud of myself! I didn't do it this time! I stayed and fought against! I guess I've always been too impulsive and running is my get-go response. Horrible, sure thing but comforting nonetheless.
I wish I had made a full recovery. Today hurt but I still can't tell whether I was angry, disappointed, frustrated, sad. Jack was talking to me all the way back and all I could hear was white noise. I knew he was saying nice things but I was trying really hard to put a finger on what I felt and the answer kept slipping away and I wanted to scream and start hitting all the trees with my umbrella until it broke in half. I have no idea what I should do now.
Maybe I should make a list of the emotions I know I've felt. Ok, here we go! The first thing I clearly remember was last April, when I was accepted at universities. It was disgust. I run with that for some time. Then around July there was fear. In August fear mutated into panic. September there was anger. And then I came here. Month after month things got better. Fear was and is quite present though. Embarassment also. Here are some of the things I've managed to name and I'm pretty sure I've felt: Excitement, joy, disappointment, jealousy. Pain. The last one is new so I'm not quite sure of it yet, it will take some time. I was just writing this story the other day; it's about Greece and I suddenly realised how different we are from the English. They are polite and we are rude but at least when I speak to Greek people I know that they are saying what they think. I don't have the same luxury here.
I did something bad. I did something really bad and I didn't even realise it. I came home and I was so sad and I just wanted to feel better. I changed and I lay down and without realising it I was scratching my leg, just underneath the knee. I did that for some time but when I looked down there was blood on the sheets. I'm kinda freaking out now because I broke my promise to Lina and I always keep my promises. That's my ONE rule: if you make me promise about something I will stick to it. So what now? You know what the worst, most awful, ugliest, unspeakable thing was? It felt so fucking good!!
Evey
I travel a lot. That basically means two things: a. I get to meet a lot of people and b. I get to have a limited amount of time with them.
It's been such a shitty day. It started pretty awesome; there was the sun (pretty rare here) and then Thana messaged me saying she'll come visit on April. And then the workshop came and by the time it was over i felt like someone had thrown a bucket of icy water and ice cubes on me. I won't bore you with the details, you won't understand anyway. Suffice to say I came home and all I wanted was to book a plane and go back home. I just needed to see a friendly face, that's all. You understand now why I'm so excited about Thana coming. It'll be just for a few days but still it's better than nothing. Anyway, back to my flight syndrome, I'm really proud of myself! I didn't do it this time! I stayed and fought against! I guess I've always been too impulsive and running is my get-go response. Horrible, sure thing but comforting nonetheless.
I wish I had made a full recovery. Today hurt but I still can't tell whether I was angry, disappointed, frustrated, sad. Jack was talking to me all the way back and all I could hear was white noise. I knew he was saying nice things but I was trying really hard to put a finger on what I felt and the answer kept slipping away and I wanted to scream and start hitting all the trees with my umbrella until it broke in half. I have no idea what I should do now.
Maybe I should make a list of the emotions I know I've felt. Ok, here we go! The first thing I clearly remember was last April, when I was accepted at universities. It was disgust. I run with that for some time. Then around July there was fear. In August fear mutated into panic. September there was anger. And then I came here. Month after month things got better. Fear was and is quite present though. Embarassment also. Here are some of the things I've managed to name and I'm pretty sure I've felt: Excitement, joy, disappointment, jealousy. Pain. The last one is new so I'm not quite sure of it yet, it will take some time. I was just writing this story the other day; it's about Greece and I suddenly realised how different we are from the English. They are polite and we are rude but at least when I speak to Greek people I know that they are saying what they think. I don't have the same luxury here.
I did something bad. I did something really bad and I didn't even realise it. I came home and I was so sad and I just wanted to feel better. I changed and I lay down and without realising it I was scratching my leg, just underneath the knee. I did that for some time but when I looked down there was blood on the sheets. I'm kinda freaking out now because I broke my promise to Lina and I always keep my promises. That's my ONE rule: if you make me promise about something I will stick to it. So what now? You know what the worst, most awful, ugliest, unspeakable thing was? It felt so fucking good!!
Evey
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