Dear You,
I'm supposed to be writing my Tenessee Williams presentation right now and instead I'm listening to St. Vincent while writing to you because fuck it! Do you realise it's just a month and a half before I step on Greek soil? The thought alone feels so strange. I'm going to see you. I hope you won't be an asshole. I'm doing much better, I actual went to All Saints today at the West Quay and tried something. I'm not going to lie I'm so fucking tired, I want the course to end and for me to get a good grade but on the other hand the end of the course will mean the end of many things. I'm going to lose so much and we all know I don't deal with loss very well. It doesn't happen very often because, well, it's me and when I want something I get it and I keep it. I wish my parents had spoiled me less so that I'd become accustomed to this feeling but there's no point in asking to change the past. I don't know what the rest of us are planning, I don't think they quite know either. Jack told me he's going back to his parents, Isa will fly back to Brazil and Sharon will be off to Spain. I don't know. This is so frustrating but also surprising. Half the times I want to cry, half of them I want to burst into laughter and I have no idea why. I think I'm turning into a schizophrenic.
I tell myself it's gonna be alright. I knew this was happening from the start. What I didn't know though was that I would actually grow to care for these people. It's awful. Great because I feel things but awful because I'm losing. I guess that's what happens, with people, you find them and then you lose them and move on. I'm more resistant to the idea of letting people go because I'm like a child but I can't help it. I told my mom about it and she said it's the same with me and my parents; it's not easy for them either having me in a different country but I'm happy and they're happy for me.
You remember when I told you that distance would do me good? It didn't. The only thing that was actually triumphantly confirmed was that I have feelings for him. Which basically means I'm fucked. Did you hear that? F-U-C-K-E-D!! This is a disaster! This never happens!! I mean what the fuck?? I have no idea how to deal with these feelings, they don't feel like a part of me, it's like I'm watching a version of myself being controled by this alien, agressive life form and I'm tied to a chair, I can't speak, I can't move, there's nothing I can say or do to prevent the inevitable end: pain. So much pain. And for what? I don't know. I don't know. I have to go. I wish I could edit part of myselfs. I wish I was the Evey I used to be. I was a bitch but at least I was happy.
Thank you for listening to the things I'll never speak to them.
Evey
P.S Gramma is getting worse. She understands what's happening around her but she can't speak. She has lost a lot of weight. They're expecting it to happen soon.
P.S. 2 I accidentally cut myself yesterday. I watched the blood run down my leg. It was a darker shade than I remembered. I put a plaster on later.
I'm supposed to be writing my Tenessee Williams presentation right now and instead I'm listening to St. Vincent while writing to you because fuck it! Do you realise it's just a month and a half before I step on Greek soil? The thought alone feels so strange. I'm going to see you. I hope you won't be an asshole. I'm doing much better, I actual went to All Saints today at the West Quay and tried something. I'm not going to lie I'm so fucking tired, I want the course to end and for me to get a good grade but on the other hand the end of the course will mean the end of many things. I'm going to lose so much and we all know I don't deal with loss very well. It doesn't happen very often because, well, it's me and when I want something I get it and I keep it. I wish my parents had spoiled me less so that I'd become accustomed to this feeling but there's no point in asking to change the past. I don't know what the rest of us are planning, I don't think they quite know either. Jack told me he's going back to his parents, Isa will fly back to Brazil and Sharon will be off to Spain. I don't know. This is so frustrating but also surprising. Half the times I want to cry, half of them I want to burst into laughter and I have no idea why. I think I'm turning into a schizophrenic.
I tell myself it's gonna be alright. I knew this was happening from the start. What I didn't know though was that I would actually grow to care for these people. It's awful. Great because I feel things but awful because I'm losing. I guess that's what happens, with people, you find them and then you lose them and move on. I'm more resistant to the idea of letting people go because I'm like a child but I can't help it. I told my mom about it and she said it's the same with me and my parents; it's not easy for them either having me in a different country but I'm happy and they're happy for me.
You remember when I told you that distance would do me good? It didn't. The only thing that was actually triumphantly confirmed was that I have feelings for him. Which basically means I'm fucked. Did you hear that? F-U-C-K-E-D!! This is a disaster! This never happens!! I mean what the fuck?? I have no idea how to deal with these feelings, they don't feel like a part of me, it's like I'm watching a version of myself being controled by this alien, agressive life form and I'm tied to a chair, I can't speak, I can't move, there's nothing I can say or do to prevent the inevitable end: pain. So much pain. And for what? I don't know. I don't know. I have to go. I wish I could edit part of myselfs. I wish I was the Evey I used to be. I was a bitch but at least I was happy.
Thank you for listening to the things I'll never speak to them.
Evey
P.S Gramma is getting worse. She understands what's happening around her but she can't speak. She has lost a lot of weight. They're expecting it to happen soon.
P.S. 2 I accidentally cut myself yesterday. I watched the blood run down my leg. It was a darker shade than I remembered. I put a plaster on later.
