Southampton - Chapter 16

Dear You,

I know I haven't written for quite some time now. Lina is driving me nuts and I don't feel like it. And now I barely got the time to say I'm okay so don't worry we're just running around all the time. I haven't seen this much of Southampton all the time I've been here and I've been here for months!               

Anyway, I just meant to say after London I'm moving onto phase two with my plan since phase one was such a spectacular disaster. Your texts about missing me with all those weeping emoticons don't help either just so you know. I'll write more later today.

Speak(or write) soon,

Evey                               

Southampton - Chapter 15

Dear You,

Guess what! I'm going bowling tomorrow! Yay! Turns out Paola can't make it so it was either that or the other three options I listed yesterday. I'd rather not go out with that guy and  getting drunk by myself sounds pretty pathetic. Of course there's always the muffin solution but I've been doing so well diet-wise I'd rather not break the cycle. Yes, it's sad that I'll spend my Christmas Eve in a bowling alley where they only serve soft drinks and yes, it's sad that my meal is gonna be cheeseburger and fries but at least I'm gonna be with friends. That doesn't sound bad. And besides, if I am to get drunk it would be much better if I had someone to help afterwards. Lina will be here soon enough so I think I'll be okay.

In a completely different front, I received my first card from Greece today. It was from aunt Mary, saying how glad she is I'm doing so well and reminding me to send a card at gramma. They do think I'm completely unreliable. I also had a horrible nightmare the other day, I totally forgot to tell you: dad transfered a million euros in one of my accounts and then he kept following me around asking me what I'm doing with my money and why I am not studying. It was pretty creepy. I think it's a combination of the news about my inheritance, the fact that I've not told them I want to stay here permanently and the upcoming semester evaluation that triggered it. I'm not sure. My dreams were always pretty wild.

Speaking of dreams, I was wondering whether you still think of her. I've been told that Christmas is one of the worst times to be single (followed by New Years and Valentine's days which I think is pretty bad because they're all together). Lina was kind enough to point out (for the millionth time) that I'm an emotionless robot and then she practically exploded. She's such a lovable, insecure creature my little sister. I think she's trying too hard. Anyway, back to you, I know that it would be insensitive of me to ask you such a thing, especially since you only just started talking to me again but in this blog I can do whatever the hell I want. I just can't get this question out of my head: why the hell do we miss people who treated us like crap?

You do remember Arthur I imagine. Of course you do, you used to call him Camelot. Even after everything he did, I still missed him but maybe we should blame that on the fact that I was only 17 and he remains, to this day, the only guy I believe I was genuinely in love with. I think that was the point I decided love is not such a great thing. And then as you recall, everything changed. Anyway, enough memory lane crap, we're in the present now and, let's be honest, our romantic situations suck. Yours more than mine of course (because I'm an emotionless robot, remember?). You just have to brave through these three damn holidays and everything will be alright!

So, anyway, I hope you spend your Christmas at a bar and not playing bowling with a bunch of nerds. And if you grow so depressed that killing yourself starts making sense please remember: the only black dresses I have are slutty and definitely not funeral material, plus I'm worried I've spent more money on clothes than food this month so please take pity on me. You don't want Pericles Damianopoulos to kill your best friend, do you?

I think I should sign off now. Mrs. Susan is baking cookies downstairs and the smell is torture. I think I'll work on my piece for Rebbeca to distract myself. Have a lovely Christmas darling!

Holiday kisses,
Evey

Southampton - Chapter 14

Dear You,

People suck!! Just my luck, it's two days till Christmas Eve and I have no date and no plans! Isa bowed out (she wants to go bowling with her friends from the halls) which is totally fine because we're different people with different interests and that's one of the reasons I like her so much but it kind of left a not very nice hole in my schedule. Everyone has gone home to be with their families for the holidays. So, since I can't bitch about my ruined Christmas plans to you via email or skype (for obvious reasons) I'm going to do it here! Here are my options:

a. Buy as many muffins as possible. I'm talking everything, blueberry, choc chip, lemon poppy seed, dark chocolate chunk, EVERYTHING! Then, take them back to my place and wash them down with the bottle of wine the theatre will give us lot for working during the holidays, until I feel muffins coming out of my ears.

b. Put on that gorgeous black All Saints dress I bought last month, some make up, maybe do smokey eyes if I feel like it, or maybe just stick to the good old Rouge Dior lipstick (shade 941 - Rouge Cannage) go to Jesters, dance, get drunk and make out with some random guy. I know, I know I've promised not to do that anymore but come on give me a break! I mean my friend chose bowling over dancing and I'm on my own here! Sometimes holidays depress me. Anyway, moving on...

c. Go out with that guy who asked me for a drink at work the other day. This is the least likely option for two reasons: i. We've literally spoken two times and I think he asked me out because I was wearing my skater skirt that day and I was going up and down the stairs all the time, which I find super creepy. ii. I'm already trying to get rid of my feelings for one guy, I really don't feel like putting a second one in the equation! Which brings us to...

d. Put on a sensible and tasteful outfit and go out with Paola. We'll probably not end up at Jesters and we won't do much dancing either but we'll go for drinks, chat and laugh and I won't end up waking up in a stranger's appartment with a killer headache, searching for my underwear.

Looking at everything now I think I'll probably choose door number four. Besides Lina will be here on the 27th, we'll go to Jesters and get drunk then! I know you feel like crap and I know the holidays will be torture for you and I wish there was something I could say or do to make it all go away but there isn't. You need time to realise that this is actually a good thing. You're a big boy. Trust me when I say this: you're gonna be okay.

Love always,
Evey

Southampton - Chapter 13

Dear You,

This is so funny. I'm sorry, I know I'm not supposed to laugh, I know you're in pain it's just that the mean girl inside me is slowly waking up. Don't worry, I won't let her take over. I would never, ever return to the person I once was. I thought everyone adored me when everyone hated me. When I was sick nobody called to see if I was okay. Naturally they called Lina, they tried to find out whether I was in rehab for drugs or an eating disorder (as if I could ever be such a cliche!!) but no one cared to see if I needed anything. Over the course of these two years I realized that I only had three real friends. Kat left for Japan, I drove Thana away because I was too proud to actually let her see what I had become and I was so mean to you, you had every right to hate me. Anyway, that's all in the past now.

So, I finally got that long awaited e-mail from your highness! You say you want me to return to Greece because you have no one to talk to and you feel like crap and I'm the only person you know you can confide in but where were you when I needed you? I'm sorry but as much as I love you I have to choose myself. I know that if I return to Greece now I'm gonna have to deal with all the mess I left behind and I really don't want that. I'm a runner remember? I'm sorry but if you want to see me you are gonna have to come here yourself.

I'm writing to you now under my skylight. I've turned on the star-shaped lights Isa bought me the other day and I feel so happy. This is my first Christmas away from my family. No matter where I was I always found a way to go back home on Christmas. I spoke with mama the other day I can tell she's sad. She's still trying to convince me to join them for Easter but I'll wait till we're done with classes and then return home. Summer is so much better in Greece, plus I might convince some of my friends here to join me.

I still have to write a letter to Santa but I've got a pretty good idea what I'm going to ask. My card hasn't arrived in Greece yet but I'm sure gramma will get it before Christmas. I don't know why she has this weird obsession with cards but I do hope she likes it.

Only six days till Lina's arrival. She's practically counting them now. I have to admit she's sort of pulled me into it as well. It will feel so good to finally talk to her from the other side of a coffee table! Plus she gives some pretty good advice and I do need some advice right now. I've got so much stuff to do I barely think of him, still as long as he's in my mind I'm failing in my task. I guess the fact that it's Christmas is not helping either. Anyway, I have faith in my abilities. Unlike you, I know when something can be done and when something is not meant to be. See how much I've grown since you last saw me? Despite everything I do wish you could come here, even if it was for a handful of days. I've missed you calling me Baby Girl and saying that no one will ever be good enough for me. I've sort of grown fond of these letters, me writing to you and you not listening to me. It's liberating. Anyway, I've got to sign off now. Work to do, things to write! I hope the next time I speak to you, you'll answer.

Love always,
Evey

Southampton - Chapter 12

Dear You,

I spoke again with dad today. It was about the second deposit for the university and yes it was as awkward as it sounds. When I made the first payment I couldn't figure out why he wanted to split the fee. Now I know. He thought it was just a matter of time before I gave up and fled this country. It wouldn't have been the first time. Okay, I understand that I am a bit impulsive but I am no quitter! You know that, don't you? It was a bit of a shock. I think he was actually rooting for it, he'd already had his back-up plan in place (Switzerland, surprise, surprise!). I can't tell if he's mad or impressed I lasted that long in England. Anyway, who cares? He might not like what I'm doing but he is paying for it.

No, I still haven't told him that I'm staying. Can you blame me after that? I'm currently drowning in drafts, I've got some great stuff to work with, especially comments from Jack and James have been very helpful. I feel like such an idiot every time I open my mouth to comment on their stories! I know it sounds silly but they scare the crap out of me and I will explain. You know how I was when I worked in Greece. Not many people can do what I do, reversed translation/ interpretation is rare and in demand and let's be honest, I was always a bit of a show off. I bragged a lot because I was one of the best (not to mention youngest) in the field and there was never much of a competition. You have no idea how I feel now. The people here are AMAZING! They have been doing this for years, what the fuck do I know? I guess dad was right to some extent, I guess I would have probably been more comfortable in the Interpretation school.

I'll let you in on a little secrets: Translators are boring! I'm not joking, they are boring! I've met my fair share of them and I seriously doubt I would have been as happy with them as I am with the people here. I think secretly dad knows that too. He's not an idiot, he's one of the smartest people I know and we've been skyping since September. He might not know what happened to me or how it affected me but he could see that there was something missing. I'm not sure I've found what I lost that summer, two years ago but I know I'm in the right path. Who knows, maybe one day I'll tell you the truth and we'll laugh like we always did whenever I did something crazy. Or, you'll kill me because I lied to you about something that serious. I really hope it's the former.

I'm meeting the girls on Wednesday to discuss our drafts. I think I'm gonna write a letter to Santa too. I've not been nice but he was always generous, who knows, maybe he'll take pity on me. It's not like I ask for much! Mama asked me if I want her to send me anything now that Lina will come and I said thanks but no, thanks! I don't expect much; we both know I get one good wish on my birthday and that always, ALWAYS comes true and I already know what I'm gonna ask. It's just that it would have been nice to get something extra. Yes, I'm greedy, tell me something I don't know.

I'm gonna sign off now and go make something to eat. I'm doing good with the whole diet/ exercising plan. I'll write to you again soon. Here's a small wish: I wish you stopped ignoring me and maybe text me a "Happy Holidays".

You suck!
Evey

Southampton - Chapter 11

Dear You,

I spoke with Lina last night. And when I say night, I mean the deep, deep, blackest night, like 2:00 so technically morning. She broke up with that guy she's been seeing and she was a little upset. She's worrying she's forming a pattern. You know, meeting someone she's not especially attracted to, agreeing to go out with him, starting to like him and then, just when she feels there is the chance of a meaningful connection between them, getting damped. Yeah, not very nice. I think she's exaggerating a bit. I told her so but she just wouldn't listen! In the end she made me promise that I would find her some nice English guy to hook up with while she's here. Which is basically Lina's way of telling me I need to take her out and get her so drunk she'll have no memory of what happened that night and she can make up her own little story.

I feel so tired right now, I think I'll go to bed early tonight. I had to go to the range today for my weekly archery training and there were no buses so I walked. It's a good thing I'm not working tomorrow, I'm meeting Isa instead, we're going to the gym, which basically means I'll just keep running on the treadmill for an hour while fit people lift weights and do push-ups. All I know is that I need to drop a few sizes and I am, honest, it's just that I need to keep going.

I spoke with my parents today. I couldn't tell them that I've made my mind, that I'm staying here for good. I will eventually, I just was too tired today plus dad kept talking about transfering more money in my accounts and I've learnt not to interrupt him when he's in the giving mood. Yes, my family is bizarre, tell me something I don't know! Of course there's that sense of dread that keeps popping up now and again just to whisper that things are too good to be true and that it's just a matter of time before something goes wrong. I think I know what that might be. But, as I said yesterday, I'm taking care of it and if things go as planned I'll be just fine! Lina says I'm a robot but I always took that as a compliment. Not forming romantic attachments means you won't get hurt when they inevitably break. It's true that I don't get to experience lots of things other people do but I do get my peace of mind and a pain-free life. You'd think Lina would remember what happened the last time I let myself fall for someone but all she does is judge me. In any case, I'm not so eager to relive those feelings so yes, I like being a robot and I will fight to stay this way! I'm determined to keep telling that to myself until everything that contradicts it has been banished from my mind.

I truly hope you're feeling better. Lina says you do but I know better than that. I hope you both enjoy the heartbreak club and think about how you feel now next time you try to convince me love is something great! Now I'll just sign off, fall on my double bed, put my headphones on and listen to Ode to Joy while you guys eat your way out of the fridge in order to feel better. No, thank you!

Goodnight!
Evey     

Southampton - Chapter 10

Dear You,

I know this whole English experiment started as a self-imposed exile but truth be told, I never actually expected things to work this way. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining or anything, it's just that I still can't believe it. I remember how I was the first week I came here and I see how I am now and it feels so good because I really am happy! Now I can listen to all the sad, depressing songs I like without thinking they're talking about me! You can't tell me that's not amazing!

I'm still working on how I'm gonna tell my parents I'm not returning to Greece. I think mama suspects that already and that's the reason she's been trying to get me to go to Agrinio for the summer (not gonna happen!!). I don't get it, I mean I'm getting my inheritance so what's the point in arguing where I'm gonna stay and spend it? The way I see it is fairly simple: this place makes me happy. I want to be happy. So, I'll stay here and be happy! Ta da! Oh, and maybe find a job too. And finish and publish my book as well. Okay, there are a few things I want to do but I'm sure it will work out. If I stay I will be able to help Lina when she comes for her master's.

Of course I'm gonna have a hard time explaining why I want to stay. I can't tell them the truth, it's complicated and I would have to account for the lies of two years which does not sound very appealing. I fucking hate lies but I doubt they would have let me go if they knew the truth. Plus, Lina would get in so much trouble! She's been covering for me, I can't just expose her like that. Nope, I'm gonna have to find another way. If you were talking to me we would have skyped but you're still mad so no news from that front. It's okay, that just makes my job easier. The fewer the ties with this country, the easier for me to leave. My parents will be able to come whenever they want. I will have a glorious summer destination (not to mention the summer house) and a brand new life here. Sounds perfect. Besides, they all know I never belonged there in the first place.

Speaking of new lives, I made a decision. I'm meeting with Sharon and Isa on Wednesday. We're gonna discuss our drafts and have some lunch. Anyway, I've thought things over and I'm going to discuss what I've thought with Sharon because she resembles mama and mama always gave me the best advice on boy trouble. She certainly told me how to handle you when you thought you were in love with me and we worked things out, remember? Sharon is pretty nice, you would have liked her. I'm sure she'll help. I just know that unless I do something someone will get hurt and I really don't want that! I'm doing so well, I'm so happy, I absolutely love everything here! I need to sort this out. I'm gonna sign off now and go make some porridge. I'll fake-talk to you again soon.

Fake kisses
Evey

Southampton - Chapter 9

Dear You,

I bought the card for gramma. I sort of regretted what I wrote to her though but I think she'll just be grateful I remembered her. Mama will make a fuss (as usual) and I'll ignore her (as usual). It's so strange, Christmas without any of them. And I don't miss them at all. I love it! I just have so many things to do here, I've got my writing, the theatre, archery, friends...

Still no word from you. It's okay, I get it, I'd hate me too if the situation was reversed but come on! We've known each other since childhood, when have I ever been wrong about someone? You should have known better, it's not my fault you have poor judgement!

I listen to Garbage these days, which is an improvement considering my mp4 was stuck on God Help The Girl for three weeks. I'm not saying that listening to I Think I'm Paranoid, Why Do You Love Me and Cup of Coffee is especially encouraging but I'm an optimist and I'm determined to count it as improvement so shut it!

Just a couple of weeks till Lina arrives. Dad actually told me today that I shouldn't just take her out and have a good time, I should also study while she's here! Fat chance! As if she will leave me to study for five minutes! I think that six days is more than enough, I'll probably want to kill her by day three. Well, at least she's doing one good thing, she's bringing me my iPhone and a few other stuff I need.

Most of the people leave for the holidays. I'll stay here with a couple of other foreigners; Isa is staying and that engaged girl from Chille, Paola. I still can't believe she's engaged, she's twenty-eight years old. But you were planning to propose as well so I won't hold it against either of you. As far as I'm concerned, the situation hasn't changed though that friend of mine insists she has people she wants to fix me up with and I have no idea how long I can keep dodging her. You're so going to regret not speaking to me, you're missing the best stuff!

Anyway, I'm really tired, I woke up early for work today and then we went for Christmas lunch so I'll just sign off and wish you feel better and maybe send me an e-mail at the address I know Lina gave you. I'd like to think that our friendship can survive this fight and I really hope you feel the same.

Speak soon,
Evey

Southampton - Chapter 8

Dear You,

I woke up today and checked my phone and there was no message from you and then I remembered, you don't have my English number. Unless of course Lina has given it to you. We talked today but I forgot to ask her, we mostly talked about her upcoming trip here. Guess what: she's gonna take the bus to Southampton on her own! Yay! She said you met that morning for coffee. Don't worry, she didn't say anything else, which pretty much means you were in a bad shape and she didn't want to make me feel worse than I already do. Now, there's a fine example of how lies can be used to protect people! Why couldn't I be more like that, why do I have to say every single thing that pops into my head, no censorship, just out! Word vomit, that's a great expression to describe it!

Of course we both know Lina is rubbish at lying but I did appreaciate her trying to protect me, as usual, especially since she has problems of her own to deal with. I'm sure she hasn't told you about them but she has exams coming up, plus that boyfriend of hers makes her feel all jittery and I still don't know why. She says he's read a lot more things than she has (fyi that's not particularly hard) and sometimes he says something very smart and she feels like a complete idiot. I feel really sorry for her, this relationship sounds like a lot more pain than worth.

I think I'll ask her to give you my number but make it sound like it's her idea. Maybe you'll text me some angry incomprehensible message when you're drunk. Even an angry message sounds better than no message right now. I know you're not okay and you probably hate me for being right but I seriously doubt people hated Cassandra or Pythia for telling them what would happen and they foresaw things that are a lot worse than a failed relationship so you need to get over it.

As far as the other matter is concerned, to my horror, my feelings remain unchanged.This is a disaster. I keep listening to that stupid song God Help the Girl (the cover by Emily Browing, it's so much better!) and I feel it's been written for me! I mean, it's all there, come on! The madness, the boy, even the freaking insomnia! I could really use a friend right now, someone I can trust with this, someone like you. I can't talk to Immortality, she'll just make fun of me and I'm so not in the mood for that! Lina has her own boy crap, plus she'll also make fun of me. Kat is in Japan in those bio trials, so no way I'm gonna discuss such juvenile matters with her, she's become way too serious, she'll just give me that condescending look that reminds me of my father every time he opens a bill. Did I mention how much I hate you right now? I doubt I have any other people I can rely on so thanks for that!

I've got tons of drafts to read. Maybe that will help me forget him. I'm way too angry to write anything else. Did I mention eight is my favorite number? Well this chapter is pretty crappy so I'll just sign off and I hope you suffer, you selfish, stubborn jerk! I hate you!

I hate you!
Evey

Southampton - Chapter 7

Dear You,

This is one of those nights when I think that maybe I was wrong. Maybe if I had kept my fucking mouth shut, you'd be here with me now, or maybe you'd actually talk to me and I wouldn't have to write all these stupid, pathetic letters filling them with things I want to tell you but I can't because I'm too damn proud to actually be the first to call. And now I'm done pretending that everything with us is okay, that I can just text or we can just skype!

You called Lina yesterday. You called Lina. She told me about it. I don't know if you're too angry or too embarashed to call me, I guess being away from you for so long has impaired my ability to understand you. I just wish there was some way to let you know the truth and how much I miss you and how much I wish you'd just pick up the damn phone and call me or just call and say nothing, I don't care, I just need to know that you don't hate me completely. Your English are crap and you have no idea this blog exists so I guess I can write the things I'll never tell you here.

I am so sorry for what I said to you. I am so sorry for being the cold, soulless bitch you knew I was and yet ignored it because of who you are. I should have kept my mouth shut and just accept your choice, accept her, no matter what I thought of her, even though the moment I laid eyes on her I knew she'd hurt you. Maybe then you wouldn't be alone once it happened. And now it has and I'm here and you're there and I know you have Lina but let's be honest, what the fuck is she gonna do, paint you something?

There, I said it, happy now? Of course I'll never, ever say any of that stuff to you. Sorry is not in my vocabulary you know that better than anyone. I'll tell you what your old, pre-disaster friend would say: I fucking told you so and I'm always right. Maybe that's why you don't call, you know me too well.

I guess maybe I shouldn't get all high and mighty about your choice of girl. It's really distracting and I really can't afford it right now. I think about him a lot more than I should and it's a complete waste of time because nothing can happen and sometimes I really don't understand myself. I should really stop, stop thinking about anything that has to do with that area. You're a really crappy friend, you know that? I hate you! You always gave me the best advice and now that I need you you're in mourning for a skank who never deserved you in the first place and you're punishing me because I told you the truth! It's so fucking unfair and you can call me a child all you want the truth is it's not my fault!

I'm actually missing my mean girl days, I treated people like crap but I somehow had the illusion that everybody adored me and never gave two shits about them. Why, oh why did I develop a conscience? I just know that I can't keep doing this. I think I should talk to someone about it. Lina can't even help herself, let alone me. Maybe someone more experienced, like Sharon. I don't know I'll think about it. I should also stop eating muffins. Sugar can't change the way I feel about him but it can change my size and I'm supposed to be losing weight not gaining. Anyway I started going to the gym again so I think I'll be okay and when I find a way for these feelings to go away I'll be a lot better because there is really no point in thinking about something that can never happen. It's a shame you're not speaking to me. You would have loved this.

I have to try to sleep now. I had a really long day, I went to the gym, then I met Asgeir and Isa (after taking a bath), then we went to a Creative Industries event and met a bunch of people and had a drink (drinks were free btw, you would have loved this, too!) and then I got home and started writing. So now I'm done and I really hope I wake up tomorrow with a text from you. I guess I'll probably won't but hey! Hope dies last!

Burn after reading,
Evey

Southampton - Chapter 6

Dear You,

Last night I dreamt of summer. The weather is really awful here, I think I miss the heat more than I thought. I was on a beach, one of these beaches that seem to go on forever and I was walking on the sand, the sea retracting then extending over and over again, but never touching my feet. The sun was in that perfect place, just before it connects with the water, my favorite place, when mama would start calling for us to hurry up and get out before we catch a cold and we would ignore her because we really didn't want to leave.

I'm seriously considering Ithaca for summer vacation. What do you think? I haven't been there since I was four years old and the only thing I remember is stealing slices of watermelon from people, then hiding in the caves and eating them. I really liked watermelon.

It's times like these I wish you listened. Lina is coming in a few days, we spoke yesterday night, she's really excited. I wish I could talk to her, like really talk to her but I don't know if I can and I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to hear what I have to say. I forgot to tell you, she's in a relationship now. Thank god she didn't change her fb relationship status, that's so tacky! Apparently, he's a nice guy (they all seem nice in the beginning) but she just expects the worst from people because she had ONE crappy relationship! Then what the hell am I suposed to say? She's such a drama queen and as much as I love her she makes me wanna reach inside the screen and slap her! She gives up too easily if you want my opinion.

Anyway, Ithaca. I wish I could tell you about it. We still have a long way to go till the summer but I like knowing where I'm standing. Isabel will probably come to Greece in the summer, I don't know about any other people though I wished they considered it and I wish you could too.

I have to go Isabel is waiting for me. I have to stop by the uni and then we'll go for a coffee. And I need to buy the damn card for gramma. One of these days, I'll tell you about these letters.

Burn after reading,
Evey 

Southampton - Chapter 5

Dear You,

I did okay today. I didn't say anything mean to anyone, I didn't cry, overall I behaved pretty well, honest. I was in pain though and there was this terrible image stuck in my head that my brain was pushing the inner side of my skull until it cracked and then gray matter started pouring down my cheeks. Like I said, disgusting. Isa kept smiling at me and asking me if I was okay. I counted five times. I think I freaked her out a bit. Sharon tried to hug me when we saw each other first but I was in no mood for hugging so she got the message. She's pretty good, I must say. I thought I managed the whole pain thing pretty good but somehow Jack figured it out and he's a guy, which pretty much means that if he noticed, everyone noticed because no offence but boys don't tend to pay so much attention. I was kind of hoping to get away with it quietly but since that clearly went awry I sort of switched to plan b.

Oh, yeah, we had to comment on my story. I was sort of disoriented but I heard pretty good stuff. They handed me all their observations but they really liked it and that really made me feel much better. I know that if you were here you would have pulled the whole don't-underestimate-yourself-speech but isn't that what we always do? I mean, I get that a lot from you when you talk about your work and it's such a shame because you really are great. As I said before Lina is coming on the 27th but I wish you could come with us. After a couple of days I'll probably start thinking of creative ways to murder her so I kinda wish I had better company, you know, as a distraction.

The first gifts I ordered arrived today. Isa's socks are here and they're adorable, I'm sure she'll love them, I know I did. I mean, come on, they're xmas socks, one pair has penguins and the other one trees! I haven't been this excited for socks for a long time now! Now I just have to get Sue to help me wrap them and I'll be okay.

I can't think of anything else to write to you now. I'm seriously considering Ithaca for summer vacations. Maybe you can come. I do miss the heat; I feel like my toes and fingers are permanently frozen. My cold is wearing off though so I guess that's good. I'll write to you again tomorrow. I'm kind of getting used to our one-sided-conversation-routine.

Burn after reading,
Evey

Southampton - Chapter 4

Dear You,

I've been trying to read four drafts since midday. It was pretty bad, it practically knocked me dead, I was unconscious for hours. I have no idea what time it happened but I opened my eyes and it was 14:00 and I remember staring at my cell and I just couldn't believe it. It's sad that the only way I can get some decent sleep is after a seizure.

Back to the drafts, I managed to read three of them and hopefully, by tomorrow, I'll have read the fourth one too. They're for my children's lit class and we're supposed to talk about them tomorrow. I'm not sure I'll be in a very talkative mood though. I'll probably end up saying something nasty or inappropriate to someone I really like or maybe I'll start crying or laughing for absolutely no reason, it's hard to tell, everything is different after a seizure but one thing remains: for a couple of days I'm pretty unstable. I dread the moment Asgeir will open his mouth to critique my work. He's usually the one who is tougher on us but this time I won't have any self-control and things can get pretty ugly when I'm in such a state. I remember telling Immortality some pretty nasty stuff after seizures. I basically told her she's a pretentious moron, that her boyfriend of four (!) years has the IQ of the fish he studies (he's a fisherman, or something like that, I'm not sure, I don't tend to learn things about stupid people) and that she shouldn't bitch about not being taken seriously given the fact that everything she does kind of nudges people towards that direction. I also told my sister that she's a pathetic pushover, I called my dad an ignorant chauvinist and I told mama she should quit telling me I'm promiscuous since she got knocked up with me after knowing my dad for six months. You haven't seen me after a seizure yet and I wish you never had to. It's not pretty. But anyway, you get the picture.

The stories were pretty good. Isabel made great progress with hers, it's much improved, both in terms of plot and language. Asgeir's story is very close to my heart (a girl who doesn't sleep - who knew!) but it sort of bored me; I don't know, maybe I was too tired, I can't tell. James writes about the sea and his story was so funny, I loved it! Kate's story has great potential, it could turn into a great book but it was rather more adult and serious that I would have liked. I can't compare any of these stories to mine, they're radically different so I'll just wait for the comments tomorrow.

I spent the entire day in silence. I didn't talk to anyone, I didn't listen to anything, other than my laptop's humming. It was so quiet, at one point I could hear my diet coke's bubbles bursting through the surface of the drink. I think it was good because that headache is barely tolerable without the voices. We'll see how I'll cope tomorrow. I just don't want to be mean to people but it's not like I have any control over it. Maybe I should talk to them. Isa and Sharon were really worried because I told them what happened. They texted me but I didn't feel like texting much. People probably think I'm sick. I can't believe I broke the bed though. I really need to get it fixed. It makes for such a lame story and one I really don't want to tell. Lina is coming on the 27th and the bed must be okay by then.

I think I'll stop writing here. Maybe I should have called you and told you what happened but even the quiet was loud today. Nevertheless, I really missed you, talk or no talk.

Burn after reading,
Evey

Southampton - Chapter 3

Dear You,

I realised something today. I know this is going to make me sound horrible but I'm sure you know me well enough to understand that I was never a nice person. My sister is coming on the 27th of December. She's going to spend New Year's with me, here and she's very, very excited. I don't want her to come. I think I've known this for a while now and I don't know why it surfaced today. Maybe it was because we hadn't spoken in a week and I checked the messages I sent her on facebook regarding my new iPhone (she's supposed to bring it with her) and she still hadn't read them and I hated her for not being able to do one simple thing I asked of her. 

I don't want her to come because she's going to bring everything I left behind with her. The first couple of weeks I missed her terribly, now I don't even think about her. No, that's wrong; I think how much time and energy I'm going to waste on her since she's not even capable to take a simple bus from Heathrow to Southampton. She's almost 22 for fuck's sake! I'm so angry these days. It must be the cold, I feel really terrible and I have class tomorrow. I have a life here now and I don't want anyone or anything disturbing that. Actually, I've started thinking I should re-evaluate our entire relationship. That idea that has been stuck in my head for a while now, that she saved me, is completely wrong. For the past couple of years, she's been treating me like I was some child that needed to be taught right from wrong because apparently my whole moral system was compromised. The only thing she's done ever since the incident is patronize me and I just stood there and took it because I knew I deserved to be talked down because I had acted like an idiot when I knew I wasn't. But this era is over now and I clearly don't need other people so why the hell do I still cling to the idea that she saved me? What actually saved me is applying to universities here, in England, and leaving that ugly place behind, starting over, that's what saved me.

Of course you would have said that I'm not a bad person, that maybe I've villainized myself to feel better and maybe you're right because I do feel better because everyone in the family knows the truth and they all speak it behind my siblings' backs: I may be volatile, temperamental and impossible to cope with but I am the one they never doubted when it came to success. Lina has a big heart but when it comes to actually coping with others she has no idea. I'm not saying she's dull, well, maybe a little because she never reads, she's more interested in going out with her uni friends who have a terrible taste in music, but her social skills are terrible. I won't even touch Christopher, he's a completely different species and we have no relationship so I don't care about him.

Now I'm really starting to worry about myself, I thought the mean girl in me had perished but apparently she's alive and kicking. I don't know whether that's a good or a bad thing. If this was an actually correspondence maybe you could have told me, though I know better than to trust you. The last time I trusted you didn't end so well, remember? Well, maybe after I sign off I'll text you just to say good-night. Then again, maybe not. I think you've figured out by now that I'm nothing if not changeable. 

Burn after reading,

Evey

Southampton - Chapter 2

Dear You,

It's so bad I keep fantasizing about shooting my leg so that I can distract myself. Okay, maybe that was a bit harsh. Besides, I'm well taken care of. Sue made me some soup. I have no idea how it tasted because taste and smell were the first to go but I smiled and said thank you because she really didn't have to do that for me and she's very nice and didn't care that last night I ate two cookies and two muffins from her personal supply. I couldn't sleep because my nose was blocked so I stayed up all night watching bad Twilight movies and eating crap. I've met someone here who can sympathize with that. You would have liked him, he's a lot like you; maybe that's why I like him so much. He actually came to my archery competition even though it was at 10 in the morning. He says it's no big deal but I really appreciated it. My dad didn't even come to my university graduation ceremony, let alone any competition I ever participated in. I didn't win anything but the prize was candy so I can't say I missed much. And yes I was wearing mom's fleur-de-lis medallion, I wear it all the time, but that thing only works on others. My sister won the bronze wearing it when her handball team was competing, the Broken Glass did well in his exams carrying it and Immortality got her teaching job (even though she had absolutely no experience in the field) when I lent it to her. It doesn't matter, I'm sure I'll get many chances to compete for something real.

I'm afraid to report insomnia is still a bitch. I wish you were here. I don't know why but there are certain people whose voice helps me sleep and yes, it's as creepy as it sounds but I think we've stopped making lists of things that make me weird (or special, as my sister puts it nicely; that girl is too nice for her own good!). These days I mostly listen to the radio but it's definitely not the same.

Since I couldn't sleep last night I did the next best thing: shop! You know how excited I get over xmas and I haven't been this excited for at least two years now, so I went online and bought presents for all my friends. I bought one for you too but I don't know if I'll give it to you. You know me, mercurial as ever, I'll probably change my mind a hundred times before I actually commit to a decision. I have to buy a card for nana as well. Mama wants me to send her something because it's her nameday in a couple of weeks. I'm terrible at writing cards, I'll probably end up writing something like "Don't worry, I'm glad I'm here and not there". I just re-read this last sentence and it actually sounds pretty good. She just wants to know I'm okay and that about sums it up. I'll send the card on Monday.

I hope I get over the cold soon though. I really can't afford to prolong this and if I get a seizure then I'll probably spend a couple of days lying on my back, seeing things. Last time, I was seeing colours for two days and I had to go to uni, which only made things worse. I won't pretend it wasn't interesting, seeing everybody's colours, some of them are really lovely. It must have something to do with the pitch of their voice, I can't think of anything else. High pitched noises are usually yellow, lower ones blue, but I don't actually get to see them unless someone speaks really loud. Now that I think about it, it would be interesting to go to a concert while I can see the sounds. It feels good talking to you about that stuff. I know you'd understand because I know you have tons of issues too. I wish someone would tell me why do the most interesting people come with so much baggage? I'm really tired now so I'll just sign off. I don't know where you are right now but I hope you're having a good time. Even if you don't know it, you are helping me. Thank you for that.

Burn after reading,
Evey

Southampton - Chapter 1

Dear You,

I guess this is a letter because for reasons I'll never understand I feel I can tell you anything and you won't judge. Nobody reads this blog and you don't even know it exists, so I can write whatever I want and never fucking care so I decided to turn this into an experiment. Sure, it's going to be on the net but I don't think I mind if a person or two read it; besides it's a great way to keep track of my progress and right now I've got a massive cold and one hell of a headache so I need a distraction. Anyway enough of my ramblings, let's get to the good stuff.

I've been living in Southampton since the 17th of September. Since none of the people actually involved in my life will read this I think I can say it: I don't miss anything or anyone from home. I know I'm a soulless bitch. Okay, maybe I miss a tiny, little bit the Royal Company. I was going to use their names since one of them doesn't speak English and the other two don't know this blog exists but I think introducing them and writing about them with their nicknames is more fun, so here we go: I think the one I miss most is the Broken Glass. He's such a cynic, so blunt that if you don't know him you'd think he's an asshole. Which he is of course, but not when he comes to his friends. He's basically my brother. I don't think my real brother cares about me as much as the Broken Glass does. Next, there's Kat. Kat is weird. I don't think I can describe her in any other terms, she's a freaking enigma. She never talks about her personal life but she lets everyone else blab all they want about theirs; she's been doing that since kindergarden, which was where we met. She's an excellent listener, she was always the one I turned to with all my drama. I don't think she ever actually had a boyfriend and I don't know why, she's such an amazing person! Finally, there's Immortality. I could write for hours and hours and I still wouldn't cover this. She's crazy. She's the most volatile person I've ever met, she reads philosophy in the bathroom and every time we go out I always return home with a headache and it's not because of the booze. She talks ALL THE TIME!!!! But she's patient as a donkey and no matter how much crap I give her, she'll always ask for more. So that's the Royal Company. You've never met them and you never will. It's sort of a nickname I picked for us when we were kids but that's a long story for another time. Let's move on to NOW.

Well, right now I have a cold and it's fucking annoying. This week, people are going to talk about the first chapter of my book at my children's lit class so I'm kind of nervous. I mean, yes there are like 9, 10 of us in the course and they are all good but there are a couple of people whose writing I absolutely adore. I wonder if they know how good they are or if they are more like me. I wish I could be more like them. I have made great progress since I came here and someone told me I shouldn't make myself small because I'm good. That really made my day. I don't even have to pretend I'm happy anymore. It hit me a few days ago and I wished I could tell somebody about it but they don't even know why I was so sad in the first place. That would have been an awkward conversation. I prefer to think I was sad because at least that's an emotion and emotions are good, even the most painful ones. But I'm okay now, honest, I even went on a date a few weeks back. I don't think awkward begins to cover it. I know you'd have loved it if you were there. This is the last time I let anyone fix me up with a friend of theirs. The guy didn't even know what an MA in Creative Writing is but he's Greek so I guess stupidity should have been anticipated. It got so bad he actually complimented my socks. I was wearing a skirt with over-the-knee socks because I was very cold that day. He said he liked them and asked me where I bought them. I think he did that to justify the fact that the entire time we were there he was staring at my legs. At one point I started wondering whether he had x-ray vision and he was trying to see my panties through the skirt. I got so caught up in that thought, I couldn't even remember which underwear I was wearing and that really worried me and then he popped the sock question. I wanted to ask if he wished to buy some for himself but I was so tired I just told him where I bought them. I stayed for like five more minutes (which in bad date terms is pretty freaking long) then made the usual I-need-to-study-excuse and left. At least he paid for my coffee.

Which brings us to the next thing I need to say: Coffee in this country SUCKS! There I said it, now I feel better. But anyway I just wrote about the date thing because it actually hit me later that it's entirely possible that would be my last date with a Greek person and I felt really sad about it. My first love was from Greece and sure he treated me like crap and yes I was never particularly nice to him either and right now he's in Munich, probably with some blond skank but he remains, to this day, the longest relationship I've had. Which is pretty depressing because it was six months and we didn't have sex.

I think I should stop writing now. I'll try to do it every day but I make no promises. I feel better though so I guess it worked. I just have to say a couple of things before I close.

I wish I was a braver person. I know everyone who's ever met me thinks I'm brave because I don't hesitate I just do things no matter how scary they are but it's not true. All I've ever done in my life is run and I'm good at it and it feels great to leave your problems behind because then you can just pretend they don't exist and be fine with it. That being said, I'm glad I lied to everyone and I'm glad I lied to you. Well, technically it's lying by omission but anyway. I just know that if you show people weakness they're going to treat you as weak and I don't want anyone to see me like this. My insomnia persists by the way. I'll tell you more about it tomorrow, now I'm just gonna sign off and go make another cup of tea. It felt good talking to you, even though you weren't listening. It's been such a long time.

Burn after reading,
Evey