Dear You,
I realised something today. I know this is going to make me sound horrible but I'm sure you know me well enough to understand that I was never a nice person. My sister is coming on the 27th of December. She's going to spend New Year's with me, here and she's very, very excited. I don't want her to come. I think I've known this for a while now and I don't know why it surfaced today. Maybe it was because we hadn't spoken in a week and I checked the messages I sent her on facebook regarding my new iPhone (she's supposed to bring it with her) and she still hadn't read them and I hated her for not being able to do one simple thing I asked of her.
I don't want her to come because she's going to bring everything I left behind with her. The first couple of weeks I missed her terribly, now I don't even think about her. No, that's wrong; I think how much time and energy I'm going to waste on her since she's not even capable to take a simple bus from Heathrow to Southampton. She's almost 22 for fuck's sake! I'm so angry these days. It must be the cold, I feel really terrible and I have class tomorrow. I have a life here now and I don't want anyone or anything disturbing that. Actually, I've started thinking I should re-evaluate our entire relationship. That idea that has been stuck in my head for a while now, that she saved me, is completely wrong. For the past couple of years, she's been treating me like I was some child that needed to be taught right from wrong because apparently my whole moral system was compromised. The only thing she's done ever since the incident is patronize me and I just stood there and took it because I knew I deserved to be talked down because I had acted like an idiot when I knew I wasn't. But this era is over now and I clearly don't need other people so why the hell do I still cling to the idea that she saved me? What actually saved me is applying to universities here, in England, and leaving that ugly place behind, starting over, that's what saved me.
Of course you would have said that I'm not a bad person, that maybe I've villainized myself to feel better and maybe you're right because I do feel better because everyone in the family knows the truth and they all speak it behind my siblings' backs: I may be volatile, temperamental and impossible to cope with but I am the one they never doubted when it came to success. Lina has a big heart but when it comes to actually coping with others she has no idea. I'm not saying she's dull, well, maybe a little because she never reads, she's more interested in going out with her uni friends who have a terrible taste in music, but her social skills are terrible. I won't even touch Christopher, he's a completely different species and we have no relationship so I don't care about him.
Now I'm really starting to worry about myself, I thought the mean girl in me had perished but apparently she's alive and kicking. I don't know whether that's a good or a bad thing. If this was an actually correspondence maybe you could have told me, though I know better than to trust you. The last time I trusted you didn't end so well, remember? Well, maybe after I sign off I'll text you just to say good-night. Then again, maybe not. I think you've figured out by now that I'm nothing if not changeable.
Burn after reading,
Evey
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