Southampton - Chapter 22

I thought it was about time I wrote a chapter just for me, no You, no nothing. I also thought it was about time I listed my fears, especially with the return luming over me this week. I've been told that if you actually name what you fear and why you fear it that can help you win your battle. My problem is that I quite favor denial which pretty much means ignoring the problem until you can't. Anyway, here goes, the list of my monsters.

i. Country. I'm scared that the moment I set foot on familiar ground everything bad I've left behind will return. This scares the shit out of me, mostly because I've come this far and I'm doing so well. I think it's mostly psychological: lots of bad stuff happened to me there, it's only natural.

ii. The seizures. Now, this is an oldie but a goodie. I know I say it's okay, that I've accepted and incorporated them to my lifestyle but that doesn't mean they don't hurt.

iii. You. Yes, you, you fucking asshole. You're my friend and I will see you but you have no idea how I am now and you always put me on a pedestal. I'm so tired of this game of hide and seek. I just want this to be over. I'm sorry, I just don't give a crap anymore.

iv. Parents. Or, let's generalise it: Family. Why? Do I even have to spell it out? Okay, then, I will. Some are good (mama), some are bad (you know who you are), some are scary as fuck (dad) and some are plain creepy (I really can't talk about them). I know they love me and in my own way I love them too but I just can't deal with them right now.

v. Emotions. Now, this is a tricky one. I know that during those two years of depression I couldn't feel anything and I went to really extreme lenghts to feel something but now, I'm basically being bombarded with emotions, things I haven't felt for a long, long, long time and I'm not sure whether that's a good or a bad thing. Which pretty much leads us to the next one.

vi. Pain. Not talking about physical pain here, I'm just fine, I'm talking about emotional pain. Which is exactly what will happen if I'm not careful. What is wrong with me? I used to rule in that game. Now, I think I suck! If that's not a tragedy I don't know what is.

vii. The second coming. Oh, yes, it was about time I came to that. One of the most important, if not the capital one, and the one I really, really didn't want to talk about. That sneaky feeling that this period of my life is just the intermission and the darkness will return shortly and then everything I've built will disappear and I'll be left wondering what happened and feeling nothing. And then how long till the good, old habits kick in? I don't want any more scars and I definitely don't want my emotions to disappear again. I wish I could just hit pause and let every day here last an eternity.

I can't think of anything else right now, plus, it's pretty damn late, I just want to say one thing, like a small, small wish and hope that someone out there will listen because I've lost two years of my life and I deserve this: I have my birthday in a couple of weeks and I want it to be the BEST BIRTHDAY EVER.

Thank you,
Evey

Southampton - Chapter 21

Dear You,

I know I'm going to see you in a few days but I think it's become clear by now that the things I write here are things I'll never tell you. This is so sad. I used to think you were the one friend I would never lie to. Why did you have to go and fuck up everything? Of course I blame you, isn't that what I always do, blame others and shed responsibility? But let's be serious: we both lied. The difference is that I lied to protect you. Okay, maybe I was trying to protect myself in the process but can you really blame me? I'm so glad you never saw me when things were really bad. Thank god for texts and facebook messages! So, what would you say to me if you knew the truth? You'd ask if I'm okay now. You'd tell me I'm an idiot. You'd demand to know if I still do the things I did back then. Here's my answers: Yes. I know. No. These days it's just the scars that remind me what I did. Everything else seems so far back I don't even recall the little things that mattered so much then.

Okay, enough depressing shit, I already feel like crap because I have to go back. I need to write down the good stuff. Besides, support meetings open again on the 27th and until then the blog is all I have. So, we had the Glass Canyons gig yesterday. That's the name of Jack's band; if we were speaking directly you'd probably make some kind of stupid joke about the name but this is a monologue so you don't get a voice, which is pretty awesome because you can be pretty fucking annoying! Anyway, we went to the Hobbit (that's the name of the pub); it was just James, Asgeir and I. We had a great time, I loved the songs, the sound was so much better, plus Jack had actually washed his hair for that one! I think I got a little bit drunk. I got all high and mighty about English vodka and how it's nothing compared to the vodka in eastern europe and I downed my drinks way too quickly. I don't think they agreed very much with my meds because after a while the room grew warmer and everything turned brighter and I was laughing at practically everything, even if something wasn't funny. It was pretty fucking awesome! And then Asgeir started dancing and I had a pretty good reason to laugh. I don't remember telling him that but I'm definitely saying something on Tuesday. It was disturbing and hilarious at the same time. I'm definitely making him do it on my birthday! Then the gig was over and I went out but there was no bus. Jack found me trying to make sense of the bus schedule and we walked back all the way to his house where I stayed for the night because I literally felt my hands were going to fall if I stayed a minute longer outside. I had a really good time watching him try to inflate an air mattress for me and then I slept like a log.

I woke up at like 10:30 in the morning. We went at Costa for breakfast. I know you and I know you'd probably not like him but your opinion doesn't count the way it used to. I like him. A lot. He makes me feel good about myself. He's kind and polite, and so, so talented. I don't think he even realises how good he is at what he does.

What is there to say, other than I will see you next week? I'll smile and you'll barely recognize me, you'll probably be disappointed in my less than perfect appearance and I will most certainly not give a fuck about what you think.

Evey

P.S. Lina met a guy. He's a bartender, very handsome and he's got a tattoo. I pray to whoever is out there that she finally gets laid!!

Southampton - Chapter 20

Dear You,

I'm scared. No, scratch that, I'm terrified. I wish I could talk to a version of yourself that isn't an asshole. I don't know if that happens with everyone or if it's just me but when you return home you feel like a child again. I'm not overly excited about that. There is a way I can get out of this trip but it involves telling the truth to lots of people and that means my perfect house of cards is just going to collapse. Plus, it's not just me, it's also Lina that I have to think of. So, here's what I'm gonna do: I'm gonna be cool and calm like I always am and hold it together. It's just a couple of days. I'm gonna be fine. I wish there was an actual person that I could talk to about that stuff and then I wouldn't have to talk to you but there isn't and there can't be. I wish I was seventeen again because seven years ago I wasn't damaged and I still had that romantic notion that I would find the love of my life out there and live happily ever after with him. I still can't believe I used to be like that. I'm surprised I didn't also believe in Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy. I don't know if I should laugh or cry right now.

You always told me that no one would ever be good enough for me but I know that you said that because you loved me. Maybe you lied about that too. I know how boys your age are and, let's be frank, I was your only girl friend. I wish I could have loved you like that, it would have solved all my problems. But then what? Would I have stayed in Agrinio? No, on second thought, that would have been a terrible match.

I need to talk to Lina. She's been having the time of her life teasing me but this needs to stop. I never thought it would last this long but I was thinking about the me before the black hole years (cool name huh? I thought it was about time I invented one). I sort of miss her she was pretty awesome in compartmentalisation and I'm just stumbling. And I just realised I'm talking about myself in third person. I'll just stop now. Really though, theoretically, what would I have to do to become the person I used to be? I'm not saying get everything back; there are some parts of myself I'm thankful they've changed. Maybe that no feelings aspect that worked really well until I woke up from those two damn years. Seriously, I feel like I've been sleeping and I woke up in September and came here.

I already told you I'm scared and it's not just the going home thing. Sharon said I'm way too young to give up on relationships. We used to joke with Thana and say we'd both end up old and alone in a house full of cats. I'm seriously depressed now and I shouldn't be. It's just that he looked at me today and smiled and I realised how wrong this is and how exposed I've allowed myself to become. I'm not seventeen anymore. I know better. Lina said I should be happy that I can feel again but she's wrong; I'm not happy, this situation can seriously hurt me. At least our classes started again and I can see all my friends again. I had a couple of hours before the theatre. It was really nice and funny, as always and I'd really missed everyone. Anyway, I think I've said more than enough, especially considering i'm not in the mood. I'll write again tomorrow.

Evey

Southampton - Chapter 19

Dear You,

No, now that I think about it, not so dear! You fucking liar, you fucking asshole! You were the one who taught me that whole no-lies-among-friends mentality, so how did you imagine I would feel when I found out the truth? Or did you just hope I wouldn't? How stupid do you think I am? We've known each other since we were kids did you really think that I wouldn't find out? Let's face it, you're not nearly as bright as you think you are and that's a fact, because if you were why the fuck would you do what you do? Gosh, I haven't been that mad in ages! I'll tell you what though, it feels really good getting it all out!

Of course I'm not going to say anything. Of course I'm going to play it all cool and fine because I know that yelling at you isn't gonna do me much good. So, here's what I'm gonna do: I'm coming home because I made a promise and I always keep my promises but it's for a specific reason, not for you. So, I'm not coming to see you. I'm done dealing with other people's crap I have my own crap to deal with and I hate the fact that our relationship has mutated into something I can't even define anymore. This is not us; we used to tell each other everything, what the fuck happened? Is this the grown-up us? If that's it then I don't ever, ever wanna grow up!

Like I said, you taught me we don't lie to friends, we don't manipulate friends because friends are not family, the bonds we form with them depend on mutual trust and respect. You told me that at a time when people's feelings were the least of my worries but you made me better because you forced me to understand that those who genuinely cared about me (no matter how nasty or abusive I was to them) would not stay there forever. So, what am I suppose to say to you now? I've lived by your words, I never played any of you guys. I did it with family but then again manipulation and backstabbing is daily business with them. You were right, friends are important because no one guarantees they'll be there forever. So tell me now: what am I supposed to do with you?

I lied to you once. I've convinced myself that it doesn't count because I lied to everyone about it but that's not exactly true is it? I don't regret it, I'm glad I did it because otherwise who knows where I'd be now. Parents do tend to get a bit dramatic. Besides, the whole thing fixed itself: I'm now in England and I've put that whole part of my life behind me. I would say no harm done, except that's not true either and I have the scars to prove it.

I'm not coming back to Greece. I will keep writing to you because it helps me and because they told me I should put everything I can't say here. They were right, even though I didn't expect them to be. I guess it's easier to talk about the things that matter in my life to someone I know. That might not make much sense: I still love you, I just don't like you anymore.

Evey

p.s. That goes for Asgeir: please stop reading my crap!!

Southampton - Chapter 19 prelude

Dear You,

I knew you were stupid. I didn't know you were that stupid. That's all I'm gonna say tonight because I'm way too mad and tired right now.

Bye,

Evey

Southampton - Chapter 18

Dear You,

This sense of freedom is really odd. It's not exactly freedom, no, because the results come out on the 5th of February (yes, on my birthday, very funny, haha) so I'll have to wait a whole fucking month before I can breathe. Gosh, I need to go out for a drink! Maybe on a date. That sounds nice. I'm currently stuck in my attic listening to "Let it go", singing really, really bad. Oh, well, I'm going to Sharon's tomorrow, that's always fun.

I talked with mama, she said it's actually colder in Greece than here in England. I'm thinking of going back to vote but then again there are so many things I left behind that I want to avoid. I wish I was a more decisive person but I'm afraid that's me, mercurial and changeable as hell! I know some distance would do me good but we'll see, that's all I can say.

There are times I'm glad you can't read the things I'm writing; then again there are those times when I feel so alone. It's tragic how blind I'd been before that little incident. I never wanted to name it. I guess once you name something it becomes real and I didn't want that. But I love the way people look at me here. Coming in this place was the best decision I've ever made. It's just that, I can't afford to fuck this up, not this time. I'm running out of countries I can hide.

Next month is my birthday and I'm so excited! I haven't had a proper birthday in two years now! I am though having one this year and it's going to be AMAZING! I'm sure of it because this last few months have been amazing and my xmas holidays were great and this place and these people have really helped. I understand I can't undo what I've done but that doesn't mean I can't move on.

Yesterday I was writing this critical commentary for my Art and Craft of Fiction class. It was about my story Alexithymia and I was wondering whether I should put in the commentary the real reason behind the story. I sort of kind of did and then I started thinking how long I can keep avoiding the relationship factor in my life. It's just that relationships are such a commitment and in my case there are so many things I need to explain and I really hate explanations. How can I tell someone I want to sleep alone because every time i close my eyes I know there's always the possibility of a seizure in the early morning hours? I hate the way people look at me when I say I have epilepsy. You can imagine how much I'd hate it if someone I cared about actually saw me have a seizure. Only Lina and my parents have seen that and I could tell it's not pretty. How can I explain the scars all over my body? They're still there, i check every day now. They look better but still they're there. Maybe I'll be okay enough to go swimming this summer. I certainly hope so.

Anyway, with the assignments out of the picture I'm free to go back to the things I love in this country: working at the theatre, archery and, my new revelation: gingerbread lattes!!! I told you I'm going to Sharon's tomorrow. I'll go and have a bath now and not think about him because I'm awesome and I know better. I'll talk about it with Sharon tomorrow. Kisses for now and I'll let you know if something weird comes up.

xx
Evey

p.s. A couple of facebook friends got engaged today, what is wrong with the world???

Southampton - Chapter 17

Dear You,

Tonight I wanna talk about the games. I know I promised to stop but you don't know that, just like you don't know what happened that made me swear I'd give them up. You spent years watching me play them and you never said a thing. I guess it had to be this way; it was after all a birthday wish, a rare moment of clarity when I realised I spent every waking moment playing them, and we both know my birthday wishes always come through. I asked to get better. But there's always a catch, so I had to see myself through the eyes of others and I had to almost die in order to start over. Okay, that was a tad dramatic but you know me, ever the drama queen. I wish I could tell you that story but then I think how you'd react and I stop. Anyway, back to the games.

Lina came here. You know that, I told you when you texted me one of those sad depressing messages that'd been driving me mad these days. We went out for gingerbread lattes. It was strange to speak in Greek out in the open after so much time. I love talking boys with her, she's so different from me, it's bloody brilliant. And suddenly she said it. She said I looked happy. She said I looked so much better, more polite, less angry, she said I'd grown, I'd matured, I was becoming a better person. I just stared at her and said nothing. Now the old me would have smiled and said "thank you sis" because it's such a fucking lie. It's true I rarely do it but still, manipulation used to be daily routine and I do miss it. I haven't entirely given it up. I made Lina come to Southampton on her own; she still thinks it was her idea, poor thing. Mama gave up on her plan to visit; dad has no idea how that happened and she thinks it was Lina who objected. Once you know people it's incredible the things you can make them do if you know which buttons to press. I once made a promise to you never to play my tricks on friends and family but it's so fucking tempting! Plus, you can't really blame me for searching for something familiar once in a while. I promise I haven't used my gifts on anyone else; besides, I'm just figuring them out.

Sharon figured me out pretty quickly. I did not like that but then I thought things over and I believe that's because we're so much alike. She said I'm mercurial and it's true. She said I've got a femme fatale vibe. I used to have that, I'm not sure I do anymore, not in this body.

I wasn't always like that. You know that better than anyone. I used to be a romantic but then I met Arthur and we both know how that story ended. Quite a cliche now that I think about it. Girl meets boy. Girl falls in love. It's all rainbows and unicorns and pink shit. Boy breaks girl's heart. Girl obsesses over what happened. She's a sharp one so she figures it out soon enough: Love is unpredictable and when it comes to relationships there are two people involved and one will always love the other one more. So what do you do with a game you can never win? The answer is rather simple: you don't play it. You replace it with one you know you can win. I was eighteen when I had that epiphany and that's all I've done ever since because I knew the pain was just not worth it. Even my dad could tell how much it hurt, how difficult that first month was. That was the only time he ever commented on my relationships. He told me some people are not worth it but he was wrong. It's the concept that's not worth it.

Lina is very proud. She said it was about time I started feeling things again. She said that's what's normal for people and that she's glad I'm no longer a robot but I hate it and I loved being a robot. It was my thing, feeling nothing and pointing at people who felt and laugh at them. I had a chance to have sex on New Year's and I didn't because I couldn't stop thinking of him and what he was doing and whether he was thinking of me. He probably wasn't and I feel like such an idiot.

I haven't been swimming two years now. I stood before the mirror earlier today and forced myself to look. I regret to inform you they're still there. I don't think they'll ever go away.

I will say something and it's gonna sound horrible. I think the only reason Lina says I'm better this way is because I used to look so much better than her and she wants me to stay this way forever. I think of this quite often. I don't know why. Sometimes I scare myself. I felt so much better when she was here and now that she's gone I hate her again. Sometimes I wish I was normal.

I wish I could tell you about him. Better yet, I wish you could meet him but you're trapped in your own drama and there are lots of plane tickets involved. Don't think for a second that just because I complain about you I don't love you. When you've given up on loving a boyfriend your friends are the only people left. Now I may not have as many as I once thought but I love them fiercely. We will see each other again. I will be there for the summer.

All my love,
Evey