Dear You,
Tonight I wanna talk about the games. I know I promised to stop but you don't know that, just like you don't know what happened that made me swear I'd give them up. You spent years watching me play them and you never said a thing. I guess it had to be this way; it was after all a birthday wish, a rare moment of clarity when I realised I spent every waking moment playing them, and we both know my birthday wishes always come through. I asked to get better. But there's always a catch, so I had to see myself through the eyes of others and I had to almost die in order to start over. Okay, that was a tad dramatic but you know me, ever the drama queen. I wish I could tell you that story but then I think how you'd react and I stop. Anyway, back to the games.
Lina came here. You know that, I told you when you texted me one of those sad depressing messages that'd been driving me mad these days. We went out for gingerbread lattes. It was strange to speak in Greek out in the open after so much time. I love talking boys with her, she's so different from me, it's bloody brilliant. And suddenly she said it. She said I looked happy. She said I looked so much better, more polite, less angry, she said I'd grown, I'd matured, I was becoming a better person. I just stared at her and said nothing. Now the old me would have smiled and said "thank you sis" because it's such a fucking lie. It's true I rarely do it but still, manipulation used to be daily routine and I do miss it. I haven't entirely given it up. I made Lina come to Southampton on her own; she still thinks it was her idea, poor thing. Mama gave up on her plan to visit; dad has no idea how that happened and she thinks it was Lina who objected. Once you know people it's incredible the things you can make them do if you know which buttons to press. I once made a promise to you never to play my tricks on friends and family but it's so fucking tempting! Plus, you can't really blame me for searching for something familiar once in a while. I promise I haven't used my gifts on anyone else; besides, I'm just figuring them out.
Sharon figured me out pretty quickly. I did not like that but then I thought things over and I believe that's because we're so much alike. She said I'm mercurial and it's true. She said I've got a femme fatale vibe. I used to have that, I'm not sure I do anymore, not in this body.
I wasn't always like that. You know that better than anyone. I used to be a romantic but then I met Arthur and we both know how that story ended. Quite a cliche now that I think about it. Girl meets boy. Girl falls in love. It's all rainbows and unicorns and pink shit. Boy breaks girl's heart. Girl obsesses over what happened. She's a sharp one so she figures it out soon enough: Love is unpredictable and when it comes to relationships there are two people involved and one will always love the other one more. So what do you do with a game you can never win? The answer is rather simple: you don't play it. You replace it with one you know you can win. I was eighteen when I had that epiphany and that's all I've done ever since because I knew the pain was just not worth it. Even my dad could tell how much it hurt, how difficult that first month was. That was the only time he ever commented on my relationships. He told me some people are not worth it but he was wrong. It's the concept that's not worth it.
Lina is very proud. She said it was about time I started feeling things again. She said that's what's normal for people and that she's glad I'm no longer a robot but I hate it and I loved being a robot. It was my thing, feeling nothing and pointing at people who felt and laugh at them. I had a chance to have sex on New Year's and I didn't because I couldn't stop thinking of him and what he was doing and whether he was thinking of me. He probably wasn't and I feel like such an idiot.
I haven't been swimming two years now. I stood before the mirror earlier today and forced myself to look. I regret to inform you they're still there. I don't think they'll ever go away.
I will say something and it's gonna sound horrible. I think the only reason Lina says I'm better this way is because I used to look so much better than her and she wants me to stay this way forever. I think of this quite often. I don't know why. Sometimes I scare myself. I felt so much better when she was here and now that she's gone I hate her again. Sometimes I wish I was normal.
I wish I could tell you about him. Better yet, I wish you could meet him but you're trapped in your own drama and there are lots of plane tickets involved. Don't think for a second that just because I complain about you I don't love you. When you've given up on loving a boyfriend your friends are the only people left. Now I may not have as many as I once thought but I love them fiercely. We will see each other again. I will be there for the summer.
All my love,
Evey
Tonight I wanna talk about the games. I know I promised to stop but you don't know that, just like you don't know what happened that made me swear I'd give them up. You spent years watching me play them and you never said a thing. I guess it had to be this way; it was after all a birthday wish, a rare moment of clarity when I realised I spent every waking moment playing them, and we both know my birthday wishes always come through. I asked to get better. But there's always a catch, so I had to see myself through the eyes of others and I had to almost die in order to start over. Okay, that was a tad dramatic but you know me, ever the drama queen. I wish I could tell you that story but then I think how you'd react and I stop. Anyway, back to the games.
Lina came here. You know that, I told you when you texted me one of those sad depressing messages that'd been driving me mad these days. We went out for gingerbread lattes. It was strange to speak in Greek out in the open after so much time. I love talking boys with her, she's so different from me, it's bloody brilliant. And suddenly she said it. She said I looked happy. She said I looked so much better, more polite, less angry, she said I'd grown, I'd matured, I was becoming a better person. I just stared at her and said nothing. Now the old me would have smiled and said "thank you sis" because it's such a fucking lie. It's true I rarely do it but still, manipulation used to be daily routine and I do miss it. I haven't entirely given it up. I made Lina come to Southampton on her own; she still thinks it was her idea, poor thing. Mama gave up on her plan to visit; dad has no idea how that happened and she thinks it was Lina who objected. Once you know people it's incredible the things you can make them do if you know which buttons to press. I once made a promise to you never to play my tricks on friends and family but it's so fucking tempting! Plus, you can't really blame me for searching for something familiar once in a while. I promise I haven't used my gifts on anyone else; besides, I'm just figuring them out.
Sharon figured me out pretty quickly. I did not like that but then I thought things over and I believe that's because we're so much alike. She said I'm mercurial and it's true. She said I've got a femme fatale vibe. I used to have that, I'm not sure I do anymore, not in this body.
I wasn't always like that. You know that better than anyone. I used to be a romantic but then I met Arthur and we both know how that story ended. Quite a cliche now that I think about it. Girl meets boy. Girl falls in love. It's all rainbows and unicorns and pink shit. Boy breaks girl's heart. Girl obsesses over what happened. She's a sharp one so she figures it out soon enough: Love is unpredictable and when it comes to relationships there are two people involved and one will always love the other one more. So what do you do with a game you can never win? The answer is rather simple: you don't play it. You replace it with one you know you can win. I was eighteen when I had that epiphany and that's all I've done ever since because I knew the pain was just not worth it. Even my dad could tell how much it hurt, how difficult that first month was. That was the only time he ever commented on my relationships. He told me some people are not worth it but he was wrong. It's the concept that's not worth it.
Lina is very proud. She said it was about time I started feeling things again. She said that's what's normal for people and that she's glad I'm no longer a robot but I hate it and I loved being a robot. It was my thing, feeling nothing and pointing at people who felt and laugh at them. I had a chance to have sex on New Year's and I didn't because I couldn't stop thinking of him and what he was doing and whether he was thinking of me. He probably wasn't and I feel like such an idiot.
I haven't been swimming two years now. I stood before the mirror earlier today and forced myself to look. I regret to inform you they're still there. I don't think they'll ever go away.
I will say something and it's gonna sound horrible. I think the only reason Lina says I'm better this way is because I used to look so much better than her and she wants me to stay this way forever. I think of this quite often. I don't know why. Sometimes I scare myself. I felt so much better when she was here and now that she's gone I hate her again. Sometimes I wish I was normal.
I wish I could tell you about him. Better yet, I wish you could meet him but you're trapped in your own drama and there are lots of plane tickets involved. Don't think for a second that just because I complain about you I don't love you. When you've given up on loving a boyfriend your friends are the only people left. Now I may not have as many as I once thought but I love them fiercely. We will see each other again. I will be there for the summer.
All my love,
Evey
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