I thought it was about time I wrote a chapter just for me, no You, no nothing. I also thought it was about time I listed my fears, especially with the return luming over me this week. I've been told that if you actually name what you fear and why you fear it that can help you win your battle. My problem is that I quite favor denial which pretty much means ignoring the problem until you can't. Anyway, here goes, the list of my monsters.
i. Country. I'm scared that the moment I set foot on familiar ground everything bad I've left behind will return. This scares the shit out of me, mostly because I've come this far and I'm doing so well. I think it's mostly psychological: lots of bad stuff happened to me there, it's only natural.
ii. The seizures. Now, this is an oldie but a goodie. I know I say it's okay, that I've accepted and incorporated them to my lifestyle but that doesn't mean they don't hurt.
iii. You. Yes, you, you fucking asshole. You're my friend and I will see you but you have no idea how I am now and you always put me on a pedestal. I'm so tired of this game of hide and seek. I just want this to be over. I'm sorry, I just don't give a crap anymore.
iv. Parents. Or, let's generalise it: Family. Why? Do I even have to spell it out? Okay, then, I will. Some are good (mama), some are bad (you know who you are), some are scary as fuck (dad) and some are plain creepy (I really can't talk about them). I know they love me and in my own way I love them too but I just can't deal with them right now.
v. Emotions. Now, this is a tricky one. I know that during those two years of depression I couldn't feel anything and I went to really extreme lenghts to feel something but now, I'm basically being bombarded with emotions, things I haven't felt for a long, long, long time and I'm not sure whether that's a good or a bad thing. Which pretty much leads us to the next one.
vi. Pain. Not talking about physical pain here, I'm just fine, I'm talking about emotional pain. Which is exactly what will happen if I'm not careful. What is wrong with me? I used to rule in that game. Now, I think I suck! If that's not a tragedy I don't know what is.
vii. The second coming. Oh, yes, it was about time I came to that. One of the most important, if not the capital one, and the one I really, really didn't want to talk about. That sneaky feeling that this period of my life is just the intermission and the darkness will return shortly and then everything I've built will disappear and I'll be left wondering what happened and feeling nothing. And then how long till the good, old habits kick in? I don't want any more scars and I definitely don't want my emotions to disappear again. I wish I could just hit pause and let every day here last an eternity.
I can't think of anything else right now, plus, it's pretty damn late, I just want to say one thing, like a small, small wish and hope that someone out there will listen because I've lost two years of my life and I deserve this: I have my birthday in a couple of weeks and I want it to be the BEST BIRTHDAY EVER.
Thank you,
Evey
i. Country. I'm scared that the moment I set foot on familiar ground everything bad I've left behind will return. This scares the shit out of me, mostly because I've come this far and I'm doing so well. I think it's mostly psychological: lots of bad stuff happened to me there, it's only natural.
ii. The seizures. Now, this is an oldie but a goodie. I know I say it's okay, that I've accepted and incorporated them to my lifestyle but that doesn't mean they don't hurt.
iii. You. Yes, you, you fucking asshole. You're my friend and I will see you but you have no idea how I am now and you always put me on a pedestal. I'm so tired of this game of hide and seek. I just want this to be over. I'm sorry, I just don't give a crap anymore.
iv. Parents. Or, let's generalise it: Family. Why? Do I even have to spell it out? Okay, then, I will. Some are good (mama), some are bad (you know who you are), some are scary as fuck (dad) and some are plain creepy (I really can't talk about them). I know they love me and in my own way I love them too but I just can't deal with them right now.
v. Emotions. Now, this is a tricky one. I know that during those two years of depression I couldn't feel anything and I went to really extreme lenghts to feel something but now, I'm basically being bombarded with emotions, things I haven't felt for a long, long, long time and I'm not sure whether that's a good or a bad thing. Which pretty much leads us to the next one.
vi. Pain. Not talking about physical pain here, I'm just fine, I'm talking about emotional pain. Which is exactly what will happen if I'm not careful. What is wrong with me? I used to rule in that game. Now, I think I suck! If that's not a tragedy I don't know what is.
vii. The second coming. Oh, yes, it was about time I came to that. One of the most important, if not the capital one, and the one I really, really didn't want to talk about. That sneaky feeling that this period of my life is just the intermission and the darkness will return shortly and then everything I've built will disappear and I'll be left wondering what happened and feeling nothing. And then how long till the good, old habits kick in? I don't want any more scars and I definitely don't want my emotions to disappear again. I wish I could just hit pause and let every day here last an eternity.
I can't think of anything else right now, plus, it's pretty damn late, I just want to say one thing, like a small, small wish and hope that someone out there will listen because I've lost two years of my life and I deserve this: I have my birthday in a couple of weeks and I want it to be the BEST BIRTHDAY EVER.
Thank you,
Evey
0 comments:
Post a Comment