Southampton - Chapter 30

Dear You,

I feel I must write something important to mark the passing of thirty freaking chapters of me blabbing about my issues but I fear there's not much to tell. It's the Easter break and I'm bored out of my mind. Everyone's pretty much gone and I'm trying to figure out whether this is what my life's gonna be next year. Cause if it is I might as well kill myself now and get it over with. But I'm not going to start thinking about September from now, there's still so much time in between. It's just that I know myself pretty well. I never had to be alone before. But like I said, lots of time. Plus, I still don't know where I'm gonna end up. Next year I might be in France for all I know.

I even went to the pool a few times. I was there today. My hands still smell of chlorine. I think I'll keep going, I need the exercise. Besides, it's not like I've got much else to do. Zoe is lost in her own drama, Isa is busy with work and the rest of them have vanished to family houses and foreign countries. Oh, yeah I've got my writing but that's going swell so I'm not worried. I tried to write today but I mostly did corrections. I also wrote a list of the stupidest things I've ever done and why I did them. Don't ask why, I do stupid shit when I'm bored. Anyway Thana is coming soon i'll be fine. I do miss them though. I don't know when they'll be back but I guess not everyone is like me, they actually feel comfortable around their families.

I'm too bored to write anything else.

Evey

Southampton - Chapter 29

Dear You,

I know it's been a while since I wrote to you but since you're not actually reading this I highly doubt you're upset. The past two weeks have been pretty horrible so bear with me because my life is such a mess and I'm such a mess I feel like a character in a Margaret Atwood novel.

I was late. Two weeks. Two fucking weeks! Do you know when that happened last? Of course you don't because I never told you. Two years ago. Just before my emotions disappeared. I freaked out. Seriously, I completely freaked out and there was no reason now that I look at it logically. There are some technicalities that make it extremelly hard to practically impossible for me to get pregnant but still there I was panicking. I guess it brought everything back so I'm willing to forgive myself for what I think was a massive judgment error. Still, what I can't forgive is telling him about it. Why, why do I have to open my bloody mouth and say EVERYTHING that pops in my mind??? He doesn't know what happened last time. I lied and said I didn't know how or why I couldn't feel anything anymore because the truth is way too horrible and I knew he wouldn't look at me the same way if he knew it. This is one of those cases I was telling you about. You lie to the people you love to protect them. I told Sharon the truth about what happened because I needed to tell someone the truth and if that someone wasn't my mom then it was going to be the next best thing. The way she looked at me, like she pitied me made me so angry but I also felt relieved because I understood that this is it, this is the way everyone is going to look at me and I knew I had to keep that story to myself.

It's funny how when you tell a story you try to make it as vivid as possible for your friends to understand and picture everything exactly like you did. This story was over in 5 sentences and though it was plain facts, no emotions, no descriptions, it still sounded disgusting and filthy in my head. Isabel said that it was the society, that nothing made sense anymore because I felt I had commited some crime but I'm not so sure. One day it was there, the next it wasn't and that wasn't a conscious choice. I didn't have an abortion. It was just gone and I didn't know that it was there in the first place. I come off as such an idiot in this story I'm trying to forget it myself. I hate that I have to lie about certain parts of my life but it's necessary.

There are times I wish I could buy someone else's life. I know that's horrible but that's the purpose of this blog, write all my horrible thoughts and not give a shit. So, yeah. I mean I'm buying all sorts of pointless shit, why not invest in something that can actually make me feel better? I've made great strives since September but I'm not nearly as stable as I'd like to and I fear change so fucking much. I look at the end of the course and it scares the shit out of me! I have no idea what I'm gonna do afterwards.

Anyway, it's Jack's party tonight so I want to have some fun and celebrate and try not to think about some other shit I have on my plate now. I tell myself gramma will be fine and I know it's a selfish wish because mama is in pain seeing her like this and I can only think about the last thing I said to her and I hate myself so fucking much! It's fine. Jack keeps asking if I'm ok and I wish he stopped because he looks at me and makes me feel like I'm broken and I hate it. But it's his party tonight so I'll close my eyes and think of Lefkada and the sea and how it felt the first time I stood on the beach and I listened to the waves and marked the place the water reached on the sand with my fingers. I dream of summer. I'll see you in June but it will be different.

Evey

Southampton - Chapter 28

Dear You,

It's official. The pain is real. This feels so weird. I'm happy because I feel something new but on the other hand there are those rare moments when I wish my emotions disappeared again. I talked about it with Lina. She'd lived through everything so she knows both sides of the coin. She was so mad! She said I barely looked human back then, that this is the way people are supposed to be, this is life. The good things you feel are worth a few of the bad stuff. The side effects. I think it was equally awful for her to watch as it was for me to experience. And yet she kept her mouth shut. I have to admit I was kind of impressed.

I broke my promise. I haven't told her yet and I'm not going to, not unless some fit of honesty hits me anytime soon, which I seriously doubt. I also realised something: those two years I pretended I was okay turned me into an expert liar. Fearing that my parents would actually realise the difference between now and then is one of the stupidest things I have ever heard myself saying. So, that's what I'm going to do. I'm gonna pretend everything is fine, I'm fine, I'm not freaking out, I'm not in pain, I'm perfectly calm. I blame Lina. I blame myself for listening to Lina's psychobubble about life experiences. What the fuck does she know? Why the fuck did I think that she knows better than I do? But I can't let myself fall into familiar patterns again, it's childish and stupid and I've made such progress here. So fuck that! I'm saying suck it up and grow a pair! I cut my nails really, really short. Thana is coming soon at least I get to have her for a few days.

I'm not gonna say that everything is going to be alright because I know that's simply not true. I wish I could turn time back, change my b-day wish, ask for something bigger and better. I know it will come true but maybe I should have asked for something more difficult and challenging. Now that I think about it, no, the wish is fine. Let's start small. Like mom said, one step at a time.

I'm meeting Zoe tomorrow, that's always fun. Don't ask me to define fun. I won't.

You've still not answered my text. You've turned into a massive asshole so I guess that's to be expected. Just remember these things go both ways. If you think I won't retaliate you're fucking dreaming! So this is me, admitting that certain elements I introduced in my life suck and it's a good thing we're not on regular speaking terms because I no longer feel I can talk to you about things like that. Tragic as that may be, I officially feel more comfortable talking to this virtual construction that I have created in order to say the things I can't say to my friends here. And yes, I know exactly how sad and pathetic that makes me.

Evey

Southampton - Chapter 27

Dear You,

I travel a lot. That basically means two things: a. I get to meet a lot of people and b. I get to have a limited amount of time with them.

It's been such a shitty day. It started pretty awesome; there was the sun (pretty rare here) and then Thana messaged me saying she'll come visit on April. And then the workshop came and by the time it was over i felt like someone had thrown a bucket of icy water and ice cubes on me. I won't bore you with the details, you won't understand anyway. Suffice to say I came home and all I wanted was to book a plane and go back home. I just needed to see a friendly face, that's all. You understand now why I'm so excited about Thana coming. It'll be just for a few days but still it's better than nothing. Anyway, back to my flight syndrome, I'm really proud of myself! I didn't do it this time! I stayed and fought against! I guess I've always been too impulsive and running is my get-go response. Horrible, sure thing but comforting nonetheless.

I wish I had made a full recovery. Today hurt but I still can't tell whether I was angry, disappointed, frustrated, sad. Jack was talking to me all the way back and all I could hear was white noise. I knew he was saying nice things but I was trying really hard to put a finger on what I felt and the answer kept slipping away and I wanted to scream and start hitting all the trees with my umbrella until it broke in half. I have no idea what I should do now.

Maybe I should make a list of the emotions I know I've felt. Ok, here we go! The first thing I clearly remember was last April, when I was accepted at universities. It was disgust. I run with that for some time. Then around July there was fear. In August fear mutated into panic. September there was anger. And then I came here. Month after month things got better. Fear was and is quite present though. Embarassment also. Here are some of the things I've managed to name and I'm pretty sure I've felt: Excitement, joy, disappointment, jealousy. Pain. The last one is new so I'm not quite sure of it yet, it will take some time. I was just writing this story the other day; it's about Greece and I suddenly realised how different we are from the English. They are polite and we are rude but at least when I speak to Greek people I know that they are saying what they think. I don't have the same luxury here.

I did something bad. I did something really bad and I didn't even realise it. I came home and I was so sad and I just wanted to feel better. I changed and I lay down and without realising it I was scratching my leg, just underneath the knee. I did that for some time but when I looked down there was blood on the sheets. I'm kinda freaking out now because I broke my promise to Lina and I always keep my promises. That's my ONE rule: if you make me promise about something I will stick to it. So what now? You know what the worst, most awful, ugliest, unspeakable thing was? It felt so fucking good!!

Evey

Southampton - Chapter 26

Dear You,

I can't believe I've written twenty-five of these things! I went back and checked what I'd written on the first one. It feels such a long time ago and so many things have happened since November! I was out with Paola today, we met after I finished my shift at the Nuffield. Last time we were with Isa and Sharon they were saying they were going to write a book about everything that happened to me. I have to say that would make an interesting story. A funny one too.

It's pretty easy to track my progress if you know me. The answer is simple: clothes. If I'm taking care of the way I look that means I'm okay. And I've discovered that I can find gorgeous things to wear in a size 10 as well so screw my weight obsession. But that's not what I want to talk about today.

You know me better than anyone. Okay maybe not as well as Lina, but you get what I mean. I used to be horrible to people yet you never said anything. I can see everything now. All that confidence, the idea that I was better than everyone else, that I was the queen of the world, vanished down the black hole I fell into during the two years I spent feeling nothing. Being Greek you can say that was punishment, the tisis, for my hubris. But now I'm okay. And the confidence is back. That charm, the smiles, the way I tease people, it's all a pattern. Am I returning to the person I used to be or is this a completely new version of myself, the me I'm supposed to be?

That was issue number one. Moving on to issue number two.

The chase is over. I got what I wanted. He finally made his move, it was well-received, we've been having sex, so basically I have what I asked for. So, now what? He's my friend. He's a great friend. I can't emphasize that enough. He's a great guy and I really don't want to do anything to mess what we have up. Somehow I feel I really need him. I don't know why but there are certain people here I have tied to my recovery and he's one of them. I know I can be a jerk occassionaly, I say the wrong things all the time and my emotions are still jumbled up so right now all I know is that the things I'm experiencing are good. I can't be more specific at the moment but I really don't want to lose what I have. But, like I said, I'm a fuck-up. So what do I do, oh wise one? You've been lying to me about your relationship for months now. Was it a mistake to start something like that with a friend? I don't know I've never done this before, I don't know the rules! The guys I usually have sex with are like Kleenex wipes: use once, then dispose of. He is not like that.

I have to sign off. Just on a completely unrelated issue and with great frustration I have to say one thing: Tampons SUCK!! Okay, now I feel better. I'll write again when I've come up with some answers.

B.B.
Evey

Southampton - Chapter 25

Dear You,

I'm not sure I can write here the way I used to anymore. I don't feel as confident as I used to. Somehow I'm scared people I know will read the things I write and everything will change. Right now, I'm trying to figure out whether I should write the occasional mean things that come when I'm alone or if I should push them in the back of my mind and forget everything about them. All i know is that I'm not as focused as I'd like to be right now. Especially since our grades came out. Not sure why. My writing feels different. Maybe my parents are right. Maybe I should go back for Easter. I just feel so fucking tired right now.

I also have Zoe now. She's so funny, she's nothing like I remembered from high school. I'm pretty sure she can tell how much I've changed too. I feel so bad for her, we've been out a couple of times she sounds like she's been having a rough time here with the uni and her social life. She's been quite unlucky in the boyfriend department too. She blames it on the different mentality of the British. She told me we're the children of the sun (which I found pretty cool as far as nicknames go) and the people here are cold as ice. Well, it's true they are sort of reserved but I don't think Jack or James are cold, I think they're pretty funny. Then again I have no idea what kind of people she's met. All i know is that I consider myself pretty lucky when it comes to friendships.

Our scriptwriting lecturer asked us to write something that terrifies us the other day. I've said that before but it's only because it's constantly present no matter what I do. What's gonna happen if my emotions go away again? I'm feeling things I haven't felt for years and I'm terrified of losing them. I don't know who to talk to, my mom's out of question, she still doesn't know, Lina can't understand and neither can Thana or Kat or you. In fact no one who hasn't gone through something similar can help me. I'm changing and I'm not sure I like who I'm becoming. I slept with someone, like literally slept with a guy, on a bed that wasn't mine. I broke one of my rules, why did i do that? I have no idea, everything is so messed up in my head, like emotions upon emotions, layers upon layers of undefined, nameless feelings. I can't remember the last time I cried. Why am I like this? I'm happy and I know it and I see it in the photos, in the mirror, in the eyes of my friends and yet I know something's wrong with everything I'm experiencing.

I gotta sign off, I have to write a scene for my scriptwriting class. I guess I'll write again when I feel like it.

B-B,
Evey

Southampton - Chapter 24

Dear You,

Tomorrow is Valentine's day and I was just wondering at what point you stopped being in love with me. Was it when I rejected you? Was it when you spent years watching that parade of beautiful idiots standing by my side? Was it three weeks back when you saw me in my less than perfect appearance? And how did you know you were in love with me in the first place? How do you know when you are in love with someone? It's been such a long time since I even used this word I can't remember how I felt anymore. I'm different now. After the two-year-feeling-nothing experience I have no idea if all the feelings have actually returned.

So, Valentine's day. I hate Valentine's day! Do they have a single's day? Nope! So, what the fuck are the single people supposed to do? Feel like crap because the rest of the world is compelling them to conform and pair up? Fuck that! We are in our 20s! We are supposed to be searching for what we want not confining ourselves when we don't know what's out there!

Anyway I have to wrap this up because I need to dig into a Lydia Davis book I'm supposed to read for Monday and continue writing my book. My assignment scores came back and they were great, I got a first in everything so I'm really happy but I need to focus because right now I'm not as focused as I'd like to be. I think it's the sex. It's really, really good. The weather is awful, it practically compels you to stay in! We'll probably go to see the Fifty Shades of Grey movie tomorrow and laugh about how ridiculous and stupid it is. I'm sick of reading your lies on viber i wish for once in your life you had the balls to admit the truth but I'm probably asking too much.

Bye,
Evey