I just realised I no longer feel safe writing here.
Love,
Evey
Sunday, 2 August 2015
Tuesday, 7 July 2015
Southampton - Chapter 36
Dear You,
I know I haven't written anything here in a while but that's because I've been really happy so it basically defeated the purpose of this blog. Which is for me to talk about the things that scare me, anger me or make me unhappy.
I haven't had a seizure in over a month now. Jack is the only one who knows. Which brings me to another major issue. I've started applying for jobs. I applied for a job here in Southampton, one in Bournemouth and one in Exeter. I'm not sure what I want to do. Moving is a pain but I have to remind myself that soon people will be leaving. Plus I miss Jack. Despite Skyping and texting I miss having him around. I'm better when he's close. He makes me happier. I don't know how else to describe this.
I know I haven't written anything here in a while but that's because I've been really happy so it basically defeated the purpose of this blog. Which is for me to talk about the things that scare me, anger me or make me unhappy.
I haven't had a seizure in over a month now. Jack is the only one who knows. Which brings me to another major issue. I've started applying for jobs. I applied for a job here in Southampton, one in Bournemouth and one in Exeter. I'm not sure what I want to do. Moving is a pain but I have to remind myself that soon people will be leaving. Plus I miss Jack. Despite Skyping and texting I miss having him around. I'm better when he's close. He makes me happier. I don't know how else to describe this.
I'm gonna dye my hair tomorrow so wish me luck. The box says the colour is cooper auburn but I'm not sure how it's gonna look on my dumb hair.
I wish I could say I'm sorry about your break up with that bitch but I'm not. I'm gonna stand by you, I ll be your friend and in time you ll see it was for the best.
All my love,
Evey
Monday, 15 June 2015
Greece (Athens) - Chapter 2
Dear You,
Bad things happened. Jack read some of the things I write here. He says he doesn't remember what he read but I don't believe him. I'm picking him up tomorrow. I did what I always do, I chose to retreat rather than let him face the full extent of my anger, which is never a good option. However, a combination of hayfever, insomnia and anxiety convinced him that I hated him and never wanted to see him or speak to him ever again. I had to Skype with him to clear the situation out and make him see what an idiot he was. This whole charade made me forget I was angry at him in the first place. I hate that because I shouldn't be this forgiving with something this serious but on the other hand I've missed him so much!
It's not the things I write here that bug me. It's how I come off through the lines. I might be wrong about this but I see myself as weak, sad, confused to borderline retarded and seriously nasty at times. I don't want people to see me like this, I want to be strong.
It was 35 degrees today. Tomorrow will supposedly be the hottest day in June. Can't wait. We went to the gynaecologist today, Lina and I. She was nervous, she kept eating candy till they called us in. Everything looked fine. I'll get my results next week. He perscribed some progesteron so that I can delay my period.
Jack's coming tomorrow around 8. I'll go pick him up from the airport.
xx
Evey
Bad things happened. Jack read some of the things I write here. He says he doesn't remember what he read but I don't believe him. I'm picking him up tomorrow. I did what I always do, I chose to retreat rather than let him face the full extent of my anger, which is never a good option. However, a combination of hayfever, insomnia and anxiety convinced him that I hated him and never wanted to see him or speak to him ever again. I had to Skype with him to clear the situation out and make him see what an idiot he was. This whole charade made me forget I was angry at him in the first place. I hate that because I shouldn't be this forgiving with something this serious but on the other hand I've missed him so much!
It's not the things I write here that bug me. It's how I come off through the lines. I might be wrong about this but I see myself as weak, sad, confused to borderline retarded and seriously nasty at times. I don't want people to see me like this, I want to be strong.
It was 35 degrees today. Tomorrow will supposedly be the hottest day in June. Can't wait. We went to the gynaecologist today, Lina and I. She was nervous, she kept eating candy till they called us in. Everything looked fine. I'll get my results next week. He perscribed some progesteron so that I can delay my period.
Jack's coming tomorrow around 8. I'll go pick him up from the airport.
xx
Evey
Thursday, 11 June 2015
Greece (Agrinio) - Chapter 1
Dear You,
I can say with absolute certainty that I am glad you weren't the asshole I expected you to be. You hugged me and told me how much you missed me, how much you love me, how much you wish we skyped more often so that you could talk to me because I'm the only one who understands. And then we got drunk which was really nice. I said some of the things I've been writing here. The truth is I miss you too and I wish I could take you with me, to England because right now I'm sort on the allies department.
Gramma died. Lina took it very badly. It's just that it happened at a time when she had boy and uni trouble and it was quite a blow. I'm not sure exactly how i should feel about it. I'm not sure I'm feeling anything. I don't know if thats just me feeling numb or if that nothingness is returning and soon everything will go away. But like I said Lina's not doing too good and I have to be strong for her. I'm in a hurry now I have to meet Kat and go at Mikel's and get some mindblowing coffee but I ll write again soon.
Kisses,
Evey
I can say with absolute certainty that I am glad you weren't the asshole I expected you to be. You hugged me and told me how much you missed me, how much you love me, how much you wish we skyped more often so that you could talk to me because I'm the only one who understands. And then we got drunk which was really nice. I said some of the things I've been writing here. The truth is I miss you too and I wish I could take you with me, to England because right now I'm sort on the allies department.
Gramma died. Lina took it very badly. It's just that it happened at a time when she had boy and uni trouble and it was quite a blow. I'm not sure exactly how i should feel about it. I'm not sure I'm feeling anything. I don't know if thats just me feeling numb or if that nothingness is returning and soon everything will go away. But like I said Lina's not doing too good and I have to be strong for her. I'm in a hurry now I have to meet Kat and go at Mikel's and get some mindblowing coffee but I ll write again soon.
Kisses,
Evey
Saturday, 6 June 2015
Southampton - Chapter 35
Dear You,
I guess this is my last chapter before Greece. I just wanted to say that to some extent I've come to understand how you felt before you told me the truth all those years ago. It shouldn't have been easy. But then again you were drunk. I'm sorry if I was cruel to you. I can't really remember what I said to you. Not that it matters anymore. It's just that I'll see you in a few days and that has sort of sparked weird memories. I sort of started packing today. I made a list so that I won't forget stuff.
We went out yesterday. I'd gotten tickets for Abbie, Isa and Jack for Constellations at the Nuffield theatre. I was working at the same night so i thought it'd be fun. I was doing the shop which is always cool and more interesting than just checking tickets. The performance was really good. Afterwards we went at the Alex for drinks and Stephen joined us so it was really cool. It was a shame Abbie had to leave early to catch a train for Bournemouth. Next time I hope she stays more I like her a lot and we haven't had the chance to hang out a lot because of where she lives. Anyway, in the end we said good-bye and parted. I'll see everyone after we come back from Greece. I walked with Jack near uni and then we had to go to oposite directions. I'm going to see him in ten days. And that was the moment when I panicked.
Do you remembered when I told you about my fab plan to sever all connections with him? Yeah, I don't think that's gonna work. Seriously, the thought that I'd never ever talk to him again scared the shit out of me. I'm telling you I just can't do that. He's become too important and I've got so few friends right now, I can't bear the thought of never seeing him again! So much for being fucking sensible. Fuck's sake! And I'm leaving tomorrow and I'm gonna have to deal with a pile of shit I've left behind. This is the moment I prove that I'm truly brave. Running is easy; i never understood why people admired me for going away with such ease. It's sticking around and facing your problems that shows what kind of person one is. No back-up, no crutches, just me. Boy, this is gonna be fun! I'll have to be mean and nasty again, I'll have to be who I was three years ago. So, I guess I'll see you, the real you, the proper you, on Monday. Please don't be a jerk. Right now, I need a friend not a punching bag.
Cya,
Evey
I guess this is my last chapter before Greece. I just wanted to say that to some extent I've come to understand how you felt before you told me the truth all those years ago. It shouldn't have been easy. But then again you were drunk. I'm sorry if I was cruel to you. I can't really remember what I said to you. Not that it matters anymore. It's just that I'll see you in a few days and that has sort of sparked weird memories. I sort of started packing today. I made a list so that I won't forget stuff.
We went out yesterday. I'd gotten tickets for Abbie, Isa and Jack for Constellations at the Nuffield theatre. I was working at the same night so i thought it'd be fun. I was doing the shop which is always cool and more interesting than just checking tickets. The performance was really good. Afterwards we went at the Alex for drinks and Stephen joined us so it was really cool. It was a shame Abbie had to leave early to catch a train for Bournemouth. Next time I hope she stays more I like her a lot and we haven't had the chance to hang out a lot because of where she lives. Anyway, in the end we said good-bye and parted. I'll see everyone after we come back from Greece. I walked with Jack near uni and then we had to go to oposite directions. I'm going to see him in ten days. And that was the moment when I panicked.
Do you remembered when I told you about my fab plan to sever all connections with him? Yeah, I don't think that's gonna work. Seriously, the thought that I'd never ever talk to him again scared the shit out of me. I'm telling you I just can't do that. He's become too important and I've got so few friends right now, I can't bear the thought of never seeing him again! So much for being fucking sensible. Fuck's sake! And I'm leaving tomorrow and I'm gonna have to deal with a pile of shit I've left behind. This is the moment I prove that I'm truly brave. Running is easy; i never understood why people admired me for going away with such ease. It's sticking around and facing your problems that shows what kind of person one is. No back-up, no crutches, just me. Boy, this is gonna be fun! I'll have to be mean and nasty again, I'll have to be who I was three years ago. So, I guess I'll see you, the real you, the proper you, on Monday. Please don't be a jerk. Right now, I need a friend not a punching bag.
Cya,
Evey
Sunday, 31 May 2015
Southampton - Chapter 34
Dear You,
I had a baby seizure today (i.e. partial) so from the get go it was pretty clear that the whole day was fucked. Still, I thought what the hell, it could have been worse, i didn't have a headache or synesthesia so I got up, got dressed and went for coffee at the nice place we usually go at Above Bar street. They had no cake. I wanted to slap the waitress. I ordered a lame blueberry muffin and sat with Sharon and Jack to have my coffee. This is probably our last time having coffee together and they were talking about sharks. I was not in a very talkative mood so I just finished that pathetic muffin and watched them until we left. Sharon's going back to Spain tomorrow. We said goodbye and I walked back home. Jim fixed my bed so by the time I climbed into the attic it was all set up.
I don't know what happened. I wanted to cry but I couldn't, It was like there was this wall behind my eyes and it blocked the water. I gave up and used my vibrator instead. Jack asked if I'm ok before we part and I said yes, of course. He's got other things in his mind and I didn't feel like talking. I prefer listening to him, there's something in his voice that always makes me feel better. I thought he looked quite handsome today but I didn't tell him. I don't know why.
I'm really tired. I think I'll sleep early tonight. It's the nightmares. I get them on a daily basis now, it's official. It's Greece and the fact that I'll see my parents again. I don't know why I started this whole idea that I might tell them what happened to me. There's absolutely no fucking reason to burst their bubble. I've told you before, it would kill them to know how unhappy I've been.
A year and a half ago I hated everyone and everything, I wished the entire human species was dead, I wished my sister was dead because they all had something I didn't. I wished people would leave me the fuck alone and stopped asking me stupid questions about stupid things that didn't matter at all because nothing matters if you can't tie a feeling to it. Now, I wish no one ever left this place, that they all stayed here with me. It's only natural to feel like that I guess. I met these people at a time when I was alone and now I have to say good-bye to them. And that's exactly how I feel: I want to cry but I can't. Instead I try to distract myself with a million stupid things so that I don't have to face the fact that come September I'm going to be alone. Perhaps my parents are right. Perhaps I should come back. But then I think that I'm better than this, that Athens has been very unkind to me and that I hate that place. So I'll go back but it will be just a holiday. Like it or not, this is my reality now. I'm going to miss them so fucking much but I guess this is the natural order: we all have to move on at some point.
xx
Evey
I had a baby seizure today (i.e. partial) so from the get go it was pretty clear that the whole day was fucked. Still, I thought what the hell, it could have been worse, i didn't have a headache or synesthesia so I got up, got dressed and went for coffee at the nice place we usually go at Above Bar street. They had no cake. I wanted to slap the waitress. I ordered a lame blueberry muffin and sat with Sharon and Jack to have my coffee. This is probably our last time having coffee together and they were talking about sharks. I was not in a very talkative mood so I just finished that pathetic muffin and watched them until we left. Sharon's going back to Spain tomorrow. We said goodbye and I walked back home. Jim fixed my bed so by the time I climbed into the attic it was all set up.
I don't know what happened. I wanted to cry but I couldn't, It was like there was this wall behind my eyes and it blocked the water. I gave up and used my vibrator instead. Jack asked if I'm ok before we part and I said yes, of course. He's got other things in his mind and I didn't feel like talking. I prefer listening to him, there's something in his voice that always makes me feel better. I thought he looked quite handsome today but I didn't tell him. I don't know why.
I'm really tired. I think I'll sleep early tonight. It's the nightmares. I get them on a daily basis now, it's official. It's Greece and the fact that I'll see my parents again. I don't know why I started this whole idea that I might tell them what happened to me. There's absolutely no fucking reason to burst their bubble. I've told you before, it would kill them to know how unhappy I've been.
A year and a half ago I hated everyone and everything, I wished the entire human species was dead, I wished my sister was dead because they all had something I didn't. I wished people would leave me the fuck alone and stopped asking me stupid questions about stupid things that didn't matter at all because nothing matters if you can't tie a feeling to it. Now, I wish no one ever left this place, that they all stayed here with me. It's only natural to feel like that I guess. I met these people at a time when I was alone and now I have to say good-bye to them. And that's exactly how I feel: I want to cry but I can't. Instead I try to distract myself with a million stupid things so that I don't have to face the fact that come September I'm going to be alone. Perhaps my parents are right. Perhaps I should come back. But then I think that I'm better than this, that Athens has been very unkind to me and that I hate that place. So I'll go back but it will be just a holiday. Like it or not, this is my reality now. I'm going to miss them so fucking much but I guess this is the natural order: we all have to move on at some point.
xx
Evey
Friday, 29 May 2015
Southampton - Chapter 33
Dear You,
I'll try to keep this short and sweet (relatively). We're done with the submissions, everything's cool, we just have to worry about the stupid dissertation thingy and our year's collection. I got the fun job of bossing the printers around which sounds totally awesome cause I love telling people what to do. Okay, I'm done with the serious stuff (yeah that was meant to be serious) and I can move on to whining about not knowing what I want. Did I tell you my parents want me to go work in Dublin because the Irish make good beer? WTF? Anyway, I'm procrastinating with no reason. Here's what's I've been really thinking about: the orange jacket theory. What's that you say? Well, prepare to be amazed with my infinite wisdom!
A while back, Thana and I came up with a theory that explained why my relationships never lasted. We named it the Orange Jacket Theory and yes there's a story behind it. This is told from my mum's perspective because I was five when it happened. We went into a store to shop for someone that wasn't me. Somehow I found the ugliest neon-orange jacket in the store (because I had no sense of fashion back then) and asked mum to buy it for me. She said no. I put the jacket on, laid on the floor and refused to leave until she bought the damn thing. Mum gave in. The next day she took it out and asked me to wear it so that she could take me to the kindergarden. I looked at it and said i didn't like it. Here's where the relationship factor comes in: everything is a quest. Once I get something/ someone somehow it/he is no longer shiny, not as before anyway.
What's the point in all this? It's just this one question: say I found out what I want from him (because my brain is seriously jumbled up and I have no idea) and he gave it to me, would I get bored in a month? I know this is a really mean thing to say but I have to say it. What makes him different, what separates him from all the others, why is he special? Answer: He's a friend and I've never done this with a friend. It may prove to be a massive mistake but at least i ll know for any future reference.
This fucking sucks, I'd never had this sort of issues before my emotions go away! Fucking depression! I thought I was gonna keep this short but fuck it! Here's a sensible, relatively intelligent plan that i will stick to if I'm smart enough and aware of my well-being: Once he's gone, cut all ties. That includes: facebook, messenger, twitter, texting, skype, whatsup, viber, tumblr and whatever social media bullshit man has come up with. If I am unable to separate romantic from friendly feelings because they have merged into this non-descript, disgusting creature (that slightly resembles Bagul - scary as fuck when you just catch a glimpse of it but ridiculous when you take a proper look) then I can's have either. Fuck that and move on. It will probably feel like shit initially. I give the feeling-shit-period a month. And then everything will be ok. I need to start thinking on finding a fucking job. Not in Dublin, no. I like the South. I think I'll stick to places near the sea. Blue or gray I kinda need it.
Kisses,
Evey
I'll try to keep this short and sweet (relatively). We're done with the submissions, everything's cool, we just have to worry about the stupid dissertation thingy and our year's collection. I got the fun job of bossing the printers around which sounds totally awesome cause I love telling people what to do. Okay, I'm done with the serious stuff (yeah that was meant to be serious) and I can move on to whining about not knowing what I want. Did I tell you my parents want me to go work in Dublin because the Irish make good beer? WTF? Anyway, I'm procrastinating with no reason. Here's what's I've been really thinking about: the orange jacket theory. What's that you say? Well, prepare to be amazed with my infinite wisdom!
A while back, Thana and I came up with a theory that explained why my relationships never lasted. We named it the Orange Jacket Theory and yes there's a story behind it. This is told from my mum's perspective because I was five when it happened. We went into a store to shop for someone that wasn't me. Somehow I found the ugliest neon-orange jacket in the store (because I had no sense of fashion back then) and asked mum to buy it for me. She said no. I put the jacket on, laid on the floor and refused to leave until she bought the damn thing. Mum gave in. The next day she took it out and asked me to wear it so that she could take me to the kindergarden. I looked at it and said i didn't like it. Here's where the relationship factor comes in: everything is a quest. Once I get something/ someone somehow it/he is no longer shiny, not as before anyway.
What's the point in all this? It's just this one question: say I found out what I want from him (because my brain is seriously jumbled up and I have no idea) and he gave it to me, would I get bored in a month? I know this is a really mean thing to say but I have to say it. What makes him different, what separates him from all the others, why is he special? Answer: He's a friend and I've never done this with a friend. It may prove to be a massive mistake but at least i ll know for any future reference.
This fucking sucks, I'd never had this sort of issues before my emotions go away! Fucking depression! I thought I was gonna keep this short but fuck it! Here's a sensible, relatively intelligent plan that i will stick to if I'm smart enough and aware of my well-being: Once he's gone, cut all ties. That includes: facebook, messenger, twitter, texting, skype, whatsup, viber, tumblr and whatever social media bullshit man has come up with. If I am unable to separate romantic from friendly feelings because they have merged into this non-descript, disgusting creature (that slightly resembles Bagul - scary as fuck when you just catch a glimpse of it but ridiculous when you take a proper look) then I can's have either. Fuck that and move on. It will probably feel like shit initially. I give the feeling-shit-period a month. And then everything will be ok. I need to start thinking on finding a fucking job. Not in Dublin, no. I like the South. I think I'll stick to places near the sea. Blue or gray I kinda need it.
Kisses,
Evey
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