Southampton - Chapter 5

Dear You,

I did okay today. I didn't say anything mean to anyone, I didn't cry, overall I behaved pretty well, honest. I was in pain though and there was this terrible image stuck in my head that my brain was pushing the inner side of my skull until it cracked and then gray matter started pouring down my cheeks. Like I said, disgusting. Isa kept smiling at me and asking me if I was okay. I counted five times. I think I freaked her out a bit. Sharon tried to hug me when we saw each other first but I was in no mood for hugging so she got the message. She's pretty good, I must say. I thought I managed the whole pain thing pretty good but somehow Jack figured it out and he's a guy, which pretty much means that if he noticed, everyone noticed because no offence but boys don't tend to pay so much attention. I was kind of hoping to get away with it quietly but since that clearly went awry I sort of switched to plan b.

Oh, yeah, we had to comment on my story. I was sort of disoriented but I heard pretty good stuff. They handed me all their observations but they really liked it and that really made me feel much better. I know that if you were here you would have pulled the whole don't-underestimate-yourself-speech but isn't that what we always do? I mean, I get that a lot from you when you talk about your work and it's such a shame because you really are great. As I said before Lina is coming on the 27th but I wish you could come with us. After a couple of days I'll probably start thinking of creative ways to murder her so I kinda wish I had better company, you know, as a distraction.

The first gifts I ordered arrived today. Isa's socks are here and they're adorable, I'm sure she'll love them, I know I did. I mean, come on, they're xmas socks, one pair has penguins and the other one trees! I haven't been this excited for socks for a long time now! Now I just have to get Sue to help me wrap them and I'll be okay.

I can't think of anything else to write to you now. I'm seriously considering Ithaca for summer vacations. Maybe you can come. I do miss the heat; I feel like my toes and fingers are permanently frozen. My cold is wearing off though so I guess that's good. I'll write to you again tomorrow. I'm kind of getting used to our one-sided-conversation-routine.

Burn after reading,
Evey

Southampton - Chapter 4

Dear You,

I've been trying to read four drafts since midday. It was pretty bad, it practically knocked me dead, I was unconscious for hours. I have no idea what time it happened but I opened my eyes and it was 14:00 and I remember staring at my cell and I just couldn't believe it. It's sad that the only way I can get some decent sleep is after a seizure.

Back to the drafts, I managed to read three of them and hopefully, by tomorrow, I'll have read the fourth one too. They're for my children's lit class and we're supposed to talk about them tomorrow. I'm not sure I'll be in a very talkative mood though. I'll probably end up saying something nasty or inappropriate to someone I really like or maybe I'll start crying or laughing for absolutely no reason, it's hard to tell, everything is different after a seizure but one thing remains: for a couple of days I'm pretty unstable. I dread the moment Asgeir will open his mouth to critique my work. He's usually the one who is tougher on us but this time I won't have any self-control and things can get pretty ugly when I'm in such a state. I remember telling Immortality some pretty nasty stuff after seizures. I basically told her she's a pretentious moron, that her boyfriend of four (!) years has the IQ of the fish he studies (he's a fisherman, or something like that, I'm not sure, I don't tend to learn things about stupid people) and that she shouldn't bitch about not being taken seriously given the fact that everything she does kind of nudges people towards that direction. I also told my sister that she's a pathetic pushover, I called my dad an ignorant chauvinist and I told mama she should quit telling me I'm promiscuous since she got knocked up with me after knowing my dad for six months. You haven't seen me after a seizure yet and I wish you never had to. It's not pretty. But anyway, you get the picture.

The stories were pretty good. Isabel made great progress with hers, it's much improved, both in terms of plot and language. Asgeir's story is very close to my heart (a girl who doesn't sleep - who knew!) but it sort of bored me; I don't know, maybe I was too tired, I can't tell. James writes about the sea and his story was so funny, I loved it! Kate's story has great potential, it could turn into a great book but it was rather more adult and serious that I would have liked. I can't compare any of these stories to mine, they're radically different so I'll just wait for the comments tomorrow.

I spent the entire day in silence. I didn't talk to anyone, I didn't listen to anything, other than my laptop's humming. It was so quiet, at one point I could hear my diet coke's bubbles bursting through the surface of the drink. I think it was good because that headache is barely tolerable without the voices. We'll see how I'll cope tomorrow. I just don't want to be mean to people but it's not like I have any control over it. Maybe I should talk to them. Isa and Sharon were really worried because I told them what happened. They texted me but I didn't feel like texting much. People probably think I'm sick. I can't believe I broke the bed though. I really need to get it fixed. It makes for such a lame story and one I really don't want to tell. Lina is coming on the 27th and the bed must be okay by then.

I think I'll stop writing here. Maybe I should have called you and told you what happened but even the quiet was loud today. Nevertheless, I really missed you, talk or no talk.

Burn after reading,
Evey

Southampton - Chapter 3

Dear You,

I realised something today. I know this is going to make me sound horrible but I'm sure you know me well enough to understand that I was never a nice person. My sister is coming on the 27th of December. She's going to spend New Year's with me, here and she's very, very excited. I don't want her to come. I think I've known this for a while now and I don't know why it surfaced today. Maybe it was because we hadn't spoken in a week and I checked the messages I sent her on facebook regarding my new iPhone (she's supposed to bring it with her) and she still hadn't read them and I hated her for not being able to do one simple thing I asked of her. 

I don't want her to come because she's going to bring everything I left behind with her. The first couple of weeks I missed her terribly, now I don't even think about her. No, that's wrong; I think how much time and energy I'm going to waste on her since she's not even capable to take a simple bus from Heathrow to Southampton. She's almost 22 for fuck's sake! I'm so angry these days. It must be the cold, I feel really terrible and I have class tomorrow. I have a life here now and I don't want anyone or anything disturbing that. Actually, I've started thinking I should re-evaluate our entire relationship. That idea that has been stuck in my head for a while now, that she saved me, is completely wrong. For the past couple of years, she's been treating me like I was some child that needed to be taught right from wrong because apparently my whole moral system was compromised. The only thing she's done ever since the incident is patronize me and I just stood there and took it because I knew I deserved to be talked down because I had acted like an idiot when I knew I wasn't. But this era is over now and I clearly don't need other people so why the hell do I still cling to the idea that she saved me? What actually saved me is applying to universities here, in England, and leaving that ugly place behind, starting over, that's what saved me.

Of course you would have said that I'm not a bad person, that maybe I've villainized myself to feel better and maybe you're right because I do feel better because everyone in the family knows the truth and they all speak it behind my siblings' backs: I may be volatile, temperamental and impossible to cope with but I am the one they never doubted when it came to success. Lina has a big heart but when it comes to actually coping with others she has no idea. I'm not saying she's dull, well, maybe a little because she never reads, she's more interested in going out with her uni friends who have a terrible taste in music, but her social skills are terrible. I won't even touch Christopher, he's a completely different species and we have no relationship so I don't care about him.

Now I'm really starting to worry about myself, I thought the mean girl in me had perished but apparently she's alive and kicking. I don't know whether that's a good or a bad thing. If this was an actually correspondence maybe you could have told me, though I know better than to trust you. The last time I trusted you didn't end so well, remember? Well, maybe after I sign off I'll text you just to say good-night. Then again, maybe not. I think you've figured out by now that I'm nothing if not changeable. 

Burn after reading,

Evey

Southampton - Chapter 2

Dear You,

It's so bad I keep fantasizing about shooting my leg so that I can distract myself. Okay, maybe that was a bit harsh. Besides, I'm well taken care of. Sue made me some soup. I have no idea how it tasted because taste and smell were the first to go but I smiled and said thank you because she really didn't have to do that for me and she's very nice and didn't care that last night I ate two cookies and two muffins from her personal supply. I couldn't sleep because my nose was blocked so I stayed up all night watching bad Twilight movies and eating crap. I've met someone here who can sympathize with that. You would have liked him, he's a lot like you; maybe that's why I like him so much. He actually came to my archery competition even though it was at 10 in the morning. He says it's no big deal but I really appreciated it. My dad didn't even come to my university graduation ceremony, let alone any competition I ever participated in. I didn't win anything but the prize was candy so I can't say I missed much. And yes I was wearing mom's fleur-de-lis medallion, I wear it all the time, but that thing only works on others. My sister won the bronze wearing it when her handball team was competing, the Broken Glass did well in his exams carrying it and Immortality got her teaching job (even though she had absolutely no experience in the field) when I lent it to her. It doesn't matter, I'm sure I'll get many chances to compete for something real.

I'm afraid to report insomnia is still a bitch. I wish you were here. I don't know why but there are certain people whose voice helps me sleep and yes, it's as creepy as it sounds but I think we've stopped making lists of things that make me weird (or special, as my sister puts it nicely; that girl is too nice for her own good!). These days I mostly listen to the radio but it's definitely not the same.

Since I couldn't sleep last night I did the next best thing: shop! You know how excited I get over xmas and I haven't been this excited for at least two years now, so I went online and bought presents for all my friends. I bought one for you too but I don't know if I'll give it to you. You know me, mercurial as ever, I'll probably change my mind a hundred times before I actually commit to a decision. I have to buy a card for nana as well. Mama wants me to send her something because it's her nameday in a couple of weeks. I'm terrible at writing cards, I'll probably end up writing something like "Don't worry, I'm glad I'm here and not there". I just re-read this last sentence and it actually sounds pretty good. She just wants to know I'm okay and that about sums it up. I'll send the card on Monday.

I hope I get over the cold soon though. I really can't afford to prolong this and if I get a seizure then I'll probably spend a couple of days lying on my back, seeing things. Last time, I was seeing colours for two days and I had to go to uni, which only made things worse. I won't pretend it wasn't interesting, seeing everybody's colours, some of them are really lovely. It must have something to do with the pitch of their voice, I can't think of anything else. High pitched noises are usually yellow, lower ones blue, but I don't actually get to see them unless someone speaks really loud. Now that I think about it, it would be interesting to go to a concert while I can see the sounds. It feels good talking to you about that stuff. I know you'd understand because I know you have tons of issues too. I wish someone would tell me why do the most interesting people come with so much baggage? I'm really tired now so I'll just sign off. I don't know where you are right now but I hope you're having a good time. Even if you don't know it, you are helping me. Thank you for that.

Burn after reading,
Evey

Southampton - Chapter 1

Dear You,

I guess this is a letter because for reasons I'll never understand I feel I can tell you anything and you won't judge. Nobody reads this blog and you don't even know it exists, so I can write whatever I want and never fucking care so I decided to turn this into an experiment. Sure, it's going to be on the net but I don't think I mind if a person or two read it; besides it's a great way to keep track of my progress and right now I've got a massive cold and one hell of a headache so I need a distraction. Anyway enough of my ramblings, let's get to the good stuff.

I've been living in Southampton since the 17th of September. Since none of the people actually involved in my life will read this I think I can say it: I don't miss anything or anyone from home. I know I'm a soulless bitch. Okay, maybe I miss a tiny, little bit the Royal Company. I was going to use their names since one of them doesn't speak English and the other two don't know this blog exists but I think introducing them and writing about them with their nicknames is more fun, so here we go: I think the one I miss most is the Broken Glass. He's such a cynic, so blunt that if you don't know him you'd think he's an asshole. Which he is of course, but not when he comes to his friends. He's basically my brother. I don't think my real brother cares about me as much as the Broken Glass does. Next, there's Kat. Kat is weird. I don't think I can describe her in any other terms, she's a freaking enigma. She never talks about her personal life but she lets everyone else blab all they want about theirs; she's been doing that since kindergarden, which was where we met. She's an excellent listener, she was always the one I turned to with all my drama. I don't think she ever actually had a boyfriend and I don't know why, she's such an amazing person! Finally, there's Immortality. I could write for hours and hours and I still wouldn't cover this. She's crazy. She's the most volatile person I've ever met, she reads philosophy in the bathroom and every time we go out I always return home with a headache and it's not because of the booze. She talks ALL THE TIME!!!! But she's patient as a donkey and no matter how much crap I give her, she'll always ask for more. So that's the Royal Company. You've never met them and you never will. It's sort of a nickname I picked for us when we were kids but that's a long story for another time. Let's move on to NOW.

Well, right now I have a cold and it's fucking annoying. This week, people are going to talk about the first chapter of my book at my children's lit class so I'm kind of nervous. I mean, yes there are like 9, 10 of us in the course and they are all good but there are a couple of people whose writing I absolutely adore. I wonder if they know how good they are or if they are more like me. I wish I could be more like them. I have made great progress since I came here and someone told me I shouldn't make myself small because I'm good. That really made my day. I don't even have to pretend I'm happy anymore. It hit me a few days ago and I wished I could tell somebody about it but they don't even know why I was so sad in the first place. That would have been an awkward conversation. I prefer to think I was sad because at least that's an emotion and emotions are good, even the most painful ones. But I'm okay now, honest, I even went on a date a few weeks back. I don't think awkward begins to cover it. I know you'd have loved it if you were there. This is the last time I let anyone fix me up with a friend of theirs. The guy didn't even know what an MA in Creative Writing is but he's Greek so I guess stupidity should have been anticipated. It got so bad he actually complimented my socks. I was wearing a skirt with over-the-knee socks because I was very cold that day. He said he liked them and asked me where I bought them. I think he did that to justify the fact that the entire time we were there he was staring at my legs. At one point I started wondering whether he had x-ray vision and he was trying to see my panties through the skirt. I got so caught up in that thought, I couldn't even remember which underwear I was wearing and that really worried me and then he popped the sock question. I wanted to ask if he wished to buy some for himself but I was so tired I just told him where I bought them. I stayed for like five more minutes (which in bad date terms is pretty freaking long) then made the usual I-need-to-study-excuse and left. At least he paid for my coffee.

Which brings us to the next thing I need to say: Coffee in this country SUCKS! There I said it, now I feel better. But anyway I just wrote about the date thing because it actually hit me later that it's entirely possible that would be my last date with a Greek person and I felt really sad about it. My first love was from Greece and sure he treated me like crap and yes I was never particularly nice to him either and right now he's in Munich, probably with some blond skank but he remains, to this day, the longest relationship I've had. Which is pretty depressing because it was six months and we didn't have sex.

I think I should stop writing now. I'll try to do it every day but I make no promises. I feel better though so I guess it worked. I just have to say a couple of things before I close.

I wish I was a braver person. I know everyone who's ever met me thinks I'm brave because I don't hesitate I just do things no matter how scary they are but it's not true. All I've ever done in my life is run and I'm good at it and it feels great to leave your problems behind because then you can just pretend they don't exist and be fine with it. That being said, I'm glad I lied to everyone and I'm glad I lied to you. Well, technically it's lying by omission but anyway. I just know that if you show people weakness they're going to treat you as weak and I don't want anyone to see me like this. My insomnia persists by the way. I'll tell you more about it tomorrow, now I'm just gonna sign off and go make another cup of tea. It felt good talking to you, even though you weren't listening. It's been such a long time.

Burn after reading,
Evey

Blue Pill, Yellow Pill

I'm so excited, you have no idea! This is the first story I publish abroad and in an esteemed magazine such as Litro! Okay, so without further ado, here's the link and you can check it out yourselves!

http://www.litro.co.uk/2013/12/dystopia-blue-pill-yellow-pill/

You can also follow me on Twitter, I only just started using my account, though I created it around June, if I'm not mistaken...anyway it doesn't matter, I'm using it now, so go on, read away!

https://twitter.com/dameOdie

Thanks again!

Life now

We are not the people we think we are and we don't realize it until we have comitted acts we never thought ourselves capable of. I had never really given much thought to the kind of person i am; i mean, i always knew who i was but i never really cared, just like i never cared about what other people thought of me. Given the fact that i grew up in the small, suffocating society of a city whose greatest accomplishment to the Greek economy was the supply of tobacco and that was just until it was deemed illegal, i say that was quite a thing. That's probably the reason nobody likes me in that town and also why i have limited my visits as much as i possibly can (i.e. xmas and easter holidays, just to see my family).

I still don't understand what it is about my nation that makes us act. I'm fortunate enough to have a family who doesn't particularly care whether i work or not but what about my friends, the people of my age who don't have the luxuries i enjoy? Unemployment hit 60% for the youths between 20 and 25, people who spent years studying, just like i did. What are they supposed to do?

I often asked myself: why don't we read the papers anymore? It's not because we don't care and it's certainly not because they promise depression and a headache (which they do btw). Let's be fair, we don't know who to believe and we don't know who to trust anymore. Most of us, grew up in families, sheltered from the outside world. i've been living on my own since i was 17; that was when i entered college and that was my first contact with the real world. Trust me, it wasn't good. Things in Greece are definitely not like the adds on TV. People are rude and depression has only made things worse for us. I'm proud of my heritage but it saddens me when i see what we have been reduced to. Winter is upon us, most families won't buy petrol for their homes, people are dying in the streets; i see them everyday, when i go to work, looking in the rubbish bins for some left overs. This whole situation we're trapped in is disgusting and what are we supposed to do? Run? Flee our country and find work in some place that's less screwed up? Leave Greece until it's populated entirely by old people? That's just great!

I'm leaving next year but my friends are not. Who's going to save them?